huh.
No one seems to update over here any more. Time's marching onward as per, I guess. But I still have this and I still want to hang onto it for posterity, so. Besides, it's a quiet morning. I need somewhere to spill.
I feel more like shit than usual the past couple weeks. It's getting steadily worse, and I worry that I'm falling into a depression again; I've been so unconcerned about it until now, at least since I've moved here. I think my hormones have been changing, which is weird enough when all the things I'm used to are apparently shifting, but on top of that I've been sort of trying to cope around the feeling that everything is bruising me or kicking me in the gut and I can't recover. Not like anything extraordinary has happened, in the past couple weeks. It's either an accumulation of bad shit that's snowballed from tiny little things to an overall darker mood or it's just unrelated to actual events. I've had it pretty decent recently. Besides work generally sucking my soul (as usual), it's been good. I'm dating and I have money right now. Dad's back in the States for at least six months, presumably. Mom and my friends are all safe in NYC. I have friends, like my neighborhood, do have a job that gets me out of the house. Enjoy writing. Still don't know what I'm doing with my life next, but thinking seriously about options. (I say thinking, because I haven't gotten the balls yet to screw my courage up and start researching. But I have ideas.) My arms are all fucked up right now, which makes things a little difficult to handle because I keep having this underlying ache and occasional bursts of pain that really wear down my tolerance for everything, but that's something I can take care of.
I guess I'm a little pissed off with my friends in general right now. I know people sympathize with me when I say that I'm feeling shitty, but it seems like their actual ability to care lasts about .5 seconds before they're back to being obsessed with their own problems. One of my friends actually told me that she couldn't really be bothered to pay much attention to what I was saying because she didn't know any of the people I was discussing (which has stopped her when, ever...?). Sometimes I just get non-responses, like ":(" in text messages or people literally ignoring my last statement. I mean, I'm certainly used to the idea that people are self-absorbed, and dragging them out of their shells for long enough to be caring and supportive can be a fucking endeavor, but I feel like I'm around for my friends all the time, being on their side and listening to their problems and cheering them on, and the moment I start to fall apart, they're all looking guiltily elsewhere. Or making bored sounds. Or insisting that my fucking problems are interfering with their lives, I kid you not. When I was walking home last night from work, I was literally praying under my breath that my buddy Isaac would be sitting on his stoop, because he always makes me laugh and gives me hugs. He wasn't there. I can count the number of people who can do that for me on one hand, and most of the time I feel too guilty about having problems to want to bother them. It's easier to just go home and put on a movie and not think for a while.
Anyway, none of that really explains why I feel like this in the first place, why everything is a struggle, why I'm constantly tense and choked up and I feel like I could burst into tears at any point if I wasn't so aware of how ridiculous and dramatic that would be. I'm ready to hand in my two week's notice, pack a bag, and disappear up to the cabin for the next six months, and I would have absolutely no problem with that. Unfortunately.
Oh well, I guess? I'll see where I am in another six months.
I feel more like shit than usual the past couple weeks. It's getting steadily worse, and I worry that I'm falling into a depression again; I've been so unconcerned about it until now, at least since I've moved here. I think my hormones have been changing, which is weird enough when all the things I'm used to are apparently shifting, but on top of that I've been sort of trying to cope around the feeling that everything is bruising me or kicking me in the gut and I can't recover. Not like anything extraordinary has happened, in the past couple weeks. It's either an accumulation of bad shit that's snowballed from tiny little things to an overall darker mood or it's just unrelated to actual events. I've had it pretty decent recently. Besides work generally sucking my soul (as usual), it's been good. I'm dating and I have money right now. Dad's back in the States for at least six months, presumably. Mom and my friends are all safe in NYC. I have friends, like my neighborhood, do have a job that gets me out of the house. Enjoy writing. Still don't know what I'm doing with my life next, but thinking seriously about options. (I say thinking, because I haven't gotten the balls yet to screw my courage up and start researching. But I have ideas.) My arms are all fucked up right now, which makes things a little difficult to handle because I keep having this underlying ache and occasional bursts of pain that really wear down my tolerance for everything, but that's something I can take care of.
I guess I'm a little pissed off with my friends in general right now. I know people sympathize with me when I say that I'm feeling shitty, but it seems like their actual ability to care lasts about .5 seconds before they're back to being obsessed with their own problems. One of my friends actually told me that she couldn't really be bothered to pay much attention to what I was saying because she didn't know any of the people I was discussing (which has stopped her when, ever...?). Sometimes I just get non-responses, like ":(" in text messages or people literally ignoring my last statement. I mean, I'm certainly used to the idea that people are self-absorbed, and dragging them out of their shells for long enough to be caring and supportive can be a fucking endeavor, but I feel like I'm around for my friends all the time, being on their side and listening to their problems and cheering them on, and the moment I start to fall apart, they're all looking guiltily elsewhere. Or making bored sounds. Or insisting that my fucking problems are interfering with their lives, I kid you not. When I was walking home last night from work, I was literally praying under my breath that my buddy Isaac would be sitting on his stoop, because he always makes me laugh and gives me hugs. He wasn't there. I can count the number of people who can do that for me on one hand, and most of the time I feel too guilty about having problems to want to bother them. It's easier to just go home and put on a movie and not think for a while.
Anyway, none of that really explains why I feel like this in the first place, why everything is a struggle, why I'm constantly tense and choked up and I feel like I could burst into tears at any point if I wasn't so aware of how ridiculous and dramatic that would be. I'm ready to hand in my two week's notice, pack a bag, and disappear up to the cabin for the next six months, and I would have absolutely no problem with that. Unfortunately.
Oh well, I guess? I'll see where I am in another six months.