How did I get here?
Well I know exactly how. I just don't understand why. I dont understand how I let things get this bad; how I let life get so bad. I guess I was just naive and blinded by my own love or self-love if thats possible. Having a guy to fall head over heels in love with me was all i ever dreamed of and when it happened I was so overjoyed I allowed the relationship to consume my life. And now I am with the best guy I'll ever know but cant appreciate him and almost resent him for putting me here. For hating my life once more. For losing or even just throwing away some of the best friends I ever had and might ever have.
I'm just so sad. So lonely and lost. So unsure of myself; so unknown to myself. I dont know who I am and it hurts so much. I feel like no one; like a ghost or a shell of the girl I used to be. I feel empty.
My heart hurts so much that I cant just love Corey and that be the end of it. That I can't just be happy with what I have. But the thinng is, I know better-- I've known better, had better. I've had great people in my life and had amazing, fun times with them that I thought would never end. And then they did--all too quickly -- and I can't bring myself to forget them and God knows I have tried.
I've tried to move on and start anew but it's nothing compared what it was or couldve been. It was simply too great to forget. It really doesnt matter what I dont that in theory could be better, it isnt. It doesnt feel better and I dont feel happier. I feel worse for even trying to forget and hating myself for giving up on what I had.
My heart just aches for the free spirit I used to be and loved to be. I miss that girl. That young, happy, carefree girl who had friends. I miss my friends.
And now I just don't know what to do. I can't enjoy school -- I resent that too because it's all I have and it hardly leaves me time for the few people still in my life. But I can't drop out or take ayear off because what do I have to go back to? Who do I have to spend my free time with ? Nothing and hardly anyone.
I'm just so fucking frustrated and hateful. Resentful, thats it. At everything. At myself, most of all. I hate everything. I hate my life. But I'm too scared too die .. to give up on what couldve been. Being back at this point gives me a new perspective of it. I know that there was good to survivng; to sticking through, to living through the unhappiness because I found great friends that helped me through it. But now, I dont know where I'll find those friends and if I'm willing enough to open myself up again.
I know that there is hope; that it's not over yet but I feel that I'll never get that second chance...not without sacrifice. And theres a big part of me that just wants to give him up too. To be free and vulnerable yet again and let myself get swept away by new people and new experiences. But then he's not jsut any guy-- he's the sweetest guy I've ever known (besides my dad) and he's trusted me with his heart and I can't bear to hurt him. It hurts to think about hurting him and it scares me to be alone. So what do I do? What can I do?
Go back to square one -- nod and smile like everything is okay because crying isn't going to change anything and will just hurt what pride I have left. Try to give myself more space from Corey... try harder then before. Try to find out who I am and where I can find happiness. Just try... try harder. Work harder. Maybe someday it'll all pay off. May be one day it'll all just blow up in my face but I guess when that day comes as least I can say that I tried.