How I remember it.
The is the longest that Johnny and I have not spoken since we've known one another. Since May, six months. It's quite odd. I finally gave him a ring and he finally called back today but we've still not spoken. After listening to his message while sitting in traffic along North Mopac I started to reminisce.
The odd thing is that two out of the three closest of past "boyfriends" share their Birthday; November 13th. Johnny is the odd man out, and his birthday is November 14th. I, Gemini, seem to heart Scorpio's.... though the science of the stars state that we are no match. It's quite funny thinking about the astrology of all my past relationships... and how all three guys resemble each other artistically and emotionally - with intensity; that being a compliment.......... Damn them heartbreakers! I learned so much from them.
But today I thought most about Johnny. Point blank - he really, truly, loved me. He did anything and everything in the world just to get me to stare in his direction... and I was such an ass! I fought him off, I told him to stop wasting his time on me, for fucks sake I told him to stop being so nice!! Even then I was sitting there asking myself, asking my friends, 'What the hell is wrong with me?' Everyone loved him!! Except me. I couldn't help not knowing what I did or didn't want..... and even though I tried to know what I wanted, and tried doing him a favor by being honest... I noticed there's still some guilt in that. Perhaps because I sometimes wonder if anything that I did or didn't do made him turn to that wrong path again, as though he could have some sort of control over his life. Like, he could "maintain", and "control" his emotions with his habit, til it became an addiction and his life became unmanageable.
It's crazy even looking back at that whole thing, seeing that I am an Adult Child Of an Alcoholic. It was just the relationship I needed, to learn such vital information about the very types of relationships I naturally seek but should certainly stay away from. Not like I saw it coming, but anyway...... good or bad:
That was the only time I ever felt loved by someone who didn't HAVE to love me... and no matter what he just kept on. The most shame that I hold is that I loved him for so long before ever saying anything. I knew that he wasn't the one for me, and saying, "I love you, but I don't want to be with you" was not the thing I wanted to say... and saying, "I love you" did not change the fact of what I knew. I've been told those very words before and at the time couldn't understand what the hell it meant. I was thinking, 'How could you fucking love me but not want to be WITH me, you fuckin' jerk! Stop toying with my emotions! Either you love and want to be with me, or you don't and you don't!!!'
Somewhere between then and now I came to understand that love comes in different shapes and forms, such as loving someone vs. being 'in' love. It never has been black and white, has it....
Anyway, today... I was just thinking of how great it felt for someone to love me so much, and how sad it was for me not to love him back just as much. I feel that I'm often in that other boat, gazing for that return stare - of heart and soul - but it's just a mirage and I'm just a far-fetched dreamer. You can't choose who you love; I get that. In some sense I just wish that I could've given Johnny what he offered to me for so long.
Yet, the stars will align for me one day and it will be made right.
The odd thing is that two out of the three closest of past "boyfriends" share their Birthday; November 13th. Johnny is the odd man out, and his birthday is November 14th. I, Gemini, seem to heart Scorpio's.... though the science of the stars state that we are no match. It's quite funny thinking about the astrology of all my past relationships... and how all three guys resemble each other artistically and emotionally - with intensity; that being a compliment.......... Damn them heartbreakers! I learned so much from them.
But today I thought most about Johnny. Point blank - he really, truly, loved me. He did anything and everything in the world just to get me to stare in his direction... and I was such an ass! I fought him off, I told him to stop wasting his time on me, for fucks sake I told him to stop being so nice!! Even then I was sitting there asking myself, asking my friends, 'What the hell is wrong with me?' Everyone loved him!! Except me. I couldn't help not knowing what I did or didn't want..... and even though I tried to know what I wanted, and tried doing him a favor by being honest... I noticed there's still some guilt in that. Perhaps because I sometimes wonder if anything that I did or didn't do made him turn to that wrong path again, as though he could have some sort of control over his life. Like, he could "maintain", and "control" his emotions with his habit, til it became an addiction and his life became unmanageable.
It's crazy even looking back at that whole thing, seeing that I am an Adult Child Of an Alcoholic. It was just the relationship I needed, to learn such vital information about the very types of relationships I naturally seek but should certainly stay away from. Not like I saw it coming, but anyway...... good or bad:
That was the only time I ever felt loved by someone who didn't HAVE to love me... and no matter what he just kept on. The most shame that I hold is that I loved him for so long before ever saying anything. I knew that he wasn't the one for me, and saying, "I love you, but I don't want to be with you" was not the thing I wanted to say... and saying, "I love you" did not change the fact of what I knew. I've been told those very words before and at the time couldn't understand what the hell it meant. I was thinking, 'How could you fucking love me but not want to be WITH me, you fuckin' jerk! Stop toying with my emotions! Either you love and want to be with me, or you don't and you don't!!!'
Somewhere between then and now I came to understand that love comes in different shapes and forms, such as loving someone vs. being 'in' love. It never has been black and white, has it....
Anyway, today... I was just thinking of how great it felt for someone to love me so much, and how sad it was for me not to love him back just as much. I feel that I'm often in that other boat, gazing for that return stare - of heart and soul - but it's just a mirage and I'm just a far-fetched dreamer. You can't choose who you love; I get that. In some sense I just wish that I could've given Johnny what he offered to me for so long.
Yet, the stars will align for me one day and it will be made right.