The old me vs. the new me
I was talking with a friend yesterday. I was discussing when I was a professional actress (before I had girl child who is now 16).
I hated myself back then. My ego, my very existence, needed the limelight that came from being on stage.
I had a fan club. No, really. Folks who would go out of their way to see me in shows. There was a local playwright who wrote plays JUST to have me in them.
And I was a goober. I was so full of myself, trying to hide the insecurities inside me by being this amazing actress.
Then I stopped getting cast in shows. Roles that I wanted to do so bad. Roles that I believed were perfect for me. I figured the directors were jerks, that's why I didn't get the parts. Or they were jealous. Or they didn't like me because I was so amazing.
When I look back on that time of my life I'm embarrassed. I was such a total diva goober!
Finding out I was pregnant (as a single mom) with girl child, saved my life. Not literally (maybe) but becoming pregnant with her forced me to get out of theatre, go back to college and get my degrees (Associates, Bachelors, and Masters). I like to say I grew up.
Now I only perform in the SCA. My existence doesn't center around my performing. I still sing and practice the stories I've written, as well as working on new ones almost every day.
If I'm at an event I have no need to perform. I'm ok with letting others shine.
A friend sent me a notice this past week that a local theatre was auditioning for a show that I've always wanted to be in. A role I've always wanted to do. And now that I'm older and maybe a little wiser, I'm tempted to go for it. See if I still have "it".
But I'm scared to. I'm so scared that the old me will come out, the attention seeking, diva me will rear it's ugly head.
I'd like to think that because I'm aware of that it won't happen but I can't be sure.
Do I miss acting? Heck yes. OMG yes. But I'm not sure I'm ready to tread the boards again.
Why am I posting about this? Because all of us, each one of us, has those insecurities in some way. My insecurities are still there, waiting to be triggered sometimes. I fight them almost daily. I strive to focus on others instead of myself because that helps me with that struggle.
I'm not infallible, friends. I'm not perfect. I don't belong on a pedestal (nor do I want to be). I'd rather folks learn from my mistakes. Because I've made a lot of them.
Will I audition for that play? I doubt it. I don't really have the time to focus on being in a show right now. Maybe next spring. Or maybe not. But either way, I've learned a lot since I last performed on the stage. There comes a time when we need to accept the person we used to be. Then we can focus on who we want to be.
I hated myself back then. My ego, my very existence, needed the limelight that came from being on stage.
I had a fan club. No, really. Folks who would go out of their way to see me in shows. There was a local playwright who wrote plays JUST to have me in them.
And I was a goober. I was so full of myself, trying to hide the insecurities inside me by being this amazing actress.
Then I stopped getting cast in shows. Roles that I wanted to do so bad. Roles that I believed were perfect for me. I figured the directors were jerks, that's why I didn't get the parts. Or they were jealous. Or they didn't like me because I was so amazing.
When I look back on that time of my life I'm embarrassed. I was such a total diva goober!
Finding out I was pregnant (as a single mom) with girl child, saved my life. Not literally (maybe) but becoming pregnant with her forced me to get out of theatre, go back to college and get my degrees (Associates, Bachelors, and Masters). I like to say I grew up.
Now I only perform in the SCA. My existence doesn't center around my performing. I still sing and practice the stories I've written, as well as working on new ones almost every day.
If I'm at an event I have no need to perform. I'm ok with letting others shine.
A friend sent me a notice this past week that a local theatre was auditioning for a show that I've always wanted to be in. A role I've always wanted to do. And now that I'm older and maybe a little wiser, I'm tempted to go for it. See if I still have "it".
But I'm scared to. I'm so scared that the old me will come out, the attention seeking, diva me will rear it's ugly head.
I'd like to think that because I'm aware of that it won't happen but I can't be sure.
Do I miss acting? Heck yes. OMG yes. But I'm not sure I'm ready to tread the boards again.
Why am I posting about this? Because all of us, each one of us, has those insecurities in some way. My insecurities are still there, waiting to be triggered sometimes. I fight them almost daily. I strive to focus on others instead of myself because that helps me with that struggle.
I'm not infallible, friends. I'm not perfect. I don't belong on a pedestal (nor do I want to be). I'd rather folks learn from my mistakes. Because I've made a lot of them.
Will I audition for that play? I doubt it. I don't really have the time to focus on being in a show right now. Maybe next spring. Or maybe not. But either way, I've learned a lot since I last performed on the stage. There comes a time when we need to accept the person we used to be. Then we can focus on who we want to be.