71-47
In my mind are million of thoughts entangled with one another, and I'm struggling to make this post flow with coherence. If this doesn't turn out the way you'd like it to be, I'm sorry. Why am I even trying anyway? You know you don't have to read this, because it isn't anywhere near positivity and I figured as a reader you'll like that positivity better. But no. If you choose to continue, well thank you then, for hearing me out in a way or so.
Times like this I hate myself even more. For all the reasons in the world. All the nice words I hear seem wrong at this point of time. It's cliche because it's only for comfort sake so I'm numb to them. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate your good intentions but really, I don't deserve this. Just how many times have I heard the same damn thing over and over again in the course of 12 years that I've been playing this game? I've grown out it, and now I need something more than just comfort.
How do you define 'better', and a 'good player'? I will never know how 'better' is and how a 'good player' is really supposed to be like anymore. I thought the way I defined them was the way to go, but I figured that in life people only see things on the surface. Sometimes it isn't really what it seems, that there's more to it but just how few would bother to look beyond the surface? But this, this feeling I'm feeling shall be kept only to myself because it has always been this way. No one will ever understand. No one will ever see the pains, or the efforts. No one will bother.
I know because it's who I am now, that nobody trusts me with the orange ball anymore. It's so hard because I'm trying to fight against a certain part of me. It feels like I'm floating out at sea on a cold, windy night after a boat capsize with a lifejacket on and I'm calling out for help but no one seems to hear or see me. Like how the rescue team coming in a helicopter can only shine the light on a certain area at one point of time and it's the damn spot where I'm right at that the light refuses to shine on somehow. It's all about timing, if it's opportune or inopportune.
But even if anyone's trying to save me, the waves are always against me. As I try to reach nearer the waves will always push me further away. It's like taking one step forward but three steps back. It's so tiring to keep trying to go forward when the odds are seemingly against you. I am so helpless that I don't know what to do with myself, or what I can do to make myself better. To make things better even.
I don't know how many times I'm gonna tell myself "you need more time" because time never seems enough.