Will I ever let you go?
I dunno if you ever get to read this, but my mind is getting really sick with all those thoughts and i need to get rid of them and yet I dont feel like throwing them away completely, so i thought id better put them all in one place like this. If you ever msg me and ask me ‘how r u?’, i will just show you this bc thats the most complete description of how i am, bc u probably wont just want to see that im fine. But i know you are polite and probably you would ask the ‘how r u?’ question just for the sake of it and instead of the mundane ‘fine’ you will get this. Well sorry then. The reason Im writing this and feeling this way is u.
Us.
Today is feb 11, 2016, thursday.
U ended our story on jan 25, 2016, monday.
That makes 2 weeks and 3 days, or 408 hrs. 408 hrs or 24.480 minutes (minus some 6.120 minutes of sleep) of thinking and thinking and thinking about u.
I swear i dont want to think about u.
I swear im fed up with this shit, but im only human and, as if thats not enough, - a weak one, meaning i cant control my thoughts and my feelings. I cant control my heart and never could. And u so calm and self possessed and relaxed broke my heart. U broke it in your calm and relaxed manner, providing me with all those arguments i couldnt oppose to, giving me the ideas about some future we might have had IF but we never will BECAUSE. U broke my heart when u refused me and what we felt, without giving it a try even, being so sure it wont lead us anywhere. But who are u to know that? How can u decide for us both? Why would you make me get head over heels with your eyes and then just say what you said?
U know, that very first week you told me it should be over - I dont remember that week at all... i was breathing yes, i was doing stuff, working, meeting smb, saying smth, posting smth, maybe i was smiling too...but i dont remember that i lived. I simply was there, existing, trying to exist through the days, and everything went surprisingly pointless...
…shit im crying while typing this and cant see the keys properly…
anyway...
…everything went so pointless...no sense in anything i was doing.
I looked at the crisps and thought - wtf, who cares?
i looked at the sweets and thought - wtf, who cares?
i woke up every morning and thought why? If i cant talk to u anymore why do i have to live this day?
Fuck, u have no idea how painful...yes, painful it felt! Physically painful.
There were moments i would refuse to believe u said that.
There were moments i would be thinking that it wasnt u, that u simply couldnt say all that after everything we had talked about and after all we had had and u had told me and done to me. The only thing that kept me going was the obsessive idea that you would msg me, that u would change your mind and msg me saying that u r sorry and cant forget me and probably we should start all over again and give it a try and see how it goes and like just let it take care of itself. Every minute of my existence was fuelled with this hope.
It's still there, this hope.
Thats all i have now. I dont want it to fade away, dont want it to die bc then i will have nothing left. I still believe in you. I still do think that u will msg me. Every morning brings hope - today. Today u will get to me.
I follow your schedule and thus give u excuses for not msging me. He's working. He is probably in the gym. Oh its 9 am, he is still sleeping. Its thursday, he is working. Its 12, he is in the gym. Or sleeping, bc its too early. Every fucking day i tell myself that u r busy. That u made yourself busy as hell to not think of me. I want to think that u feel sad as well. I want to think that it didnt mean 'nothing' to u.
The worst in it all is that u kept saying that u like me. U kept saying it till the last moment u saw me.
Worse even than the worst is that i know it. Knew it. I felt it. I felt u like me. I liked u to the moon and back, couldnt get enough of you, your voice and eyes and smile and laugh. Its easier when the relationship is going downhill and u sort of expect the bad ending, but with us it barely went up the hill. It was still there, about to go up. And here u come, ruining it all. Leaving me standing there with my mouth open and tears in my eyes, looking at your back. I wonder how strong you must be to be able to do that. To end it all.
Damn i never thought it would be so hard with u.
So hard to let u go.
I know i shouldn’t have done that but i saved some pics of yours, i stole them from your dads and brothers fb pages, the pics i never saw. The pics where u r happy and smiling and laughing and those eyes. I still doubt if I should unfriend u. Should i delete our chat?
I cant.
I cant.
I fucking CANT!
And I cant read it either, i keep rereading our last conversation though trying to see smth i must have missed, smth that would give me hope. I have analyzed every word, every comma and yet still cant see the answer.
Maybe bc the answer is so obvious.
Its feb 11, a week before a 'would-have been weekend together in helsinki'. I still give it a chance. I reallyreallyreally hope that u will come. Please buy the fucking ticket, please come. Damn it, I miss u so much, so much i cant even describe how i long to hear your voice and see your face, being in your arms and laughing with you.
At times i think that if you tell me that u dont really give a fuck ab me, it would be easier for me to let go. But i dont know what u feel, what u think. Shit this is so hard to understand, this abrupt change. I feel that we need to talk things over. I have questions to ask. Again. And it hurts when after a month of everyday talking about anything on earth you say we r sooo very different that we cant be together. How come?? How is that possible? We are different but it doesnt mean we cant be together and it doesnt mean we necessarily have to be a couple.
Ah, this is all bullshit, the only thing i know is that i miss u and miss what we had and miss the good time we had together and id give a lot to have it all back.
To have YOU back. I dont care for how long. I think Id be happy with any option. One hour? One week? Once a month? Please just tell me u want me and miss me and cant go on without me. Just knowing this will help a lot really no matter how often we can meet.
God knows, i do believe we will meet.
Please, make us meet.
Please, baby.
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It’s July 8, 2017, Saturday
U never messaged
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September 2017. Your facebook page says that you are married now