butterflies?
Holy fuck! Can this neausea in my stomache just CEASE already?! I cannot handle it. I'm optimistic and happy for moments until my feelings of anxiety flood back in. And despite focusing on other things, I know I won't be able to escape this until next Monday when I know for sure whether he will call or not.
My bet is on not. Maybe that's why I'm so low? The eminent disappointment is hovering over me like an angry rain cloud about to burst. Next Monday the forecast is going to be thunder storms and lightening. I.e. I'm going ot break down and try my hardest not to throw myself out a window.
I cannot believe how much I've already learned in the past couple days away from Corey.
Single life kind of sucks. But at the same time, I feel I've learned some essential lessons that I would've loved to have learned a while ago but at least I've got them down now..
I just wish I didn't learn it at the expense of something - or someone - that I really wanted. And didn't quite realize just how much I wanted until he was half way around the world, doing God knows what to God knows what (or whom.. but skanks are its in my book so there).
I feel like this feeling will NEVER PASS! Because it does momentarily and then floods back and I just feel like, I'm trying to go off to see but keep getting hit by waves which bring me back to shore & I have to start the process all over again.
I love my girls. I've never appreciated more than ever. Just when I needed them the most, I find that they really don't let me down. I'm so filled up with love in that respect. But it still doesnt negate the needy girl within who always wants someone to like her and makes her feel loved like no vagina can ever fully do (lol! hate to say it but its true). It's also true that there are things vaginas i.e. ladies can give me that no man will ever possess.
And I should be content with this. I really should. I am to a degree.. to a very high degree but then it's overshadowed by this worry that I fucked something up that had potential. I really didn't want to jump into another relationship so soon but he (cannot even bear to write his name) is relationship worthy. More than that. He's so awesome. And I hate it.
Another thought comes to mind: WHY must I always like the good guys? Not always but in the more recent years of my life I've liked AWESOME guys (or appreciated/crushed on some while with Corey)- intelligent, sweet/nice, polite, funny, talented... etc!
Like, it's great that I don't like assholes anymore but assholes are so much easier to get over and move onto the next one. Good guys are the ones 'that got away'. The ones that you thinka bout years later and miss and wonder what could've been if only you had...
*Sigh* I HATE HOW MUCH THIS HAS FULLY CONSUMED MY THOUGHTS! So much for being single & have time ot study. No, I'm wasting my time pondering over something that is beyond my ocntrol at the moment. And probably only making things worse and worse by doing so.
Because I'm oh so self-destructive like that. Gahd. Fuck me.
My bet is on not. Maybe that's why I'm so low? The eminent disappointment is hovering over me like an angry rain cloud about to burst. Next Monday the forecast is going to be thunder storms and lightening. I.e. I'm going ot break down and try my hardest not to throw myself out a window.
I cannot believe how much I've already learned in the past couple days away from Corey.
Single life kind of sucks. But at the same time, I feel I've learned some essential lessons that I would've loved to have learned a while ago but at least I've got them down now..
I just wish I didn't learn it at the expense of something - or someone - that I really wanted. And didn't quite realize just how much I wanted until he was half way around the world, doing God knows what to God knows what (or whom.. but skanks are its in my book so there).
I feel like this feeling will NEVER PASS! Because it does momentarily and then floods back and I just feel like, I'm trying to go off to see but keep getting hit by waves which bring me back to shore & I have to start the process all over again.
I love my girls. I've never appreciated more than ever. Just when I needed them the most, I find that they really don't let me down. I'm so filled up with love in that respect. But it still doesnt negate the needy girl within who always wants someone to like her and makes her feel loved like no vagina can ever fully do (lol! hate to say it but its true). It's also true that there are things vaginas i.e. ladies can give me that no man will ever possess.
And I should be content with this. I really should. I am to a degree.. to a very high degree but then it's overshadowed by this worry that I fucked something up that had potential. I really didn't want to jump into another relationship so soon but he (cannot even bear to write his name) is relationship worthy. More than that. He's so awesome. And I hate it.
Another thought comes to mind: WHY must I always like the good guys? Not always but in the more recent years of my life I've liked AWESOME guys (or appreciated/crushed on some while with Corey)- intelligent, sweet/nice, polite, funny, talented... etc!
Like, it's great that I don't like assholes anymore but assholes are so much easier to get over and move onto the next one. Good guys are the ones 'that got away'. The ones that you thinka bout years later and miss and wonder what could've been if only you had...
*Sigh* I HATE HOW MUCH THIS HAS FULLY CONSUMED MY THOUGHTS! So much for being single & have time ot study. No, I'm wasting my time pondering over something that is beyond my ocntrol at the moment. And probably only making things worse and worse by doing so.
Because I'm oh so self-destructive like that. Gahd. Fuck me.