Moving In
I finally I feel like I have time enough to reflect on recent events and write about it. Probably the most significant thing that's happened which I never got to write about was moving in with M. That was all the way back in May. The apartment is quite spacious for two people, and we pay relatively low rent for the Boston area. The main drawback is the distance from the subway, but we don't really need to use it. Depending on your definition, you might say that the process of moving in still hasn't ended -- M still has piles of her stuff on the floor in one room that needs to be sorted through -- but basically we've been settled in for a while now.
Looking back on the decision, I'm still confident it was the right one. Even six months into it, there was enough love, trust, and stability in the relationship that we were ready to take that next step. Still, what really prompted the decision were more practical issues. M was pretty miserable doing the hour commute to Tufts all the time from her parents' place, and I wanted to do whatever I could to help her finish her degree sooner. Without that it probably would have happened a bit later, but it was inevitable anyway.
Life together is not without its bumps, but overall I'd say things have been going really well. We have the occasional argument or misunderstanding, but always manage to resolve it before bedtime, even if it means losing sleep. Living together feels perfectly natural and exceedingly comfortable, and the way things are going I believe there's no problem we can't tackle together.
One thing I expected and has indeed occurred is that now that we've been together a long time, all the many things we have in common are less visible; we notice our differences much more because they stand out in relief. One of these differences is approach to money: I'm pretty cheap, and she's more inclined to buy things. This can cause problems since we're expecting this to go for the long haul, so ultimately our finances will be shared. After a number of incidents and a lot of discussion, we seem to have come to a good solution: she'll limit her discretionary spending to within a set amount each month, and I won't criticize her for what she buys.
Lately we've had some other problems related our overall emotional habits. I'm more self-sufficient emotionally and functionally than she is. It's not that she couldn't get by without me, but whereas my ability to do things independently is a matter of pride, she's more inclined to draw strength and get help from others (sometimes due to health issues). This can leave me feeling occasionally irritated when she asks for help with something I feel she should be able to do herself, and her occasionally feeling less valued as I don't let her reciprocate in helping me. We've only just started to figure this out, but it seems like for starters I need to find more ways to depend on her, to find ways to show her (and remind myself) that I need her. I know that I do need her, but I often take it for granted. The situation last month when I had to hole myself up to get my school work done exacerbated the problem, but now we're more aware of it, and I'm confident we'll find a solution.
It's debatable whether I'm overthinking these things. Lots of couples go through daily life with various arguments and minor conflicts without ever delving into them deeply. I'm determined to fix problems at the source, to prevent similar problems from arising later. On the other hand, thinking this through requires reliving experiences full of negative feelings, turning them over to see where they came from. Dwelling too much on the negatives has its own risks. Some people would even say that a certain level of conflict is good for a relationship, and of course we can't prevent all arguments no matter how hard we try. Frankly though, I think we're doing it right. Some people might thrive on conflict. Others just don't have the energy, wherewithal, or motivation to deal with it more than one day at a time. We, however, are a team, and we work hard to make this relationship work. And let me tell you, it works beautifully.
I couldn't have imagined a better person to be with, or a better match. Our outlooks coincide well on a number of levels: spirituality, morality, politics, and so on. We are completely ourselves around each other and wouldn't have it any other way. We share dorky jokes that no one else would get and goof around constantly -- probably the maturity level is gonna have to come up eventually, but we'll enjoy it while it lasts. More than anything, we trust each other enough to talk about anything. So long as we can keep that up, there's nothing we can't overcome.
-MJR
Looking back on the decision, I'm still confident it was the right one. Even six months into it, there was enough love, trust, and stability in the relationship that we were ready to take that next step. Still, what really prompted the decision were more practical issues. M was pretty miserable doing the hour commute to Tufts all the time from her parents' place, and I wanted to do whatever I could to help her finish her degree sooner. Without that it probably would have happened a bit later, but it was inevitable anyway.
Life together is not without its bumps, but overall I'd say things have been going really well. We have the occasional argument or misunderstanding, but always manage to resolve it before bedtime, even if it means losing sleep. Living together feels perfectly natural and exceedingly comfortable, and the way things are going I believe there's no problem we can't tackle together.
One thing I expected and has indeed occurred is that now that we've been together a long time, all the many things we have in common are less visible; we notice our differences much more because they stand out in relief. One of these differences is approach to money: I'm pretty cheap, and she's more inclined to buy things. This can cause problems since we're expecting this to go for the long haul, so ultimately our finances will be shared. After a number of incidents and a lot of discussion, we seem to have come to a good solution: she'll limit her discretionary spending to within a set amount each month, and I won't criticize her for what she buys.
Lately we've had some other problems related our overall emotional habits. I'm more self-sufficient emotionally and functionally than she is. It's not that she couldn't get by without me, but whereas my ability to do things independently is a matter of pride, she's more inclined to draw strength and get help from others (sometimes due to health issues). This can leave me feeling occasionally irritated when she asks for help with something I feel she should be able to do herself, and her occasionally feeling less valued as I don't let her reciprocate in helping me. We've only just started to figure this out, but it seems like for starters I need to find more ways to depend on her, to find ways to show her (and remind myself) that I need her. I know that I do need her, but I often take it for granted. The situation last month when I had to hole myself up to get my school work done exacerbated the problem, but now we're more aware of it, and I'm confident we'll find a solution.
It's debatable whether I'm overthinking these things. Lots of couples go through daily life with various arguments and minor conflicts without ever delving into them deeply. I'm determined to fix problems at the source, to prevent similar problems from arising later. On the other hand, thinking this through requires reliving experiences full of negative feelings, turning them over to see where they came from. Dwelling too much on the negatives has its own risks. Some people would even say that a certain level of conflict is good for a relationship, and of course we can't prevent all arguments no matter how hard we try. Frankly though, I think we're doing it right. Some people might thrive on conflict. Others just don't have the energy, wherewithal, or motivation to deal with it more than one day at a time. We, however, are a team, and we work hard to make this relationship work. And let me tell you, it works beautifully.
I couldn't have imagined a better person to be with, or a better match. Our outlooks coincide well on a number of levels: spirituality, morality, politics, and so on. We are completely ourselves around each other and wouldn't have it any other way. We share dorky jokes that no one else would get and goof around constantly -- probably the maturity level is gonna have to come up eventually, but we'll enjoy it while it lasts. More than anything, we trust each other enough to talk about anything. So long as we can keep that up, there's nothing we can't overcome.
-MJR