Still
I've been avoiding my thoughts on the situation with Gabe. The email is still pending and has not been read, however, he has only logged in once since then. Sarah informed me that Michael had asked what was going on between Gabe and I. Sarah didn't go into depth about it with him, but Michael did inform her that Gabriel was so worried about the email after I'd hung up with him (which was after informing him about the letter). That was the last time we spoke. Michael also said, "I'm not sure, but I think he may have deleted it."
I have hope that he didn't because I know he cares about me and what I think. He once said that there are a lot of friendships with people that he doesn't take too seriously, that if certain people were mad he wouldn't care, "But if you were mad or stopped talking to me, I would care. You, I care about," he said. (This was after he and Sarah stopped being friends and we'd been discussing the situation between them.)
I also have the hope that the email wasn't deleted, that he is probably just avoiding it. I don't see why anyone would avoid something and not curiously want to know what was going on if they didn't find that they'd done anything wrong. I would think that if a person was knowingly in the wrong they would probably avoid a siatuation. Gabe is the type of person that can't stand being in the wrong; he's hot headed. He will usually live in denial over a situation for a while. I'll give him that......
The worst part of it is: the uncertainty. Everything is still fresh out of the water and so time is needed. I'm giving him time to come to me, because I've already gone to him about things. It is in his hands now but my worst fear is thinking that he may go on without reading the letter or hearing me out. I can't go on being his friend if he doesn't at least consider the things I need to say and I don't know what I'll do without him in my life. I certainly don't intend to end our friendship over such things. We're all adults, we should be able to face the facts and get through it.
I would be devastated to learn that our friendship isn't strong enough, because I believe that it is. However, I did think the same of mine and Gen's friendship and look how that turned out.
Anyway, things exploded for me today. The pharmacists at work totally humiliated me in front of several people and shot my pride. On top of everything else (school, everything emotionally, this exhausting week; my "lovely" job) there was nothing left to do but go to the bathroom and cry even though it was time for me to leave work. I couldn't look her or anyone in the eye, especially all the strangers looking at me..... I just had to leave and compose myself before drawing more attention.
After going to the bathroom and gaining composure I went to get my things and clock out for the day. Heather had asked if I was okay in the process, but I couldn't look her in the eye because her concern gave me an even stronger urge to cry. I left quickly before the water works started again and pretty much cried all the way home. When I got home I crawled into my bed and cried myself to sleep and ended up waking up 3 & 1/2 hours later. It was about 8:30pm. I'm still not sure if it made me feel better or not.
I spoke with Sarah about everything after waking up and cried the whole time telling her about it. It felt that I'd been crying because of the very thing that urked me for years of my life; my step-father. He made me feel shameful and shot my pride down quite often..... and those feelings come up when certain people take pleasure in making me feel that way. There is a guy at work that seems to take pleasure in it, and I dislike him for it. I get so upset that I can't even look at or speak to him, much like in the way with my step father. That is how I felt today, even though it may not have been that the Pharmacist did it on purpose. It still hurt..... and all I could do was walk away with my tail between my legs.
I don't need this shit. I'm enraged thinking back on it...... I'm just so angry, sad, and hurt about so many things. My body feels like stone...... and I'm exhausted.......
I have hope that he didn't because I know he cares about me and what I think. He once said that there are a lot of friendships with people that he doesn't take too seriously, that if certain people were mad he wouldn't care, "But if you were mad or stopped talking to me, I would care. You, I care about," he said. (This was after he and Sarah stopped being friends and we'd been discussing the situation between them.)
I also have the hope that the email wasn't deleted, that he is probably just avoiding it. I don't see why anyone would avoid something and not curiously want to know what was going on if they didn't find that they'd done anything wrong. I would think that if a person was knowingly in the wrong they would probably avoid a siatuation. Gabe is the type of person that can't stand being in the wrong; he's hot headed. He will usually live in denial over a situation for a while. I'll give him that......
The worst part of it is: the uncertainty. Everything is still fresh out of the water and so time is needed. I'm giving him time to come to me, because I've already gone to him about things. It is in his hands now but my worst fear is thinking that he may go on without reading the letter or hearing me out. I can't go on being his friend if he doesn't at least consider the things I need to say and I don't know what I'll do without him in my life. I certainly don't intend to end our friendship over such things. We're all adults, we should be able to face the facts and get through it.
I would be devastated to learn that our friendship isn't strong enough, because I believe that it is. However, I did think the same of mine and Gen's friendship and look how that turned out.
Anyway, things exploded for me today. The pharmacists at work totally humiliated me in front of several people and shot my pride. On top of everything else (school, everything emotionally, this exhausting week; my "lovely" job) there was nothing left to do but go to the bathroom and cry even though it was time for me to leave work. I couldn't look her or anyone in the eye, especially all the strangers looking at me..... I just had to leave and compose myself before drawing more attention.
After going to the bathroom and gaining composure I went to get my things and clock out for the day. Heather had asked if I was okay in the process, but I couldn't look her in the eye because her concern gave me an even stronger urge to cry. I left quickly before the water works started again and pretty much cried all the way home. When I got home I crawled into my bed and cried myself to sleep and ended up waking up 3 & 1/2 hours later. It was about 8:30pm. I'm still not sure if it made me feel better or not.
I spoke with Sarah about everything after waking up and cried the whole time telling her about it. It felt that I'd been crying because of the very thing that urked me for years of my life; my step-father. He made me feel shameful and shot my pride down quite often..... and those feelings come up when certain people take pleasure in making me feel that way. There is a guy at work that seems to take pleasure in it, and I dislike him for it. I get so upset that I can't even look at or speak to him, much like in the way with my step father. That is how I felt today, even though it may not have been that the Pharmacist did it on purpose. It still hurt..... and all I could do was walk away with my tail between my legs.
I don't need this shit. I'm enraged thinking back on it...... I'm just so angry, sad, and hurt about so many things. My body feels like stone...... and I'm exhausted.......