Here's everything you've been missing
Alrighty folks, here's the update I promised to write. I admit that as I sit here I'm not entirely sure where to begin, but I figure I'll just let my fingers nagivate the keys and let everything just come as it may.
I suppose the premise of what I want to talk about is the weekend of the Superbowl. Danny, as he normally does, hosted a Superbowl party, of which I have attended a couple but hadn't been since he moved to his new place. I hadn't seen him since June and haven't seen Rachel in nearly two years, and decided I was overdue for a visit. Armed with football shaped cakes and coconut macaroons, I made the trek to Ansonia.
I was a little apprehensive about attending. I don't want to give the impression that I'm all that and a bag of chips, and that when I leave Vermont to visit people should fawn over me and be so elated that I graced them with my prescence. I would hate for people to think that I feel entitled to come and go as I please, and by just showing up at Danny's place with very little advance notice, I was giving into that character. I tried to tell myself that it was okay, that Danny is my friend, that Rachel loves having me around, and that it's not like I was trying to mooch off some free food and liquor.
So I went, and people were surprised to see me, but a good surprise. I was greeted with warm hellos and lots of hugs. It was wonderful to see some of my old pals, and got to meet a few new people as well. As I made my way around the room, Danny would introduce me to folks as "a friend of mine from high school", and while this is absolutely true, it wasn't until he said those words that I realized how long of a time that actually encompassed. We're talking 10 years, 9 at the least. That's a long frickkin-ass time, when you consider I'm only 24. Upon coming to terms with this I realized that Danny, like Keith, is one of those precious non-familial links to my past that I so desperately try to hold onto, and I feel blessed to have both of them still in my lives.
At the current moment I'm in Connecticut visiting the fam for Mom's birthday, Zachary's birthday, and a poker tournament hosted by Tim. I've been working so many long days in the last four weeks that this mini vacation is meant to let me relax, refresh, and return to Vermont a clear minded woman. I can't deny, though, that despite the flaws of the city, I cannot completely cleanse myself of the Dirty Waters*, and I don't think I really want to. I've now decided that I am moving back to CT; it's no longer an internal debate. What I haven't determined is when.
As soon as possible is the plan, though initially I was thinking the end of August or so. This gives me time to tie up any loose ends I may have to deal with, in addition with securing a job and a place to live. If I really wanted to, I could move back at any time, but it would mean moving in my folks, since I wouldn't have the means to get started right away. I love my parents, I really do, and I am grateful to know that they will provide me with a place to day, but I know that a good portion of the frustration I feel from living in the Hu househould is from giving up the independence I had worked so hard to obtain and maintain. Living on my own was no doubt one of the hardest things I've done, but it was also the most rewarding, and nothing can ever replicate that feeling. My concern is that if I moved back with my mom and dad I would continue to eminate that frustration, and weaken my relationship with them. It's the strongest it's ever been and I would hate to make a decision that would cause it to become compromised.
Living on my own, and living alone. I love my friends, I really do, and my home will always be open to them, but I think it's best for me to live by myself. From now on it's either just me or me and my spouse. If I ain't gonna marry 'im, he can't live with me.
As for the Bryon situation... well, I'm still working that one out.
So once I go back to work on Tuesday, that's pretty much all that I'll be doing the rest of the month. April stands to be a complete mess at the bakery, and I'm really up in the air over whether it's worth it to speak up or to just sit back and let everyone else determine my duties. If I get fired I at least have the option to go back to fulltime at my parttime job. I'd rather not, but the option is there. I just don't get how Doug talks about expanding the business when I've seen several signs that the business is LOSING money. Perhaps it was just a temporary thing... it remains to be seen. I don't necessarily want it to go under, because it saddens me when restaurants close, but if it should, then I'll have to move on, which translates into one less decision that I have to make. Similar to how I kept going on drinking binges to see how Stephen and Beth would react. Well, if they disapprove of my behaviour, they haven't said a peep to me.
What's ironic is, if they do evict me for my constant drinking, I'll stop wanting to drink so much, because I won't be exposed to all the bullshit. Heh.
I do want to point out that things are getting better... or at least they're not as bad. I'm not sure which fits better. The family doesn't fight as much... it still happens, but not nearly as often as it was occouring 3-4 months ago. I'm not drinking as much as was, either... It's been cut down from 4-5 nights a week to 2, tops. I just haven't wanted to drink.
But! enough of spilling out all the things that I think are going wrong. The fact is, weeding out what I DON'T want is just as important as pursuing what I DO want. I know exactly why I'm unhappy, I know what to do to fix it, and I know what to do next. The problem is I'm making progress SO SLOWLY... it's hard to be patient when you know what you want, because you want to have it RIGHT NOW. That, sadly, is nothing I can control.
Anyway, I think I'm done here for now, fellow LiveJournalians. I imagine that the next time you get a serious undate from me will be sometime after the snow has melted from the caps of Mt. Mansfield, which probably won't happen before June.
*"Dirty Waters" is a nickname for Waterbury; also known as H2Obury
I suppose the premise of what I want to talk about is the weekend of the Superbowl. Danny, as he normally does, hosted a Superbowl party, of which I have attended a couple but hadn't been since he moved to his new place. I hadn't seen him since June and haven't seen Rachel in nearly two years, and decided I was overdue for a visit. Armed with football shaped cakes and coconut macaroons, I made the trek to Ansonia.
I was a little apprehensive about attending. I don't want to give the impression that I'm all that and a bag of chips, and that when I leave Vermont to visit people should fawn over me and be so elated that I graced them with my prescence. I would hate for people to think that I feel entitled to come and go as I please, and by just showing up at Danny's place with very little advance notice, I was giving into that character. I tried to tell myself that it was okay, that Danny is my friend, that Rachel loves having me around, and that it's not like I was trying to mooch off some free food and liquor.
So I went, and people were surprised to see me, but a good surprise. I was greeted with warm hellos and lots of hugs. It was wonderful to see some of my old pals, and got to meet a few new people as well. As I made my way around the room, Danny would introduce me to folks as "a friend of mine from high school", and while this is absolutely true, it wasn't until he said those words that I realized how long of a time that actually encompassed. We're talking 10 years, 9 at the least. That's a long frickkin-ass time, when you consider I'm only 24. Upon coming to terms with this I realized that Danny, like Keith, is one of those precious non-familial links to my past that I so desperately try to hold onto, and I feel blessed to have both of them still in my lives.
At the current moment I'm in Connecticut visiting the fam for Mom's birthday, Zachary's birthday, and a poker tournament hosted by Tim. I've been working so many long days in the last four weeks that this mini vacation is meant to let me relax, refresh, and return to Vermont a clear minded woman. I can't deny, though, that despite the flaws of the city, I cannot completely cleanse myself of the Dirty Waters*, and I don't think I really want to. I've now decided that I am moving back to CT; it's no longer an internal debate. What I haven't determined is when.
As soon as possible is the plan, though initially I was thinking the end of August or so. This gives me time to tie up any loose ends I may have to deal with, in addition with securing a job and a place to live. If I really wanted to, I could move back at any time, but it would mean moving in my folks, since I wouldn't have the means to get started right away. I love my parents, I really do, and I am grateful to know that they will provide me with a place to day, but I know that a good portion of the frustration I feel from living in the Hu househould is from giving up the independence I had worked so hard to obtain and maintain. Living on my own was no doubt one of the hardest things I've done, but it was also the most rewarding, and nothing can ever replicate that feeling. My concern is that if I moved back with my mom and dad I would continue to eminate that frustration, and weaken my relationship with them. It's the strongest it's ever been and I would hate to make a decision that would cause it to become compromised.
Living on my own, and living alone. I love my friends, I really do, and my home will always be open to them, but I think it's best for me to live by myself. From now on it's either just me or me and my spouse. If I ain't gonna marry 'im, he can't live with me.
As for the Bryon situation... well, I'm still working that one out.
So once I go back to work on Tuesday, that's pretty much all that I'll be doing the rest of the month. April stands to be a complete mess at the bakery, and I'm really up in the air over whether it's worth it to speak up or to just sit back and let everyone else determine my duties. If I get fired I at least have the option to go back to fulltime at my parttime job. I'd rather not, but the option is there. I just don't get how Doug talks about expanding the business when I've seen several signs that the business is LOSING money. Perhaps it was just a temporary thing... it remains to be seen. I don't necessarily want it to go under, because it saddens me when restaurants close, but if it should, then I'll have to move on, which translates into one less decision that I have to make. Similar to how I kept going on drinking binges to see how Stephen and Beth would react. Well, if they disapprove of my behaviour, they haven't said a peep to me.
What's ironic is, if they do evict me for my constant drinking, I'll stop wanting to drink so much, because I won't be exposed to all the bullshit. Heh.
I do want to point out that things are getting better... or at least they're not as bad. I'm not sure which fits better. The family doesn't fight as much... it still happens, but not nearly as often as it was occouring 3-4 months ago. I'm not drinking as much as was, either... It's been cut down from 4-5 nights a week to 2, tops. I just haven't wanted to drink.
But! enough of spilling out all the things that I think are going wrong. The fact is, weeding out what I DON'T want is just as important as pursuing what I DO want. I know exactly why I'm unhappy, I know what to do to fix it, and I know what to do next. The problem is I'm making progress SO SLOWLY... it's hard to be patient when you know what you want, because you want to have it RIGHT NOW. That, sadly, is nothing I can control.
Anyway, I think I'm done here for now, fellow LiveJournalians. I imagine that the next time you get a serious undate from me will be sometime after the snow has melted from the caps of Mt. Mansfield, which probably won't happen before June.
*"Dirty Waters" is a nickname for Waterbury; also known as H2Obury