In which I attempt to update
Apparently I only feel like updating when I am procrastinating on going to bed early? (I have to be up at like 4:50 AM to get on the road to Karen's high school graduation in Troy, NY in time. I also started poking around www.spacefem.com again, which made me want to try and give an account of what I've been up to. I didn't post or anything exciting like that, just updated some account information and browsed through the top layers of CM. Everyone's all grown-up, but I remember most of the screennames!)
I realize that I haven't had a real update since the night before my oral exam on my senior essay/thesis-thing. Sorry about that. It's just that writing real entries was really daunting when I was busy with school/life-planning, and Facebook was there for all my stupid random thoughts and daily updates. So! Here is what has been happening, starting after April 20th:
My Oral: I spent all of the next day freaking the hell out about my oral. I stopped being nauseously nervous about twenty minutes before I left to get dressed in my cap and gown, so about half an hour before showtime. I guess my mind knew it was too late to possibly do anything at that point, and allowed my body to relax. The actual oral was, to my faint surprise, really damn hard. I had an inkling of how tough it was going to be, but I was still somehow not mentally prepared to have my entire underlying premise and credentials attacked straight out of the gate in Mr. Sinnett's five-minute monologue. I think he told me that I didn't [know enough math to] understand the Schrodinger equation within the first ten minutes. So... yeah.
I mean, I guess he's right, and my confidence in large swathes of my paper (the philosophical and interpretation parts) is pretty shaken. But the value of the work that I put into it, the intrinsic validity of what I was trying to do, and the (very) general bent of my conclusions are things that I don't (and hopefully didn't) repudiate. And I didn't cry at any point in the oral, though I was really close to doing so after the oral was over and everyone came pouring out of the King William Room to greet me. The fact that they took my essay so seriously, and that they didn't pull important punches in discussion, does me credit. But damn, it was not fun.
It's sort of a bummer that I filled out my 2Seeds application way before this oral, because this whole experience would have been a great answer for "Describe a time you have failed, or gotten yourself in serious trouble. What was your rationale for taking the risk that you did, and how did you handle the consequences?" I'd categorize the oral exam as failure, or at least serious trouble- in the sense that my senior essay was my project, led by my vision and built around my understanding (or lack thereof) and I was wrong on a lot of things. I also don't think I stood my ground very well, because I had to admit that I didn't know the material as well as the three other people grilling me did, or perhaps even as well as I should have to have been writing the essay in the first place. I was willing to be corrected and to try to rethink things on the spot, but it was pretty embarrassing that I had to do so much of that.
On the other hand, I'd do it again, because while I knew writing on quantum mechanics was a risk, it was the kind of risk that I'd been gearing myself up for ever since I started thinking about St. John's and what kind of student and person I wanted to be. I got the chance to spend a lot of time learning about something I found interesting but not easy, bounce crazy ideas off of a great teacher, and prove to myself that I can understand science and philosophy, or at least that I'm not afraid to try. I was risking having a terrible oral by writing on something intrinsically and personally challenging, but those things were what made it appealing. And I didn't cry during the oral, which is all the consequence-handling I feel qualified to talk about. Anything else admirable I may have done in the oral I'll leave up to other people to decide, but not crying while my essay was crumbling around my ears is something of which I will always be proud.
Graduation: I won a prize! It was the Charles Vernon Moran Prize for best work of visual art (done by a senior in the St. John's Community art show). I won it for Koi, the alabaster sculpture I'd been working on since junior year. I'm very proud of that sculpture and so excited to be honored at graduation! I was awarded $100 in prize money, which I put in my fund for Tanzania.
...also I graduated, that too. The week leading up to graduation was full of senior get-togethers, hanging out with tutors, drinking, drinking with tutors, and senior get-togethers with tutors that also involved drinking. I went out to Harry Browne's three or four times, which was frankly ridiculous; I'd been in there three or four times in my whole life and then all of a sudden I was there half the week!
I really enjoyed the unofficial senior breakfast, but enjoyed the official senior dinner a little less than I'd expected, mostly because of initial seating drama (most of my closest friends are spread out between different social circles. Also, half of them are rising seniors, but that's neither here nor there.) Also, I'd been looking forward to senior dinner for four years, so it's understandable that it should suffer a bit in reality, compared to what I'd imagined. Also, I cannot shake the feeling that I am just not cool enough to hang out with Mr. Verdi. T_T
I know I should probably have a big long spiel about St. John's and what I've learned after four years, etc, but frankly I've been doing that all year and I'm pretty sure I've said most of it on here already. Long story short: I came to St. John's to become more confident in approaching academic subjects I'd never 'gotten' before, to take charge of my own education and feel truly responsible for getting as much as I could out of class and other situations, and to make friends with people worth knowing. Check, check, check. Along the way I've had some great and not-so-great-but-educational work and relationship experiences, figured out a bit more of what I want to do with my life, and read a lot of Great (and great, and good, and decent, and terrible) books. Also I fell madly in love with Leibniz, led some clubs, got better at singing, wrote an article for the Gadfly, got good at dancing, won a prize for my art, finally got a haircut I like, got my ears pierced, and kept in touch with my high school friends.
I feel like I had a really fulfilling senior year, due to lab & Mr. Verdi, my job(s), and the fact that I'd finally settled into my preferred extracurriculars and life at St. John's in general. I felt so involved and accomplished senior year, though I think junior year was my favorite. Junior year was definitely my best year, too, since I was really invested in the majority of my classes the majority of the time, and socially it was so much better than sophomore year. Sophomore year was definitely the worst overall, although my sophomore year math class was probably the best math class of all four years, and certainly my best math class.
Freshman year is unclassifiable. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was mediocre other times. Since it affected all of the other years, I really don't feel capable of judging it like the others. Let's see... I loved the energy of my freshman seminar. Hated my freshman language class. Mostly, I think of freshman year as determining my social life, for better or for worse. Knowing then what I know now, I might have made slightly different choices, or handled things slightly differently. But that's four-years-of-hindsight!me, and I understand that she wasn't around when freshman!me was making her decisions, so I don't really blame freshman!me for doing anything she did. Well, except for the things she knew were dumb at the time, but things I do against my better judgment are the kind of things that freshman!me is perfectly justified in berating graduate!me for, too, so... yeah. I should stop before this gets out of hand, shouldn't I?
I'll post this and then get to Beaches and The Future later today. I didn't mean to stay up so late... guess I'll get half my sleep in the car.
I realize that I haven't had a real update since the night before my oral exam on my senior essay/thesis-thing. Sorry about that. It's just that writing real entries was really daunting when I was busy with school/life-planning, and Facebook was there for all my stupid random thoughts and daily updates. So! Here is what has been happening, starting after April 20th:
My Oral: I spent all of the next day freaking the hell out about my oral. I stopped being nauseously nervous about twenty minutes before I left to get dressed in my cap and gown, so about half an hour before showtime. I guess my mind knew it was too late to possibly do anything at that point, and allowed my body to relax. The actual oral was, to my faint surprise, really damn hard. I had an inkling of how tough it was going to be, but I was still somehow not mentally prepared to have my entire underlying premise and credentials attacked straight out of the gate in Mr. Sinnett's five-minute monologue. I think he told me that I didn't [know enough math to] understand the Schrodinger equation within the first ten minutes. So... yeah.
I mean, I guess he's right, and my confidence in large swathes of my paper (the philosophical and interpretation parts) is pretty shaken. But the value of the work that I put into it, the intrinsic validity of what I was trying to do, and the (very) general bent of my conclusions are things that I don't (and hopefully didn't) repudiate. And I didn't cry at any point in the oral, though I was really close to doing so after the oral was over and everyone came pouring out of the King William Room to greet me. The fact that they took my essay so seriously, and that they didn't pull important punches in discussion, does me credit. But damn, it was not fun.
It's sort of a bummer that I filled out my 2Seeds application way before this oral, because this whole experience would have been a great answer for "Describe a time you have failed, or gotten yourself in serious trouble. What was your rationale for taking the risk that you did, and how did you handle the consequences?" I'd categorize the oral exam as failure, or at least serious trouble- in the sense that my senior essay was my project, led by my vision and built around my understanding (or lack thereof) and I was wrong on a lot of things. I also don't think I stood my ground very well, because I had to admit that I didn't know the material as well as the three other people grilling me did, or perhaps even as well as I should have to have been writing the essay in the first place. I was willing to be corrected and to try to rethink things on the spot, but it was pretty embarrassing that I had to do so much of that.
On the other hand, I'd do it again, because while I knew writing on quantum mechanics was a risk, it was the kind of risk that I'd been gearing myself up for ever since I started thinking about St. John's and what kind of student and person I wanted to be. I got the chance to spend a lot of time learning about something I found interesting but not easy, bounce crazy ideas off of a great teacher, and prove to myself that I can understand science and philosophy, or at least that I'm not afraid to try. I was risking having a terrible oral by writing on something intrinsically and personally challenging, but those things were what made it appealing. And I didn't cry during the oral, which is all the consequence-handling I feel qualified to talk about. Anything else admirable I may have done in the oral I'll leave up to other people to decide, but not crying while my essay was crumbling around my ears is something of which I will always be proud.
Graduation: I won a prize! It was the Charles Vernon Moran Prize for best work of visual art (done by a senior in the St. John's Community art show). I won it for Koi, the alabaster sculpture I'd been working on since junior year. I'm very proud of that sculpture and so excited to be honored at graduation! I was awarded $100 in prize money, which I put in my fund for Tanzania.
...also I graduated, that too. The week leading up to graduation was full of senior get-togethers, hanging out with tutors, drinking, drinking with tutors, and senior get-togethers with tutors that also involved drinking. I went out to Harry Browne's three or four times, which was frankly ridiculous; I'd been in there three or four times in my whole life and then all of a sudden I was there half the week!
I really enjoyed the unofficial senior breakfast, but enjoyed the official senior dinner a little less than I'd expected, mostly because of initial seating drama (most of my closest friends are spread out between different social circles. Also, half of them are rising seniors, but that's neither here nor there.) Also, I'd been looking forward to senior dinner for four years, so it's understandable that it should suffer a bit in reality, compared to what I'd imagined. Also, I cannot shake the feeling that I am just not cool enough to hang out with Mr. Verdi. T_T
I know I should probably have a big long spiel about St. John's and what I've learned after four years, etc, but frankly I've been doing that all year and I'm pretty sure I've said most of it on here already. Long story short: I came to St. John's to become more confident in approaching academic subjects I'd never 'gotten' before, to take charge of my own education and feel truly responsible for getting as much as I could out of class and other situations, and to make friends with people worth knowing. Check, check, check. Along the way I've had some great and not-so-great-but-educational work and relationship experiences, figured out a bit more of what I want to do with my life, and read a lot of Great (and great, and good, and decent, and terrible) books. Also I fell madly in love with Leibniz, led some clubs, got better at singing, wrote an article for the Gadfly, got good at dancing, won a prize for my art, finally got a haircut I like, got my ears pierced, and kept in touch with my high school friends.
I feel like I had a really fulfilling senior year, due to lab & Mr. Verdi, my job(s), and the fact that I'd finally settled into my preferred extracurriculars and life at St. John's in general. I felt so involved and accomplished senior year, though I think junior year was my favorite. Junior year was definitely my best year, too, since I was really invested in the majority of my classes the majority of the time, and socially it was so much better than sophomore year. Sophomore year was definitely the worst overall, although my sophomore year math class was probably the best math class of all four years, and certainly my best math class.
Freshman year is unclassifiable. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was mediocre other times. Since it affected all of the other years, I really don't feel capable of judging it like the others. Let's see... I loved the energy of my freshman seminar. Hated my freshman language class. Mostly, I think of freshman year as determining my social life, for better or for worse. Knowing then what I know now, I might have made slightly different choices, or handled things slightly differently. But that's four-years-of-hindsight!me, and I understand that she wasn't around when freshman!me was making her decisions, so I don't really blame freshman!me for doing anything she did. Well, except for the things she knew were dumb at the time, but things I do against my better judgment are the kind of things that freshman!me is perfectly justified in berating graduate!me for, too, so... yeah. I should stop before this gets out of hand, shouldn't I?
I'll post this and then get to Beaches and The Future later today. I didn't mean to stay up so late... guess I'll get half my sleep in the car.