Things you are longer allowed to do in retail stores
Arg. I've been heading shifts lately, and there are many things that have been getting to me. Feel free to add your own rules.
1) Do not Eat fast food, then walk into a store and smear the grease all over the pretty dolls and other things. (inspired from Madmaggie)
2) Do not Use $100 bills to pay for anything before 6am, or anything under $75
3) Do not Use bills larger than 4 times the total purchase. (this means $20 bills should only be used for purchases of $5 or more). If the idea is to get change, go to a fucking bank.
4) Do not Be a bitch or bastard to my workers. You open your mouth again ma'am, and you'll need dentures.
5)Do not Yell at me or my workers from across the store(if your legs work). If you're in a wheelchair, or have crutches, or a small child which you don't want to roam free, ok. But if you're too lazy to get off your fat ass to get a napkin, too damn bad. Lick the fucking table.
6) If we're out of something you want, you should know we did it on purpose, just to see you get riled up. Yes we have no nutmeg ma'am, you're the only one who uses it and we thought we'd like to hear the lovely sound of your whining again.
7) You are not our only customer at the moment. Stop assuming that the drink we're pouring or putting up is yours. I know damn well you didn't want whip cream, but the guy before you did, so shut up. And no, it isn't your drink, it's the drink of the guy who paid before you.
8) If you are using the cell phone, don't you dare approach the register. Talking on the cell phone while placing an order is the hight of rudeness. How would you like it if someone came to give you business, but insisted on talking on the phone the entire time? You'd punch them, wouldn't you? And besides, we can't tell when you're talking to the other person or us. Hang it up, finish the conversation, put them on hold, or step out of line and wait to finish on the phone. I swear, if I hear another conversation about anything, I will take the phone out of your hands and hang it up for you. You do not come across as cool, important, or competant. You come across as a self-involved yuppie who can't think beyond your own goddamn nose.
9) When not at Starbucks, do not ask for Starbucks drinks. To do so is to insult both the place you are and Starbucks. Seattles Best, Caribou Coffee, and other places all have weonderful drinks of their own that you should try. Frappachinos are copyrighted to Starbucks alone. But you should try what the other places have--you may find something you like better. Don't be yuppie scum.
10) Please be aware of the customers around you. If the person before you orders 10 drinks for their office, it will be a while before we get to yours. Have some effing patience
11) Yes, we are supposed to charge you for any added syrup. If we haven't before, it's because we've been very nice to you. So stop telling us we're overcharging you and trying to cheat you when we're trying to keep our business afloat.
12) IF the computers are acting up, don't be mean to us because of the results. Not much we can do until the techies fix it. In the mean time, don't slap the debit card out of Ms Pat's hands, you grumpy old bastard.
13) Wait in line. If you skip, I leave your fate to the other customers. And you will be held liable for damages.
14) Corporate desicions are not within our control, so stop bitching to us about them. Write HQ, fill out a comment card, but don't compain to us. Honestly, we don't care. We'll never tell you that, but it's true. So fuck off!
15) Just because you don't like a flavor, doesn't mean no one does. Complaining that "No one likes that thing" is bullshit and you know it. If no one liked it, it wouldn't sell, so we wouldn't have it. But if we do have it, it means it's selling, which means people like it. So deal with reality.
16) There is a difference between amazing customer service and getting down on our knees to kiss your ass. Learn it, and have some respect.
Please, add your own suggestions
1) Do not Eat fast food, then walk into a store and smear the grease all over the pretty dolls and other things. (inspired from Madmaggie)
2) Do not Use $100 bills to pay for anything before 6am, or anything under $75
3) Do not Use bills larger than 4 times the total purchase. (this means $20 bills should only be used for purchases of $5 or more). If the idea is to get change, go to a fucking bank.
4) Do not Be a bitch or bastard to my workers. You open your mouth again ma'am, and you'll need dentures.
5)Do not Yell at me or my workers from across the store(if your legs work). If you're in a wheelchair, or have crutches, or a small child which you don't want to roam free, ok. But if you're too lazy to get off your fat ass to get a napkin, too damn bad. Lick the fucking table.
6) If we're out of something you want, you should know we did it on purpose, just to see you get riled up. Yes we have no nutmeg ma'am, you're the only one who uses it and we thought we'd like to hear the lovely sound of your whining again.
7) You are not our only customer at the moment. Stop assuming that the drink we're pouring or putting up is yours. I know damn well you didn't want whip cream, but the guy before you did, so shut up. And no, it isn't your drink, it's the drink of the guy who paid before you.
8) If you are using the cell phone, don't you dare approach the register. Talking on the cell phone while placing an order is the hight of rudeness. How would you like it if someone came to give you business, but insisted on talking on the phone the entire time? You'd punch them, wouldn't you? And besides, we can't tell when you're talking to the other person or us. Hang it up, finish the conversation, put them on hold, or step out of line and wait to finish on the phone. I swear, if I hear another conversation about anything, I will take the phone out of your hands and hang it up for you. You do not come across as cool, important, or competant. You come across as a self-involved yuppie who can't think beyond your own goddamn nose.
9) When not at Starbucks, do not ask for Starbucks drinks. To do so is to insult both the place you are and Starbucks. Seattles Best, Caribou Coffee, and other places all have weonderful drinks of their own that you should try. Frappachinos are copyrighted to Starbucks alone. But you should try what the other places have--you may find something you like better. Don't be yuppie scum.
10) Please be aware of the customers around you. If the person before you orders 10 drinks for their office, it will be a while before we get to yours. Have some effing patience
11) Yes, we are supposed to charge you for any added syrup. If we haven't before, it's because we've been very nice to you. So stop telling us we're overcharging you and trying to cheat you when we're trying to keep our business afloat.
12) IF the computers are acting up, don't be mean to us because of the results. Not much we can do until the techies fix it. In the mean time, don't slap the debit card out of Ms Pat's hands, you grumpy old bastard.
13) Wait in line. If you skip, I leave your fate to the other customers. And you will be held liable for damages.
14) Corporate desicions are not within our control, so stop bitching to us about them. Write HQ, fill out a comment card, but don't compain to us. Honestly, we don't care. We'll never tell you that, but it's true. So fuck off!
15) Just because you don't like a flavor, doesn't mean no one does. Complaining that "No one likes that thing" is bullshit and you know it. If no one liked it, it wouldn't sell, so we wouldn't have it. But if we do have it, it means it's selling, which means people like it. So deal with reality.
16) There is a difference between amazing customer service and getting down on our knees to kiss your ass. Learn it, and have some respect.
Please, add your own suggestions