(no subject)
A friend of my dad's (and someone who I knew fairly well) died this afternoon. She was on a lot of medication for various things over the years and her heart finally couldn't handle the cocktail. She was his age, maybe a little younger, and she was a major part of the flamenco group. Last week my dad and I were discussing talking to her about applying for grants.
This whole month has been beyond weird.
I had to say something about it because it just hit me that I don't know what to say to my mother. She knew Dorien too, but that's not really the point. I don't know if my dad would want me to tell her. I don't know what to tell her if she asks how I am one of these days. I don't know if anything I tell her about my dad is okay, or vice versa. I don't know if anything I say to one of them about the other will be used in court or not, and I don't have the time or presence of mind or bluntness to ask what's okay and what isn't. I can't ask my dad right now if this is unmentionable or not, he just lost a friend. I don't want to ask my mom if I'm allowed to mention that she got a job or not. It's not even stressful to think about, it's just kind of mind-boggling to me right now. I feel like I'm frozen, or a blank page that random words keep getting scrawled onto every time I open my mouth and have no idea what will come out next. I feel like I don't have parents right now. I don't have anyone to ask for help, I don't have a family to connect to, I can't talk to my extended family because even if I went to the effort of connecting to them, they all have their sides to pick. And I love my friends for listening to me when they do but I can't help but feel like they all have bigger problems than me, because in some cases they really do. I'm a listener, not a talker. I don't open up about how I feel. Half the time I don't even know what to say about what I feel, I can only list the facts and present it like that and then laugh about the insane absurdity of this circus. My parents are jumping through legal hoops with no support system, no financial net to fall into. My mom has her support groups, my dad has...I don't know, Spain and his projects and me.
I can't wait for this year to be over. I can't see into the future at all, I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm going to do next, but at least there's some hope of resolution between them which might leave me with the slightest inkling of what the rest of my life is going to look like re: my family. I barely have an education. I have no savings. I have a dead-end job and rent that's too high. I have no significant other, I have no plan, I have vague ideas that I'm generally too scared or too timid or too completely absorbed in keeping my head down and getting through this to follow up on. This is what my life has turned into: big leaps into still ponds. New Zealand, college, Brooklyn, San Francisco, I have no idea what any of these leaps have accomplished other than to get me nowhere fast.
I wish there was someone who could come save me, honestly. I wish someone had a plan. But there's no one, there's just me, and I've done a relatively decent job at convincing everyone I know that I can take care of myself, so now I'm stuck trying to be that person.
This whole month has been beyond weird.
I had to say something about it because it just hit me that I don't know what to say to my mother. She knew Dorien too, but that's not really the point. I don't know if my dad would want me to tell her. I don't know what to tell her if she asks how I am one of these days. I don't know if anything I tell her about my dad is okay, or vice versa. I don't know if anything I say to one of them about the other will be used in court or not, and I don't have the time or presence of mind or bluntness to ask what's okay and what isn't. I can't ask my dad right now if this is unmentionable or not, he just lost a friend. I don't want to ask my mom if I'm allowed to mention that she got a job or not. It's not even stressful to think about, it's just kind of mind-boggling to me right now. I feel like I'm frozen, or a blank page that random words keep getting scrawled onto every time I open my mouth and have no idea what will come out next. I feel like I don't have parents right now. I don't have anyone to ask for help, I don't have a family to connect to, I can't talk to my extended family because even if I went to the effort of connecting to them, they all have their sides to pick. And I love my friends for listening to me when they do but I can't help but feel like they all have bigger problems than me, because in some cases they really do. I'm a listener, not a talker. I don't open up about how I feel. Half the time I don't even know what to say about what I feel, I can only list the facts and present it like that and then laugh about the insane absurdity of this circus. My parents are jumping through legal hoops with no support system, no financial net to fall into. My mom has her support groups, my dad has...I don't know, Spain and his projects and me.
I can't wait for this year to be over. I can't see into the future at all, I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm going to do next, but at least there's some hope of resolution between them which might leave me with the slightest inkling of what the rest of my life is going to look like re: my family. I barely have an education. I have no savings. I have a dead-end job and rent that's too high. I have no significant other, I have no plan, I have vague ideas that I'm generally too scared or too timid or too completely absorbed in keeping my head down and getting through this to follow up on. This is what my life has turned into: big leaps into still ponds. New Zealand, college, Brooklyn, San Francisco, I have no idea what any of these leaps have accomplished other than to get me nowhere fast.
I wish there was someone who could come save me, honestly. I wish someone had a plan. But there's no one, there's just me, and I've done a relatively decent job at convincing everyone I know that I can take care of myself, so now I'm stuck trying to be that person.