(no subject)
dharma got hit by a car last night. her pelvic box is luxated from her spine, and her hip/ball joint is luxated from her pelvis. she's as good as paralyzed from the hip down. she was bloody, matted with dirt, lost a tooth, and shredded her claws. i don't know how the last two happened. perhaps her claws got shredded in the process of dragging herself to the curb, which is where i found her, yowling loudly for me to get off the damn computer and come rescue her.
my heart was thudding sickly in my chest as i picked her up with a towel and laid her in the tub. i found a night clinic, called them, drove us both there, and kept my cool throughout it all, in that hyper-aware-mom-in-a-panic-but-in-charge kind of way.
then they started talking money, and i burst into tears.
the first estimate came back at $1300. i stated i didn't have a thousand dollars and asked for something else. they came back with an initial $340. they followed it with $360. then this morning i owed $115 prior to her release.
i paid eight hundred dollars to the emergency clinic, and what i got for that price was a couple of x-rays, some morphine, and an IV drip. the rest were "tests" and her overnight boarding.
this morning she had to go to a "day" vet, who would offer a plan of treatment. specifically a surgeon, as the emergency clinic determined that her injuries were not such that could be fixed with physical therapy and meds alone.
the surgeon, who had a calm, capable manner, and whom i liked, gave me two options.
$4800 would fix her as good as new.
$2600 would fix her leg, but her pelvic area would remain luxated. she'd develop hardened scar tissue around the area, limp for a long time, maybe forever, and never be able to jump again. she'd never go outside again either.
both options require around six weeks of intensive recuperation care - essentially to be caged, with absorptive pads under her, and me cleaning her manually and performing exercises on her leg.
the unspoken third option, $0, which would leave her unable to walk or stand and in need of diapers and hand care for the rest of her life, didn't really seem like an option. despite growing up in a rural area, i don't have the steely resolve necessary to take her out back and "take care of her." *
so i had to choose. between the $4800 and the $2600 option. even though i don't have $2600, much less $4800, to spend on what is essentially, at the end of the day, just an animal.
i had about an hour to decide. i had A with me, and my mother on the phone. and i bawled and bawled and bawled, utterly sick at heart because i knew i was going to take the cheaper way out, and that i was choosing to not make her completely well, even though the wellness was physically possible and easily so.
i am still sitting at home, ill and crying about it.
she should be going into surgery right about now. i want to call them in a panic, to yell, "wait!," over the phone, to tell them to do everything they can for her and i will pay, i will pay, i will pay. i will find a way to pay.
it is sickening to say it out loud, but it would have been easier if she had died. then such choices would not have to be made. i cannot help but wonder, in fear, if in my future i will ever find myself doing a cost-benefit analysis for a human being - for someone i care about, for someone who depends on me to make the right choices for them, for my own child, for my husband, for my parent. how do you put a price on good health, a working body, pain relief, or emotional well-being?
*edit: it has occured to me this reference may not be recognized by some. "take care of her" is an euphemism my father would use for "take her out back and put her out of her misery, " which in turn is an euphemism for shooting her or breaking her neck. where i come from, if an animal is not able to take care of itself in the most basic way (say, stand up on it's own and use a litter box), it is time for that animal to go.