Recovering
Down time in life, I guess everyone have some. Mine has been pretty long, last post was two years ago already. And tonight, I'm re-reading some stuffs I wrote here, since 2006, some 7 years ago. I'm actually surprised at how cheerful I was back then, a happy-go-lucky-somewhat kind of fangirl. The younger the better perhaps *laughs*?
I forgot what I was thinking or feeling at those moments, the most exciting were about my BL purchases and projects. When my passion dimmed out, maybe part of me has died, the happy youthfulness. I've been wandering searching for a new interest, in which I could throw myself. Found a shelter, but just temporary as it was. And it, too, could not embrace me forever. 2 years later and I'm back here again.
I've created another blog when I moved to a new place, different than LJ, more private and discreet, I told one friend that will be my sacred memento, which keep myself from shattering too much by the force of time. When I opened LJ for the first time after 2 years I did have a feeling like this. I'm always afraid of being left behind, with silent insecurity without anyone beside. Here I'm grateful to see some same old people still there, as passionate as they were. It comforts me like a big mug of warm eggnog and a chair by a cozy fireplace in wintry night, a feeling I did not have when I returned to my home after 4 years.
So, I've started adjusting in this world again. In the end I'm better stay with older folk, they provide the stability that I need. Sounds so rough isn't it. But I've lost many friends and trust because of the whimsical youngness. I'm tired and afraid of it already. Guess that I'm growing more and more older.
There's a lot more waiting for me ahead, funny that I have to adapt to my previous life at my hometown, and there's only a friend or two that I can actually meet or talk to. But it's OK, I think I'm recovering. Many things I want to write but this is the only forms into words. Be like this. For now.
I forgot what I was thinking or feeling at those moments, the most exciting were about my BL purchases and projects. When my passion dimmed out, maybe part of me has died, the happy youthfulness. I've been wandering searching for a new interest, in which I could throw myself. Found a shelter, but just temporary as it was. And it, too, could not embrace me forever. 2 years later and I'm back here again.
I've created another blog when I moved to a new place, different than LJ, more private and discreet, I told one friend that will be my sacred memento, which keep myself from shattering too much by the force of time. When I opened LJ for the first time after 2 years I did have a feeling like this. I'm always afraid of being left behind, with silent insecurity without anyone beside. Here I'm grateful to see some same old people still there, as passionate as they were. It comforts me like a big mug of warm eggnog and a chair by a cozy fireplace in wintry night, a feeling I did not have when I returned to my home after 4 years.
So, I've started adjusting in this world again. In the end I'm better stay with older folk, they provide the stability that I need. Sounds so rough isn't it. But I've lost many friends and trust because of the whimsical youngness. I'm tired and afraid of it already. Guess that I'm growing more and more older.
There's a lot more waiting for me ahead, funny that I have to adapt to my previous life at my hometown, and there's only a friend or two that I can actually meet or talk to. But it's OK, I think I'm recovering. Many things I want to write but this is the only forms into words. Be like this. For now.