Oh look a TV show!
Ok so I’m sure a lot of you saw the fabulous meme going around lj a little while ago in which you were to be prompted with awesome actors and you could make up your own tv show! This led to some truly fabulous concepts, notably by leupagus and others, including my good frond and evil-enabler tanndell (who btw came up with a FABULOUS Flygirl AU so y’all should check that out right here). She in turn prompted me with the absolutely lethal combination of pretty and talented people namely - Scotty Caan, Gina Torres, Martin Freeman, Maggie Q, Joe Flanigan, Matt Bomer and Beth Riesgraf!!! Now before you all click the cut below expecting something that makes sense, be warned that THIS IS COMPLETE CRACK! Like I was going for something that had a semblance to plot and belivablity but then Beth put this up on her tumblr and well...
LOOK IT’S NOT MY FAULT THAT MY MUSE IS COMPLETELY AND FABULOUSLY CRAY OK!
DON'T THINK I DON'T SEE THOSE FACES!
So you know that genre of literature called fantasy, you know hobbits and wizards and vampires and so on? Well, there’s something they’re not telling you…ITS ALL TRUE! Yes, yes I can see the eye-roll and the #potterallreadydidthat tags forming in your snarky little brains but I’m not talking about your usual oh-hey-look-shiny-portal business. This is a tad more complex than that! This covers every fairy-and-monster tale ever told, in every language ever spoken! Every permutation and combination of witches and monsters and snow queens and dwarves that ever lulled you to sleep or woke you in a cold sweat. They’re all true! Yeah right, I hear you sniff, how does that affect us anyway is the question I can hear you thinking. Well ponder this a moment, consider the weight of all the tales ever told, about magical, nonsensical, downright dangerous realms, and think about what would happen if the walls between your cozy reality and ALL of those didn’t exist…. Yeah not very comforting is it? Well I tried to tell you it was different didn’t I? So what keeps you from descending into that primeval chaos? Well strangely enough, it’s that invaluable asset to all civil societies…a good editor!
JUST GO WITH IT OK
See way back before humankind decided they was going to stop believing in things that didn’t fit into their neat boxes, this problem of sealing up worlds so they didn’t create chaos didn’t exist. Dreamwalkers and shamans and sages knew how to regulate the flow of magic through their collective imaginations so it didn’t overwhelm their realities. Hell even mundanes knew that talking to Gods wasn’t something you could entirely rule out happening to you. So Aphrodite and her cohorts could pop in and out of Greek and Roman legend quite frequently and Kunti could call down Surya (the God of the Sun in Indian mythology) and ask for a son without having her head explode with the impossibility of it all. Now however, it’s all very different. We get very upset whenever something unexplainable happens and with our penchant of blowing things up at the least provocation, it was decided that SOMETHING must be done.
Sealing up the magic ways was considered but unfortunately the fundamental truth remained that all a human has to do to pierce the veil is to imagine a way of doing it and the form that world might take, and the forces shift to take that shape. Yeah..see how that could be a problem! They managed to whittle it down to the technicality that it must be a complete, written document that has been published by a Magic Proofing Accredited Agency (gives THAT acronym a whole new meaning don’t it!) Before they had managed that there had been a very unfortunate incident where some idiots had bought a board game and then unleashed elephants or something into their sleepy town because the developer had had a VERY active imagination and well…the less said about that clusterfuck the better!
But what in the seven hells does an MPAA actually do, I hear you chorus! Ah well gather round because this where it gets really interesting! An MPAA quite simply does what any publishing house does, gets a story ready for the public. Instead of however merely dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s (though they do that too and Margaret would like to have WORDS with today’s grammar teachers) they are also responsible for that vital and all important task - magic-proofing! To cut a long story short (hah cwidt!) they ensure that if a mundane manages to find the portal within the tale (and there always is one, though they try to hide it) they will survive the journey! Each succession of scenarios that the narrative entails then, is tested by the best Executors available, each guided by their Editors (they used to be called something suitably arcane but then that just led to confusion and claims of plaigirism…seriously authors are a whiny bunch). If the Executor (sometimes teams are required if the author is feeling particularly clever) can survive, then the book is published. There see not so complicated was it?
Without further ado then, I would like to introduce to you to the MPAA in charge of Northern America - EverFear Publications! Their offices are located in that cesspool of commerce, New York, atop a suitably shabby looking commercial block in The Bronx. They don’t usually publish the books under their own name, passing on the finished manuscripts to publishing houses who actually like throwing press conferences. So who is the team?
Margaret Linton
Meet Margaret Linton aka Marge the Magnificent , aka Queen of all the Fairies (see picture above!). About a hundred years ago she decided that she’d had enough of cavorting in forests (and really most of her fae-followers had already decided that playing havoc with mortal lives was WAY more fun in the city) so she dusted off her tiara and decided that it was time to actually use her PhD in the Meta-Ethics of Enchantment in the only fashion it could be, and became editor-in-chief of EverFear. Her task is to recruit and control the most powerful Editors and Executors in the land and ensure that they don’t end up killing each other in the pursuit of artistic perfection! Now if she can only stop falling into the thrall of her personal Executor, the beautiful and deadly Arianthe! Really all the sex on the desk is causing havoc in her manuscripts and a dragon getting loose is never something to joke about!
Arianthe
This is Arianthe who as mentioned earlier, is beautiful and deadly! She is also a direct descendant of Morgan Le Fay and as such is an extremely powerful Mage. What most people don’t know however is that she’s also a secret math-nerd, but has been barred from University because she almost made Einstein give up his career in hopeless jealousy last time she enrolled. Robbed of that outlet, she is now the best Executor, Ever Fear has to offer and delights in upsetting the best laid schedules of Margaret who she really, rather adores but wishes would loosen up a bit! Really, it was only a little baby dragon, honestly talk about overreaction!
Bartimaeus Clint
Bartimaeus Clint seems a rather too quiet and unassuming man to be the second-in-command at EverFear but it is down to his knack of sniffing out the most dangerous of the manuscripts that are submitted to them. Any insinuation that this is due to his being a werewolf however is not going to be met with humour. He is also (and this much more surprisingly to many) happily married to his Executor, Alex'a, which allows some respite from the unrelenting UST that pervades the rest of the office!
Alex'a Quân
Alex'a Quân is the rarest of the rare of the fae, a shapeshifter. Born to a tempestuous, diplomatic-incident-inducing and ultimately short-lived affair between Lạc Long Quân, Lord of the Vietnamese Dragon Clan and Muirenn, High Princess of the Irish Merrows (mermaid clans), Alex'a has always had to fight to come to terms with hir dual heritage and indeed hir dual self. As can be guessed zie went through a pretty tumultuous adolescence and indeed adulthood and has only now, managed to make some kind of peace with hirself. Hir marriage to Bartimaeus has also been a factor in this development as he grounds hir and as he points out, at least zie shifts within the same species!
Also he makes hir laugh
Sylvester Puck
Sylvester Puck is known for two things - his hair-trigger temper and his stint as an underwear model when he was young and stupid (and yes there does seem to be a correlation between the two!). As a fire mage, this has not been conducive to him holding down a job since then, as inevitably he burns down buildings when gently ribbed by colleagues about his former profession. He insists that the only reason he took the job when Margaret offered it, was because she indicated that lethal force against Executors was not only allowed but encouraged! He has a remarkably fraught relationship with his Executor, Phillipe DuMore, whose issues it must be admitted, are manifold and varied!
Phillipe DuMore
Ah Phillipe DuMore, youngest son of Francois and Madeleine DuMore, current big-kahunas of the Vampires of Western Europe. Phillipe was trained throughout his life to strike fear into mortal and fae alike, but to be perfectly honest his heart was never in it. He considers himself the more artistic type and escaped to America in order to avoid his mother's disappointed gaze. There he realized that being disinherited European royalty doesn't actually pay the bills and settled on being an Executor as the job utilized his talents without him actually having to kill anyone. However, he also has a sekrit purpose in cozying up to the most powerful publishing house in the region. Indeed what better way of finally realising his dream of being that wonderful thing...a fantasy-romance writer! Currently these dreams have been stalled due to the entirely unhelpful attitude of his Editor, Sylvester. Really there is no need to be quite so hurtful about the genre!
QUOTES
Margaret: Isn't it hard to know who you're with though?
Bartimaues: I'm with Alex'a. I'm unsure about a lot of things Marge, but never about that. Besides I'm not the one in danger of getting eaten every month.
Arianthe: So I got you something!
Margaret: I'm ignoring you.
Arianthe: Oh come on, it'll only take a minute!
Margaret: WHY IS THERE A DRAGON IN MY OFFICE!
Arianthe: Well you seemed to be so upset when we lost one the other day?
Margaret: OH MY GOD ARIANTHE ITS GOING TO KILL US ALL! SYLVESTER GET YOUR ASS IN HERE NOW!
Arianthe: STOP SHOUTING YOU'RE GOING TO UPSET IT! SEE WHAT YOU DID OH MY GOD I'M NEVER GETTING YOU ANYTHING NICE ANYMORE.
Phillipe: Err..I need to talk to you about something.
Sylvester: No I am not going to entertain any more of your "friends'" requests. The last time I let that happen, that Stephanie Meyer woman slipped by on a technicality. I cannot believe you actually WANTED to execute that trash.
Phillipe (looking offended): It wasn't that bad.
Sylvester: No it wasn't bad..IT WAS TERRIBLE! IT WAS THE WORST KIND OF ROMANTICISED BS ABOUT VAMPIRES EVER CONCEIVED...IF I DIDN'T KNOW BETTER I'D SAY IT WAS YOU WRITING IT
Phillipe: Err...maybe I'll come back later
Sylvester: OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD!! IT WAS YOU WASN'T IT! OH MY GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!
Phillipe: We get such bad press
Sylvester: I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU SOME PRESS RIGHT NOW PRETTY BOY...AND THEN I'M GOING TO SEND THAT TRASH TO YOUR MOTHER!
LOOK IT’S NOT MY FAULT THAT MY MUSE IS COMPLETELY AND FABULOUSLY CRAY OK!
DON'T THINK I DON'T SEE THOSE FACES!
So you know that genre of literature called fantasy, you know hobbits and wizards and vampires and so on? Well, there’s something they’re not telling you…ITS ALL TRUE! Yes, yes I can see the eye-roll and the #potterallreadydidthat tags forming in your snarky little brains but I’m not talking about your usual oh-hey-look-shiny-portal business. This is a tad more complex than that! This covers every fairy-and-monster tale ever told, in every language ever spoken! Every permutation and combination of witches and monsters and snow queens and dwarves that ever lulled you to sleep or woke you in a cold sweat. They’re all true! Yeah right, I hear you sniff, how does that affect us anyway is the question I can hear you thinking. Well ponder this a moment, consider the weight of all the tales ever told, about magical, nonsensical, downright dangerous realms, and think about what would happen if the walls between your cozy reality and ALL of those didn’t exist…. Yeah not very comforting is it? Well I tried to tell you it was different didn’t I? So what keeps you from descending into that primeval chaos? Well strangely enough, it’s that invaluable asset to all civil societies…a good editor!
JUST GO WITH IT OK
See way back before humankind decided they was going to stop believing in things that didn’t fit into their neat boxes, this problem of sealing up worlds so they didn’t create chaos didn’t exist. Dreamwalkers and shamans and sages knew how to regulate the flow of magic through their collective imaginations so it didn’t overwhelm their realities. Hell even mundanes knew that talking to Gods wasn’t something you could entirely rule out happening to you. So Aphrodite and her cohorts could pop in and out of Greek and Roman legend quite frequently and Kunti could call down Surya (the God of the Sun in Indian mythology) and ask for a son without having her head explode with the impossibility of it all. Now however, it’s all very different. We get very upset whenever something unexplainable happens and with our penchant of blowing things up at the least provocation, it was decided that SOMETHING must be done.
Sealing up the magic ways was considered but unfortunately the fundamental truth remained that all a human has to do to pierce the veil is to imagine a way of doing it and the form that world might take, and the forces shift to take that shape. Yeah..see how that could be a problem! They managed to whittle it down to the technicality that it must be a complete, written document that has been published by a Magic Proofing Accredited Agency (gives THAT acronym a whole new meaning don’t it!) Before they had managed that there had been a very unfortunate incident where some idiots had bought a board game and then unleashed elephants or something into their sleepy town because the developer had had a VERY active imagination and well…the less said about that clusterfuck the better!
But what in the seven hells does an MPAA actually do, I hear you chorus! Ah well gather round because this where it gets really interesting! An MPAA quite simply does what any publishing house does, gets a story ready for the public. Instead of however merely dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s (though they do that too and Margaret would like to have WORDS with today’s grammar teachers) they are also responsible for that vital and all important task - magic-proofing! To cut a long story short (hah cwidt!) they ensure that if a mundane manages to find the portal within the tale (and there always is one, though they try to hide it) they will survive the journey! Each succession of scenarios that the narrative entails then, is tested by the best Executors available, each guided by their Editors (they used to be called something suitably arcane but then that just led to confusion and claims of plaigirism…seriously authors are a whiny bunch). If the Executor (sometimes teams are required if the author is feeling particularly clever) can survive, then the book is published. There see not so complicated was it?
Without further ado then, I would like to introduce to you to the MPAA in charge of Northern America - EverFear Publications! Their offices are located in that cesspool of commerce, New York, atop a suitably shabby looking commercial block in The Bronx. They don’t usually publish the books under their own name, passing on the finished manuscripts to publishing houses who actually like throwing press conferences. So who is the team?
Margaret Linton
Meet Margaret Linton aka Marge the Magnificent , aka Queen of all the Fairies (see picture above!). About a hundred years ago she decided that she’d had enough of cavorting in forests (and really most of her fae-followers had already decided that playing havoc with mortal lives was WAY more fun in the city) so she dusted off her tiara and decided that it was time to actually use her PhD in the Meta-Ethics of Enchantment in the only fashion it could be, and became editor-in-chief of EverFear. Her task is to recruit and control the most powerful Editors and Executors in the land and ensure that they don’t end up killing each other in the pursuit of artistic perfection! Now if she can only stop falling into the thrall of her personal Executor, the beautiful and deadly Arianthe! Really all the sex on the desk is causing havoc in her manuscripts and a dragon getting loose is never something to joke about!
Arianthe
This is Arianthe who as mentioned earlier, is beautiful and deadly! She is also a direct descendant of Morgan Le Fay and as such is an extremely powerful Mage. What most people don’t know however is that she’s also a secret math-nerd, but has been barred from University because she almost made Einstein give up his career in hopeless jealousy last time she enrolled. Robbed of that outlet, she is now the best Executor, Ever Fear has to offer and delights in upsetting the best laid schedules of Margaret who she really, rather adores but wishes would loosen up a bit! Really, it was only a little baby dragon, honestly talk about overreaction!
Bartimaeus Clint
Bartimaeus Clint seems a rather too quiet and unassuming man to be the second-in-command at EverFear but it is down to his knack of sniffing out the most dangerous of the manuscripts that are submitted to them. Any insinuation that this is due to his being a werewolf however is not going to be met with humour. He is also (and this much more surprisingly to many) happily married to his Executor, Alex'a, which allows some respite from the unrelenting UST that pervades the rest of the office!
Alex'a Quân
Alex'a Quân is the rarest of the rare of the fae, a shapeshifter. Born to a tempestuous, diplomatic-incident-inducing and ultimately short-lived affair between Lạc Long Quân, Lord of the Vietnamese Dragon Clan and Muirenn, High Princess of the Irish Merrows (mermaid clans), Alex'a has always had to fight to come to terms with hir dual heritage and indeed hir dual self. As can be guessed zie went through a pretty tumultuous adolescence and indeed adulthood and has only now, managed to make some kind of peace with hirself. Hir marriage to Bartimaeus has also been a factor in this development as he grounds hir and as he points out, at least zie shifts within the same species!
Also he makes hir laugh
Sylvester Puck
Sylvester Puck is known for two things - his hair-trigger temper and his stint as an underwear model when he was young and stupid (and yes there does seem to be a correlation between the two!). As a fire mage, this has not been conducive to him holding down a job since then, as inevitably he burns down buildings when gently ribbed by colleagues about his former profession. He insists that the only reason he took the job when Margaret offered it, was because she indicated that lethal force against Executors was not only allowed but encouraged! He has a remarkably fraught relationship with his Executor, Phillipe DuMore, whose issues it must be admitted, are manifold and varied!
Phillipe DuMore
Ah Phillipe DuMore, youngest son of Francois and Madeleine DuMore, current big-kahunas of the Vampires of Western Europe. Phillipe was trained throughout his life to strike fear into mortal and fae alike, but to be perfectly honest his heart was never in it. He considers himself the more artistic type and escaped to America in order to avoid his mother's disappointed gaze. There he realized that being disinherited European royalty doesn't actually pay the bills and settled on being an Executor as the job utilized his talents without him actually having to kill anyone. However, he also has a sekrit purpose in cozying up to the most powerful publishing house in the region. Indeed what better way of finally realising his dream of being that wonderful thing...a fantasy-romance writer! Currently these dreams have been stalled due to the entirely unhelpful attitude of his Editor, Sylvester. Really there is no need to be quite so hurtful about the genre!
QUOTES
Margaret: Isn't it hard to know who you're with though?
Bartimaues: I'm with Alex'a. I'm unsure about a lot of things Marge, but never about that. Besides I'm not the one in danger of getting eaten every month.
Arianthe: So I got you something!
Margaret: I'm ignoring you.
Arianthe: Oh come on, it'll only take a minute!
Margaret: WHY IS THERE A DRAGON IN MY OFFICE!
Arianthe: Well you seemed to be so upset when we lost one the other day?
Margaret: OH MY GOD ARIANTHE ITS GOING TO KILL US ALL! SYLVESTER GET YOUR ASS IN HERE NOW!
Arianthe: STOP SHOUTING YOU'RE GOING TO UPSET IT! SEE WHAT YOU DID OH MY GOD I'M NEVER GETTING YOU ANYTHING NICE ANYMORE.
Phillipe: Err..I need to talk to you about something.
Sylvester: No I am not going to entertain any more of your "friends'" requests. The last time I let that happen, that Stephanie Meyer woman slipped by on a technicality. I cannot believe you actually WANTED to execute that trash.
Phillipe (looking offended): It wasn't that bad.
Sylvester: No it wasn't bad..IT WAS TERRIBLE! IT WAS THE WORST KIND OF ROMANTICISED BS ABOUT VAMPIRES EVER CONCEIVED...IF I DIDN'T KNOW BETTER I'D SAY IT WAS YOU WRITING IT
Phillipe: Err...maybe I'll come back later
Sylvester: OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD!! IT WAS YOU WASN'T IT! OH MY GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!
Phillipe: We get such bad press
Sylvester: I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU SOME PRESS RIGHT NOW PRETTY BOY...AND THEN I'M GOING TO SEND THAT TRASH TO YOUR MOTHER!