SPACE: 1999
We found this book (presumably a cheap transcription of two episodes of a science-fiction show)at a Girl Scout camp and as such, cannot scan the fantastic seventies artwork. To give you an idea, the first illustration depicts a hot pink miniskirt and go-go boots of the same shade. The second picture's dream sequence with its "hissing curse" is indescribably hilarious. Picture a monk with a purple combed-back mohawk, surrounded by floating green, yellow, and orange dots, along with mysterious grey wafting things.
But I cannot possibly do the pictures justice, so on to the spectactularly bad dialogue. It should give you a decent enough idea of the characters and plot, but for reference:
Dr. Helena Russell: One of two members of the crew with brains. She seems to be the killjoy of the group, but I love her anyway.
Commander John Koenig: The leader of the crew and the other one with brains.
Maya: Alien with MAGIC POWERS OMG.
Tony: Crew member in love with Maya.
Flynn: Crew member.
Turk: Crew member.
THE RETURN OF THE METAMORPH
'Psychon exploded and all the inhabitants were killed. Except me. Perhaps I survived because I was the alien on their planet. By some unimaginable quirk of fate I was saved.' - Dan Mann
'Maya, are you all right?'
'I don't know, Helena. I feel very strange. What is a headache? I know it's impossible... we metamorphs do not know the ailments of earthlings.'
"That night Maya dreamed. She had never dreamed before. The ghost of her evil father, Mentor, killed in Psychon's disaster, floated above her, surrounding her with his hissing curse.
'...We had a glorious future together. All the universes and all the galaxies could have been ours. Ours alone. But you killed that dream. And now you will suffer by becoming human like the flawed creatures you chose above your own perfect race.'"
'Oh, my aching head!' Alan Carter held the object of his concern between his hands. "I'd forgotten all about the day after...'
'Remember those cure-alls back on earth... what did they call them? Ah yes,' said Koenig, 'aspirin. I can see them now, almost popping out of those primitive boxes--television. Great Galaxies! To remember all of that...'
'...I wish I had some of those white pellets now.' Alan Carter's face was greenish-white.
'...Ah, that's advertising,' chuckled Koenig. 'Thank the stars it's a thing of the past!'
'...too many high spirits make crash landing.' Koenig smiled, pleased at his wit. (This is actually pretty funny, as they were drinking on their moon base last night.)
"Helena grasped the limp wrist.
'What are you doing, Helena? You know she doesn't have a pulse.'"
"Meanwhile, standing guard outside of Maya's quarters, Tony Verdeschi thought of the beautiful alien who had become so important to him. Never before had she been like this. She seemed almost... human."
"As Maya stared into the mirror, she heard a voice that was inaudible to Tony. Its laughter mocked her.
'I will not let you invade me!' she screamed.
The hissing voice told her it was too late. 'You see, my dear, you no longer have the magic of molecular transformation. It is taken from those who abuse it. ...Do you dare to tell that to those Alphans you call your friends? HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!'"
"If [Maya] no longer possessed the power to transform, she would do away with herself as earthlings did. If she were condemned to live as a human, she could die as one also.
Concentrating on nothingness, she willed herself into nonbeing."
'Things were getting out of hand. I had to quiet both Maya and Tony so we could get to the bottom of this without further delay. I think Maya was contemplating suicide because of the loss of her metamorphic powers... and Tony was being impossible.' - Helena
'I agree. Dan Mann is involved in this, but how? Is he a puppet or the master manipulator? Or has he been somehow transformed... grotesquely transformed... by his odyssey through space? That can change a man.' -Koenig
'Most electrical storms have a pattern. This is random, almost as if it's being manipulated by some great intergalactic puppetmaster.' -Alan
'John, you must stop her before it's too late!' Tony interrupted. 'This is not the Helena we know and love. She's been taken over by the spirit of MENTOR. She's the cause of all these extraordinary incidents... including the electrical storm that may yet undo us...'
"Like chess pieces, they circled each other in the center of Mission Control. Alan Carter stood rigid next to the communications computer. John Koenig braced himself against the wall screen. Dan Mann was only inches away from master control's vital switches." (Oh, the drama!)
'You deprived me of my powers of molecular transformation and then tried to drive me to suicide with self-doubts and guilt about my part in Psychon's explosion. But it didn't work, Helena...'
'Maya... only you can conquer him now!'
"Human strength alone could never conquer the spirit of Mentor."
'AIEEEE!' Mann slowly dropped to the floor, a stare of disbelief on the shriveling face. Regaining her human form, all that was left at Maya's feet was a neat pile of papery flesh. All that remained of Dan Mann.
'But Mentor..." Alan Carter was the first to speak.
'The spirit of Mentor will never return,' said Maya quietly. 'I have won, my powers have returned to me. It is what your earthling ancients would have called a Pyrrhic victory, a victory without joy, in name only.'
"Maya had left her past, her future, her civilization to join these castaways of outer space in their quest for a new world. No one would ever know the full cost of such a choice, the secret burden she would always have to carry.
THE END"
QUEEN BRAIN
'Whoa, Helena! We can't afford to become emotional about this. We need all the self-control and ingenuity we can muster.' -Koenig
'What happened?' Maya and Helena rushed to the control boards.
'I don't know! It's as if somebody suddenly switched off the cosmic power supply!'
"'Grass...and water!' Turk bouonded out of the craft in one leap.
'There's life... and oxygen... AIR! We've done it, Turk...we've found a planet we can colonize!'
Turk tore off his helmet and tossed it into the wind. Both men watched it fall slowly, soundlessly, as in a slow motion-film."
'I am Xam, consort to Queen Calliope of Planet Bliss. Welcome to our home.'
'We're on Planet Bliss. And this,' he gestured to the alien, 'is Xam, consort to the planet's Queen. Our radio was wiped out...couldn't span the distance... but Xam has us connected by mind-power...'
'Astonishing!' breathed Helena.
"Look how sharp the picture is!' whispered Maya. 'And the sound!'
('It's even better than DSL!' added Pelly.)
"'Forget about the rations! Forget about this forsaken waystation we call home. We have just discovered a new planet... one with AIR and WATER... where we'll never have to worry about rationing again!'
'You fool!' hissed Helena.
'It's called Bliss. Where every man is a king... and anyone can live on brainpower alone! Just watch this!' Turk concentrated.
The lights dimmed, then brightened.
'Did you do that, Turk?' asked the engineer.
'Amazing!' The audience buzzed to attention.
'Now watch this!'
The Alphans watched as the computer lights flashed in sequence, then together, lighting up the enormous room in a blinding explosion of reds, blues, greens, and yellows.
'Stop that, Turk! Whatever you're doing! You'll ruin the machines!!' (And we don't need disco in the future!)
'Then I'll fix them, Commander,' said Turk. 'I can do that, you know. I let Xam boost my brainpower so I could show you a sample of what the average citizen of Bliss is capable of. And we can do it too... if we agree to live on their planet.'
'Flynn! You let Xam tamper with your brain? You deliberately disobeyed--'
'Well now, Commander, it's my brain, isn't it?'
'Blast Turk anyway! We've been forced into a trip to Bliss because of what happened this noon. I don't like the way he's acting. For a man whose brainpower has been boosted, he's behaving as if someone else is manipulating him.'
'I was a rock climber...pretty good, too,' harumphed Turk.
"Do Blissians have much personal contact with their Queen?' John asked. (*wink wink, nudge nudge*)
'The substance the building is made of is vegetable, which we cultivate. It grows in large slabs and you see it in a natural, unprocessed state. We call it "Kosak".'
'Is there much of it?' Alan asked.
'It's quite abundant. You will be able to shelter all your Alphans inside walls of Kosak.'
"John managed a stoic calm as he looked Flynn square in the eye. 'Man does not live by bread alone.' He paused to let that sink in."
'Our power workers,' explained Xam, 'operate this machinery by means of their highly developed extrasensory perception.'
'All I can see are hands, arms, legs, and trunks. Do they have heads?'
'Of course they do, my dear Dr. Russell. Ha, ha. A pleasant joke. It is just that because they are primarily employed in brainwork, they must put on their thinking caps.' -Xam
'Remember, Xam,' came the royal voice, 'time is running out. We do not have the luxury of catering to the whims of these Alphans. Did you say one of them was ready for use?'
'They seem to want us to feel free even when they're carefully controlling our movements,' said Maya.
"My thoughts exactly,' commented Koenig.
"I don't know what all the fuss is about,' said Turk. 'For you there's a plot behind every tree, isn't there, Commander.'
'It has something to do with that Queen, I just know it,' said Koenig. 'Why do the power plant and her residence give off that same kind of glow that lights up the sky?'
'It's unnatural!' Maya gazed into the void.
'I'm curious about your hospital. Why was it built without windows?'
'My dear Commander, I really don't think you want to get into a discussion about the relative merits of Blissian and Earth architecture.' -Xam
'Excuses? No, I have doubts, nagging, troublesome, gut-twisting doubts.' -Koenig
Xam signaled to two of the agricultural workers. 'Take him away. You know where.'
'But Yin... how can we use Alphan Koenig if he is not a willing subject like Alphan Flynn?'
'His brain power hasn't been increased, Sim, but he will serve nicely after being neutralized. He'll be able to carry out minor demands.'
'It seems a shame not to be able to get the maximum out of his mind,' said Sim.
'And now,' continued the angry voice. 'You will neutralize the best brain of all--the leader--the one man who can command hundreds of brains into our hands.'
'But my Queen, his command could also deny us those brains.'
(They sound like zombies.)
'You are an Alphan, Turk, not a Blissian! We must escape together. Can you stand?'
'Weak... must get strong to keep planet from darkness and destruction...' -Turk
"He saw a look of intense concentration on Xam's face. Mind power. It was too strong for John. He collapsed, limp, into the arms of Sim and Yin."
'Nevertheless, it will be done. If it fails, I will make whatever use I can of your minds, few as you are. Your brains will provide the power to sustain my life and the existence of this planet.' -Queen Calliope
(Calliope inexplicably changes her mind and lets the Alphans go, sending some vegetable matter with them to replenish their hydroponics tanks. This unexpected kindness is not a deux ex machina on the part of the writers- shapeshifting Maya took on the queen's form and gave the orders after the queen's power supply failed and she disappeared.)
"[John] held up a green root. 'This is our passport to the future.'
THE END"