PSA
So this entry started as a response to my sister, who left me some wise words for thought on one of my recent posts, which is now locked. After thinking on it more I decided it was something that I needed to make public, because the world deserves an explanation. People may not agree with my POV, and that's okay, but perhaps they will understand why I feel the way I do.
I never knew that we would go from being as close as were once were to me being chastised by my little sister (well, younger technically, since she is taller than me), but I can't dispute any of it. She is 100% right, no matter how much it hurt for me to read what she said.
Let's start with Mike. It is a very well known fact that sleeping with the boss is a bad idea. There are very few instances where it has turned into a good thing for people. Will there ever be an opportunity? I highly doubt it. Am I reading too far into it? More than likely. You have to understand how I see Mike as a person. I find him very approachable and easy to talk to about work problems, since he's usually so light-hearted. This is the complete opposite of Kevin and Doug, the owners of the Bristol Bakery, of whom I found rather intimidating. Mike is chill, smart, calm, and has a great sense of humor. I like the attention he gives me. I like the joking around, the pats on the head, and that he'll offer me a hug if I'm having a rough day. I think he's a good person and that we have good chemistry. However, any attraction I have towards him is physical only. I'm not falling for him and I don't even have a crush on him. In fact the reason I posted that huge revelation about my desire towards him was my way of screaming it at the top of my lungs with the hope that maybe my feelings would diminish after they got out in the open. The fact is I do enjoy working for him and in the long run would hate to do anything to traumatize the relationship we have.
Concerning Bryon, Kimmie says that cheating is wrong and he doesn't deserve to be treated like that. She's right. He doesn't deserve that. NO ONE deserves to be wronged in that fashion, EVER, and it's not something I would wish upon anyone. Yet at the same time, we both deserve to be happy in our relationships. I deserve someone who is supportive, considerate, and affectionate; he deserves someone who is attentive, nurturing, and patient; qualities that we can't seem to draw out of one another anymore. For almost a year now I have worked at restoring our relationship and making thing better. I've tried talking to him, I've tried negotiating with him, I've tried asking nicely, I've tried offering incentives... eventually this just leads to me getting frustrated with why things aren't going where I expected them to and I just end up screaming at him. We don't argue; we never argue, because he never fights back. He just sits there and takes it and then I feel worse because I feel like I've attacked him. He never, ever, ever defends himself, ever: not against me, not against his co-workers, not against his family members. And if he can't defend himself, he will never be able to stand up for me. Now I am not the type of girl who needs constant vigilance, but there have been two moments where I was vulnerable and needed someone to champion for me, and he failed to do it both times. It stings, and that is not something I can easily let go.
I also want to put out there that he isn't taking care of himself. I will give him credit, he has lost 20 pounds since we came to Vermont. I am proud of him for that. However, his blood pressure is high and he still has 30 pounds to go, according to his doctor. Maybe the doctor needs to remind him that watching 4 hours of TV a day won't cut it. With the amount of time he spends on his ass in front of the tube, or perched online playing Gaia or whatever game, I've asked him to spend 30 minutes on the treadmill, or doing some kind of activity. He could go swimming, or ride his bike, and that doesn't happen on a regular basis either. I haven't even gotten bitchy about this subject. I've asked nice, I've prodded, I've suggested.... I've even gotten competitive, trying to goad him into beating my time or distance. Nothing will motivate him unless I tell him to do it, and even that doesn't work all the time. It's like my only option now is to watch him eat himself into a heart attack. It's really hard to watch someone destroy themself in this manner. How could I devote my life to someone who justifies acting like this? Would you?
Now don't get me wrong, because I am well aware I am far from perfect. I've been having my own weight struggles (I'm not fat, but I need to keep myself in line while I'm young) and I've been battling potential alcoholism for the last six months. I'm 100% aware of what I have to fight, and I've made a lot of stride. I don't complain about my weight or about booze because I know I have myself to blame. I've come a long way, but I still hit bumps in the road. The thing is, I've never had Bryon's support on this. Ever. He thinks I'm "cute" when I drunk. Granted I AM fucking adorable when I'm intoxicated BUT, even when I told him I had a drinking problem he never did anything to intervene. Honestly I'm not even sure he knew I was drinking half the time, despite that during the last three months I stopped trying to hide it. I had to stage my own intervention and pull myself out of my hole, and I will never go back to that place again. I am a stronger person because of it, but at a price: it pushed me farther away from Bryon, because I did it alone.
The real dilemma I am facing is what to do next. Clearly I need to get out of this house; there is no question there. I feel like I have overstayed my welcome; even if that isn't the case, it's how I feel. For a while I've felt like "If I'm gonna move out, I may as well move closer to my parents", because I feel it is important I be there for them. On the other hand, leaving Vermont at this time would give me A LOT of loose ends to tie up, and while I would hate to put my life in boxes AGAIN, and only for maybe a year... maybe moving to Burlington is my best move at this point.
Either way, it won't be easy. Leaving this house won't be easy. Saying goodbye to Bryon, while inevitable, is still going to be very hard for me. Nevermind that he IS aware of my intentions, I'm not sure how he'll react. Will he finally start putting his whole heart and soul into his work and his life? Or will he continue to idle in front of digital media? Either this will change him for the better or it won't change him at all. If it does change him for the better, then good. I'm glad that in at least my absence I have impacted him positively. If it doesn't get him to wake up and smell the coffee, then I will be greatly saddened because my decision to leave him will only be re-affirmed.
I never want to hurt anyone intentionally, because it's the kind of person I am, but part of life is accepting that hurting other people is inevitable, and sometimes out of your control. It doesn't make me a bad person, it just makes me human. If my actions make me a selfish asshole, then so be it. I won't apologize for being true to myself, and I will NEVER apologize for putting my happiness and self-worth first. I can't count on anyone to take care of me and make me happy but me. THAT, my friends, is a simple fact of reality.
And with that I bid you all adieu for a little while. It's time to step back from LJ, Facebook, and perhaps the internet in general. Sure, I'll still check out the top headlines and see what other people are up to, but overall I think I need to spend less time online and more time outside, less time watching TV and more time cleaning house, less time complaining and more time sleeping, etc. I plan to really figure out what the next five years will mean to me. I'm going to be 25 next month... a quarter-century old. It's a little freaky to me. I need to be sure that the decisions I make will benefit me in the long run, even if they are difficult now.
Over the years I've had some friends say how much they want to go back to kindergarden, where homework was easy, school was fun, and Mom and Dad were always there to take care of life. I don't deny that I have moments where I just want a hug from Mommy to make it all better, but as an adult I have a lot of freedoms and independence that--while also coupled with larger responsibilities--overpower any joy I would get from having a child's life. In other words, I've gotten so used to being an adult that I don't want it any other way.
The next three months are going to be huge. I have no idea what's going to happen. I know I'll encounter a lot of bumps in the road, and I'm not even sure what the destination is... but I'm looking forward to every moment. Not sure when I'll come back to LJ, but expect me to have a lot to say when I do.
"Let's see how far we've come".
I never knew that we would go from being as close as were once were to me being chastised by my little sister (well, younger technically, since she is taller than me), but I can't dispute any of it. She is 100% right, no matter how much it hurt for me to read what she said.
Let's start with Mike. It is a very well known fact that sleeping with the boss is a bad idea. There are very few instances where it has turned into a good thing for people. Will there ever be an opportunity? I highly doubt it. Am I reading too far into it? More than likely. You have to understand how I see Mike as a person. I find him very approachable and easy to talk to about work problems, since he's usually so light-hearted. This is the complete opposite of Kevin and Doug, the owners of the Bristol Bakery, of whom I found rather intimidating. Mike is chill, smart, calm, and has a great sense of humor. I like the attention he gives me. I like the joking around, the pats on the head, and that he'll offer me a hug if I'm having a rough day. I think he's a good person and that we have good chemistry. However, any attraction I have towards him is physical only. I'm not falling for him and I don't even have a crush on him. In fact the reason I posted that huge revelation about my desire towards him was my way of screaming it at the top of my lungs with the hope that maybe my feelings would diminish after they got out in the open. The fact is I do enjoy working for him and in the long run would hate to do anything to traumatize the relationship we have.
Concerning Bryon, Kimmie says that cheating is wrong and he doesn't deserve to be treated like that. She's right. He doesn't deserve that. NO ONE deserves to be wronged in that fashion, EVER, and it's not something I would wish upon anyone. Yet at the same time, we both deserve to be happy in our relationships. I deserve someone who is supportive, considerate, and affectionate; he deserves someone who is attentive, nurturing, and patient; qualities that we can't seem to draw out of one another anymore. For almost a year now I have worked at restoring our relationship and making thing better. I've tried talking to him, I've tried negotiating with him, I've tried asking nicely, I've tried offering incentives... eventually this just leads to me getting frustrated with why things aren't going where I expected them to and I just end up screaming at him. We don't argue; we never argue, because he never fights back. He just sits there and takes it and then I feel worse because I feel like I've attacked him. He never, ever, ever defends himself, ever: not against me, not against his co-workers, not against his family members. And if he can't defend himself, he will never be able to stand up for me. Now I am not the type of girl who needs constant vigilance, but there have been two moments where I was vulnerable and needed someone to champion for me, and he failed to do it both times. It stings, and that is not something I can easily let go.
I also want to put out there that he isn't taking care of himself. I will give him credit, he has lost 20 pounds since we came to Vermont. I am proud of him for that. However, his blood pressure is high and he still has 30 pounds to go, according to his doctor. Maybe the doctor needs to remind him that watching 4 hours of TV a day won't cut it. With the amount of time he spends on his ass in front of the tube, or perched online playing Gaia or whatever game, I've asked him to spend 30 minutes on the treadmill, or doing some kind of activity. He could go swimming, or ride his bike, and that doesn't happen on a regular basis either. I haven't even gotten bitchy about this subject. I've asked nice, I've prodded, I've suggested.... I've even gotten competitive, trying to goad him into beating my time or distance. Nothing will motivate him unless I tell him to do it, and even that doesn't work all the time. It's like my only option now is to watch him eat himself into a heart attack. It's really hard to watch someone destroy themself in this manner. How could I devote my life to someone who justifies acting like this? Would you?
Now don't get me wrong, because I am well aware I am far from perfect. I've been having my own weight struggles (I'm not fat, but I need to keep myself in line while I'm young) and I've been battling potential alcoholism for the last six months. I'm 100% aware of what I have to fight, and I've made a lot of stride. I don't complain about my weight or about booze because I know I have myself to blame. I've come a long way, but I still hit bumps in the road. The thing is, I've never had Bryon's support on this. Ever. He thinks I'm "cute" when I drunk. Granted I AM fucking adorable when I'm intoxicated BUT, even when I told him I had a drinking problem he never did anything to intervene. Honestly I'm not even sure he knew I was drinking half the time, despite that during the last three months I stopped trying to hide it. I had to stage my own intervention and pull myself out of my hole, and I will never go back to that place again. I am a stronger person because of it, but at a price: it pushed me farther away from Bryon, because I did it alone.
The real dilemma I am facing is what to do next. Clearly I need to get out of this house; there is no question there. I feel like I have overstayed my welcome; even if that isn't the case, it's how I feel. For a while I've felt like "If I'm gonna move out, I may as well move closer to my parents", because I feel it is important I be there for them. On the other hand, leaving Vermont at this time would give me A LOT of loose ends to tie up, and while I would hate to put my life in boxes AGAIN, and only for maybe a year... maybe moving to Burlington is my best move at this point.
Either way, it won't be easy. Leaving this house won't be easy. Saying goodbye to Bryon, while inevitable, is still going to be very hard for me. Nevermind that he IS aware of my intentions, I'm not sure how he'll react. Will he finally start putting his whole heart and soul into his work and his life? Or will he continue to idle in front of digital media? Either this will change him for the better or it won't change him at all. If it does change him for the better, then good. I'm glad that in at least my absence I have impacted him positively. If it doesn't get him to wake up and smell the coffee, then I will be greatly saddened because my decision to leave him will only be re-affirmed.
I never want to hurt anyone intentionally, because it's the kind of person I am, but part of life is accepting that hurting other people is inevitable, and sometimes out of your control. It doesn't make me a bad person, it just makes me human. If my actions make me a selfish asshole, then so be it. I won't apologize for being true to myself, and I will NEVER apologize for putting my happiness and self-worth first. I can't count on anyone to take care of me and make me happy but me. THAT, my friends, is a simple fact of reality.
And with that I bid you all adieu for a little while. It's time to step back from LJ, Facebook, and perhaps the internet in general. Sure, I'll still check out the top headlines and see what other people are up to, but overall I think I need to spend less time online and more time outside, less time watching TV and more time cleaning house, less time complaining and more time sleeping, etc. I plan to really figure out what the next five years will mean to me. I'm going to be 25 next month... a quarter-century old. It's a little freaky to me. I need to be sure that the decisions I make will benefit me in the long run, even if they are difficult now.
Over the years I've had some friends say how much they want to go back to kindergarden, where homework was easy, school was fun, and Mom and Dad were always there to take care of life. I don't deny that I have moments where I just want a hug from Mommy to make it all better, but as an adult I have a lot of freedoms and independence that--while also coupled with larger responsibilities--overpower any joy I would get from having a child's life. In other words, I've gotten so used to being an adult that I don't want it any other way.
The next three months are going to be huge. I have no idea what's going to happen. I know I'll encounter a lot of bumps in the road, and I'm not even sure what the destination is... but I'm looking forward to every moment. Not sure when I'll come back to LJ, but expect me to have a lot to say when I do.
"Let's see how far we've come".