random late night thoughts
(some from this night others from last night. its weird the things you think when you're all alone. i'm not often that way, especially in the last bit of my life.)
-i can't do sales because, though i like working with people and sometimes even talking them into things they didn't think they wanted, i want to deal with a certain set of people all the time, build relationships and influence them that way, not purely through momentary meetings. this is also why i cannot be a customer service representative that talks to tons of end-user customers. i want to talk to a customer who i have a partnership with, and we're constantly having to work together to work things out. they know me, and i know them, and we know each others limits and abilities. what made me come to all of this? working at structure house this week. working there again, i'm remembering how much it bored me, but also remembering that i did like some of it. i liked the parts where i got to talk to people, but that grew old fast as there was s different set each week. this was amplified this week, because SO many people didn't even notice that i was not the regular person at the desk. they just assumed i was part of the whole thing... i hated having to re-introduce and re-prove myself each week to a different set of people. my most enjoyable times working with people was when there was someone who came all the time or working with one of the therapists (that happened a LOT less than you would think). its nice to build up a repour (sp?) and a reputation with people, to know what they're like and for them to know what you're like. maybe its an ego thing, but i think part of it is that i really do value relationships and the power they can have. you can do so much with someone you know and trust, and its such a nicer environment to be in. so, something else i've figured out about what i want to do...
-this made more sense last night, but (this is going from a world view that God is perfect, almighy, beyond this world, and this world is fallen, evil that was allowed in at the fall is the cause of all of our problems today) have you ever thought about how bits of evil are let in? from the idea that sin is sin and no matter how "big" or "small" it seperates us from our Holy God, why do we only get gradial consequences? and why do the things that hurt us the most have the least outwardly obvious consequence? for example: gluttony with food - we get fat. promiscuity - we get diseases that no one can see... or, the worse, our souls slowly die.... its probably partly because what we see, though the most "real" to us, is the least truly real. in eternity, things like our bodies will fade away. we'll get new ones, yet we're so worried about our bodies. and marriage, something we think about SO much (many of us), and yet it likely won't exist in eternity. its so crazy. then... God. i know we'll be perfect when we see Him, but how does anything less than Him stand to see Him? were the seraphim with the wings over their faces covering themselves because the glory was so great, or out of respect? or both? how can we, so finite, even in eternity, ever really experience a God so infinite? then that brings you to the thought that God allows himself to be seen and understood by us. we get a gradiant of Him, not something that is less than Him, but something that is not all of Him.... and to think that the things we know and think of Him are only a small fraction, just a bit of what He allows us to see, because anything more would blow our minds... but it does make me think of the 7 blind men who each felt a different part of the elephant. not that i think religions do that, but it does keep one humble to realize that my version of the true God is just that, a piece of the actual God, and i should hold loosely to that piece. because if something happens that somehow disproves my understanding of God, it is not God that is in question, but my understanding of Him that should be questioned.
that was about 5 different pieces of thoughts, readings and discussions i've had in the past week.... all are rolling around in my head. i love to think of things and then see something else, and realize that they're really related, like seeing how your thought on one subject, say pizza for example. you can think that pizza is great as long as it doesn't have a ton of sauce. then later you see that you like cheesey bread. i can know that you're not going to want dipping sauce for that because, well, you don't like sauce. later, when you realize that you never eally did like spaghetti, you might realize, dude, its just because i don't like sauce! then you later in life realize you have a slight allergy to tomatoes so you feel sick when you eat them, and it all comes together... ;o) no, but really. when you think about certain attributes of God and your beliefs, you see how its connected to other aspects of your life... if you can't understand how a loving God can let something happen, so you're mad at Him, you can look at that and see that, hey, maybe my understanding of a loving God is different than what a loving God is, or perhaps that "something" isn't exactly the something i think it is. things are not what they seem. really. there's so much more than what we see.... and what we see gets in the way of the more importatn so much of the time.
.... i have a lot mroe rolling around in my head. sometimes i wish i had a constant companion that would let me talk, and would talk back, adding their thoughts, pushing mine further, or making me think out the implications of what i'm saying.... but, for now, i should go to bed. i said i'd be in the office at 9am.
oh, Christmas was good, i guess. no one cried, i saw everyone in my family at some point that weekend, and i got some new clothing, money, too (which i spent on clothes. dang it, that outward appearance thing).
i hope its warm and dry tomorrow. i really, really want to run outside.
-i can't do sales because, though i like working with people and sometimes even talking them into things they didn't think they wanted, i want to deal with a certain set of people all the time, build relationships and influence them that way, not purely through momentary meetings. this is also why i cannot be a customer service representative that talks to tons of end-user customers. i want to talk to a customer who i have a partnership with, and we're constantly having to work together to work things out. they know me, and i know them, and we know each others limits and abilities. what made me come to all of this? working at structure house this week. working there again, i'm remembering how much it bored me, but also remembering that i did like some of it. i liked the parts where i got to talk to people, but that grew old fast as there was s different set each week. this was amplified this week, because SO many people didn't even notice that i was not the regular person at the desk. they just assumed i was part of the whole thing... i hated having to re-introduce and re-prove myself each week to a different set of people. my most enjoyable times working with people was when there was someone who came all the time or working with one of the therapists (that happened a LOT less than you would think). its nice to build up a repour (sp?) and a reputation with people, to know what they're like and for them to know what you're like. maybe its an ego thing, but i think part of it is that i really do value relationships and the power they can have. you can do so much with someone you know and trust, and its such a nicer environment to be in. so, something else i've figured out about what i want to do...
-this made more sense last night, but (this is going from a world view that God is perfect, almighy, beyond this world, and this world is fallen, evil that was allowed in at the fall is the cause of all of our problems today) have you ever thought about how bits of evil are let in? from the idea that sin is sin and no matter how "big" or "small" it seperates us from our Holy God, why do we only get gradial consequences? and why do the things that hurt us the most have the least outwardly obvious consequence? for example: gluttony with food - we get fat. promiscuity - we get diseases that no one can see... or, the worse, our souls slowly die.... its probably partly because what we see, though the most "real" to us, is the least truly real. in eternity, things like our bodies will fade away. we'll get new ones, yet we're so worried about our bodies. and marriage, something we think about SO much (many of us), and yet it likely won't exist in eternity. its so crazy. then... God. i know we'll be perfect when we see Him, but how does anything less than Him stand to see Him? were the seraphim with the wings over their faces covering themselves because the glory was so great, or out of respect? or both? how can we, so finite, even in eternity, ever really experience a God so infinite? then that brings you to the thought that God allows himself to be seen and understood by us. we get a gradiant of Him, not something that is less than Him, but something that is not all of Him.... and to think that the things we know and think of Him are only a small fraction, just a bit of what He allows us to see, because anything more would blow our minds... but it does make me think of the 7 blind men who each felt a different part of the elephant. not that i think religions do that, but it does keep one humble to realize that my version of the true God is just that, a piece of the actual God, and i should hold loosely to that piece. because if something happens that somehow disproves my understanding of God, it is not God that is in question, but my understanding of Him that should be questioned.
that was about 5 different pieces of thoughts, readings and discussions i've had in the past week.... all are rolling around in my head. i love to think of things and then see something else, and realize that they're really related, like seeing how your thought on one subject, say pizza for example. you can think that pizza is great as long as it doesn't have a ton of sauce. then later you see that you like cheesey bread. i can know that you're not going to want dipping sauce for that because, well, you don't like sauce. later, when you realize that you never eally did like spaghetti, you might realize, dude, its just because i don't like sauce! then you later in life realize you have a slight allergy to tomatoes so you feel sick when you eat them, and it all comes together... ;o) no, but really. when you think about certain attributes of God and your beliefs, you see how its connected to other aspects of your life... if you can't understand how a loving God can let something happen, so you're mad at Him, you can look at that and see that, hey, maybe my understanding of a loving God is different than what a loving God is, or perhaps that "something" isn't exactly the something i think it is. things are not what they seem. really. there's so much more than what we see.... and what we see gets in the way of the more importatn so much of the time.
.... i have a lot mroe rolling around in my head. sometimes i wish i had a constant companion that would let me talk, and would talk back, adding their thoughts, pushing mine further, or making me think out the implications of what i'm saying.... but, for now, i should go to bed. i said i'd be in the office at 9am.
oh, Christmas was good, i guess. no one cried, i saw everyone in my family at some point that weekend, and i got some new clothing, money, too (which i spent on clothes. dang it, that outward appearance thing).
i hope its warm and dry tomorrow. i really, really want to run outside.