hey look life stuff.
I don't often write here anymore, clearly, but I guess I'm having the urge to spill my guts somewhere to try to make sense of what I'm feeling, and I might as well use this thing. I don't know who will even see this, which is fine with me.
I feel like I'm going through a forced change right now. Maybe it's just this sudden sense of aging and maturing (good grief I'm 25) and I feel like I have to do something to radically catch up to those expectations, maybe this is just some manic and terrified urge to try to cope with all the shit I've been through lately, but there's this huge pressure in me to seize control of my life so that I don't end up drowning.
No matter what I do, no matter how good these changes are, there is this ocean of loss that comes with it. I am convinced that I am making the right choices, I don't have doubts about anything starting with moving here, but the shock of all these losses is so overwhelming and stunning. It's never just the thing that I've prepared myself to lose, it's always everything attached as well -- naturally, you pull out one string and the whole section unravels.
Writing this, it seems patently obvious: c'est la vie. Such is life. You are just getting a painful dose of reality, Zoe, these scars will teach you and give you experience, they are necessary for you to grow. But I don't know what I'm growing into, and the future from here looks so bleak and lonely that I am desperately trying not to backpedal away from it. There's nothing to go back to, anyway. I made my choices and I have to live with the unraveling now.
It doesn't help that the people I know truly love me feel so distant right now and after so much fucking heartbreak of late, I feel like I can barely trust the people around me, which is equally terrifying. It's like quicksand: I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing and seeing their faces as they decide I'm more trouble than I'm worth. Again, typing this, it's really obvious how fucked up these codependent relationships have made me, and I need to find a way to be optimistic again, but I don't know where or how to begin doing that or with who.
I think I need to go to Al-Anon?
I feel like I'm going through a forced change right now. Maybe it's just this sudden sense of aging and maturing (good grief I'm 25) and I feel like I have to do something to radically catch up to those expectations, maybe this is just some manic and terrified urge to try to cope with all the shit I've been through lately, but there's this huge pressure in me to seize control of my life so that I don't end up drowning.
No matter what I do, no matter how good these changes are, there is this ocean of loss that comes with it. I am convinced that I am making the right choices, I don't have doubts about anything starting with moving here, but the shock of all these losses is so overwhelming and stunning. It's never just the thing that I've prepared myself to lose, it's always everything attached as well -- naturally, you pull out one string and the whole section unravels.
Writing this, it seems patently obvious: c'est la vie. Such is life. You are just getting a painful dose of reality, Zoe, these scars will teach you and give you experience, they are necessary for you to grow. But I don't know what I'm growing into, and the future from here looks so bleak and lonely that I am desperately trying not to backpedal away from it. There's nothing to go back to, anyway. I made my choices and I have to live with the unraveling now.
It doesn't help that the people I know truly love me feel so distant right now and after so much fucking heartbreak of late, I feel like I can barely trust the people around me, which is equally terrifying. It's like quicksand: I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing and seeing their faces as they decide I'm more trouble than I'm worth. Again, typing this, it's really obvious how fucked up these codependent relationships have made me, and I need to find a way to be optimistic again, but I don't know where or how to begin doing that or with who.
I think I need to go to Al-Anon?