(no subject)
So I am awake at fuck o clock (just woke up, in my defense) and smoking too many cigarettes.
See, I must, be awake in a random male's house (so ok its the same male as last post, I dont do one nighters much) and smoke the damned cigs too.
Seeing there will be no more cigs, or males, or parties, or anything for me. I am going to be a mom.
Oh not in the biological way, I didnt forget how birth control works all of a sudden (and if it was the biological shit, the cigarettes would be so out of the window). The foster kinda way.
Its not as bad as all that, a month or six weeks maybe. And I love the kidling and I think we will enjoy one anothers company. And after all I turned out to be a kitten mom of excellence, so who knows, maybe I will do well with a human kiddie too?
Still this is *fucked*. Now dont get me wrong, I love her, and I want her about, but I am so not ready for this sort of responsibility.
I am going to need a different place to stay. I am going to have to drop my nice job which lets me listen to whatever music I like and show up when I've got the time, for something regular which will look good. Something which is a good role model. A role model. Me. You can all laugh now.
See, my ex's little sis, who became my little sis by contagion, needs a place for a bit. I told her out of fondness that anything she needs which is in my power, I will do. And this is in my power, if only just barely. And you do not break promises to children.
I love her. I really do. But I dont know how I am going to cope.
And I fucking hate all the adults involved. I mean, *I* know I am not an axe murderer or a drug addict or any of the bad shit. But they dont. The animal shelter questions you more when you want a cat -a perfectly good human being, if a small one, just doesnt seem worth the trouble. They just let you take one and ship it off to a foreign country and evidently kinda hope that I will be nice to it.
Of course I will be nice to it. As I best know how. But I am not so sure that my best will be good enough! And this little one has family from here to Tokyo -her dad never could keep his pants on, much similar to his son I might add -and for some reason I cannot comprehend this fucking mess gets dumped on *my* doorstep. Does everyone else just honestly not give a fuck? And how did all these adults become so broken in the head as to not give a fuck when even a loser like me does?
So if you should happen to read this, Tara, I do want you around, I really do. I love you. And me and Ratsky the cat will make a home for you. But what is this sort of a fucked up family that lets someone they know not at all take their little girl to some country they know nothing about -I would have expected drug tests! Strenuous interviews! Some kind of goddamned questions at least! On the lines of can you provide a good and stable staying place for a teenage girl! I have nightmares on those questions, every night now, because I honest to Worms do not know if I can.
I am very scared.
See, I must, be awake in a random male's house (so ok its the same male as last post, I dont do one nighters much) and smoke the damned cigs too.
Seeing there will be no more cigs, or males, or parties, or anything for me. I am going to be a mom.
Oh not in the biological way, I didnt forget how birth control works all of a sudden (and if it was the biological shit, the cigarettes would be so out of the window). The foster kinda way.
Its not as bad as all that, a month or six weeks maybe. And I love the kidling and I think we will enjoy one anothers company. And after all I turned out to be a kitten mom of excellence, so who knows, maybe I will do well with a human kiddie too?
Still this is *fucked*. Now dont get me wrong, I love her, and I want her about, but I am so not ready for this sort of responsibility.
I am going to need a different place to stay. I am going to have to drop my nice job which lets me listen to whatever music I like and show up when I've got the time, for something regular which will look good. Something which is a good role model. A role model. Me. You can all laugh now.
See, my ex's little sis, who became my little sis by contagion, needs a place for a bit. I told her out of fondness that anything she needs which is in my power, I will do. And this is in my power, if only just barely. And you do not break promises to children.
I love her. I really do. But I dont know how I am going to cope.
And I fucking hate all the adults involved. I mean, *I* know I am not an axe murderer or a drug addict or any of the bad shit. But they dont. The animal shelter questions you more when you want a cat -a perfectly good human being, if a small one, just doesnt seem worth the trouble. They just let you take one and ship it off to a foreign country and evidently kinda hope that I will be nice to it.
Of course I will be nice to it. As I best know how. But I am not so sure that my best will be good enough! And this little one has family from here to Tokyo -her dad never could keep his pants on, much similar to his son I might add -and for some reason I cannot comprehend this fucking mess gets dumped on *my* doorstep. Does everyone else just honestly not give a fuck? And how did all these adults become so broken in the head as to not give a fuck when even a loser like me does?
So if you should happen to read this, Tara, I do want you around, I really do. I love you. And me and Ratsky the cat will make a home for you. But what is this sort of a fucked up family that lets someone they know not at all take their little girl to some country they know nothing about -I would have expected drug tests! Strenuous interviews! Some kind of goddamned questions at least! On the lines of can you provide a good and stable staying place for a teenage girl! I have nightmares on those questions, every night now, because I honest to Worms do not know if I can.
I am very scared.