Random thoughts
I feel like the closer I get to graduation, the more I realize I need to make even more changes. I stress out way too easily and lately I haven't been able to relax. I take each day as a form of accomplishment, for example: if I clean today I have accomplished something productive or I went to work so I did something useful. Those kinds of things really help me throughout the day, but when I do have a day which I don't do or see anyone, normally I draw and relax, but I really can't over this break. I used to enjoy the solitude and being able to get away from everyone, but lately I been more anxious and slightly needy for attention. I honestly don't like it since I used to enjoy being alone so much, but I think I realized that I really can't live like that for the rest of my life.
I do have friends I see, people at work and family to occupy that space, but I think at times I need that person I can just turn to to really just vent and talk about what's on my mind, but she isn't here. I used to be able to just call her and release this kind of tension without judgement, fear or drama throughout the process, but she has her own life and is busy which is understandable. When I used to vent before to my friends about things I just wanted off my chest, they either couldn't understand, didn't know what to say or would ignore my comments and bring in their own drama. I think for a while, this caused me much grief and frustration and I know it bothered a lot of my friends. I finally understood after some time that I just needed to find someone who was willing to be that kind of a friend to me and not expect something like that from people who couldn't handle the kind of relationship I wanted to have.
I enjoy deep rooted friendships that serve more than just a 'physical' social aspect and the whole common 'hanging out' scene to make it appear as if I have a substancial social life. I like to be able to talk about different things with different people, but I always want to be able to connect to someone and be able to trust them somehow. I really don't trust many people in the first place and that has never helped with me telling people about what's going on with me. I don't expect people to open me like a book and read everything about me, but it would be nice to have my feelings justified every once in a while without them being tossed aside and treated as if they aren't important. I know I always have my mom and my friend Cathy, but even still, it sometimes isn't always enough. Granted, I'm sure the level by which I expect is far more than what the common person would even want to deal with, so I feel that's why I have become more calm with certain people instead of so persistant to tell them what I feel and hope they will comprehend something that they most likely don't wish to be involved in.
I feel that it has been hard for a long time for me to just be in a state where I am comfertable. My mom always jokes I'm 20 going on 40 all the time, but it's true, espically on a social level. Yes, I can be immature and goofy, but that's my own personality, not my view on things in the world and living my life. Most of the people I used to hang around with had no serious view on life and just shooted the breeze like nothing mattered. Then there were the people who surrounded themselves with drama and forced it to become a requirement of conversation every chance it could be brought upon. I do realize that society has never made it easy for anyone to ever find real substance in things and living this way trying to avoid it is near to impossible. It has left me constantly in a seperate box than others which I have fully accepted, but it also damages me socially sometimes. I think that's the biggest issue I have had and even expressing that has made me look like I whined a lot about nothing.
As I have said, it's frustrating to live that way only to have the very few who can hold a conversation with let alone keep my interests perked long enough for me to pay attention. It's a vicious cycle and I feel like I'm just standing back watching and seeing myself become more distant from it. I have brought this upon myself, it's ironic that someone who is depressed wants to gain a more social life to escape the problems that brew inside, but is left with an undesirable social life, which brings me back to avoiding more people. I just see this world crumbling and more people are becoming selfish, pathetic, stupid and weak. To be around them is like drinking poison, so I avoid it, but it's not impossible to meet people who have substance. I do believe it's ok to be around people who aren't so serious and deep, but as I have said, it's nice to find those few who you can talk for hours about anything and everything; the meaning of our lives, what we want and desire, what kind of things we can cook, enjoying a good book, looking at artwork...things of that sort.
I believe writing out all I'm thinking and feeling is my third relese next to talking it out and drawing. What's nice about this is I can re-read something I wrote, analyze my thoughts later and move on. Plus, if I can't talk to someone who I know would understand, at least this way it removes the dissapointing aspect of someone who can't understand and listen. It really does help me a lot, which is why I write on LJ sometimes because I don't always have to use this as a vice. I'm human too and need things as well as everyone else, so this is for me. I'm not ashamed of how I feel or care if someone doesn't agree because the fact of the matter is: this is how I think and feel. My problems and issues are my own and how I deal with them is my own concern, no one elses. I want and desire attention like everyone else and I need that sometimes when I'm feeling crummy, but I don't want to ignore my guts anymore. I used to be afraid to come out and say 'I just want to be noticed'...well not really so openly like that, but if I need someone, I call or try to make plans.
I used to be ashamed from the way people would react to my issues like I'm not allowed to be upset or want attention. It's not wrong and I stopped feeling like a bad person because of it because it really is just a subject of choice for others. They chose to live their lives just as I do, so they are subject to feel the way they do and change if they please. If they choose to feel that way about me, I must accept it because I can not change that. It took me so long to understand that because I kept beating my thoughts into someone else hoping, wishing, almost begging them to just understand and then be left dissapointed and upset when it wouldn't work. The world doesn't work like that and everyone needs to learn on their own time. I knew after some time I needed to stop being so anxious and pushy, so I changed because I learned. Granted, I never felt it was fair to feel the way I did, but I got over it and changed like everything else I have ever dealt with before.
I'm 23 years old and I don't want to live the rest of my life stuck in a cage. I'm at a point where I want to expand my horizons and change my fear of exploring. I want to move on, find a new place to be and grow from there. I know someday I will be in a better state than I am now and no matter what happens, I want to die knowing I tried to be something more than I thought I could be. If I have made it this far with the amount of change I have undergone already, I know the possiblity is endless.
I do have friends I see, people at work and family to occupy that space, but I think at times I need that person I can just turn to to really just vent and talk about what's on my mind, but she isn't here. I used to be able to just call her and release this kind of tension without judgement, fear or drama throughout the process, but she has her own life and is busy which is understandable. When I used to vent before to my friends about things I just wanted off my chest, they either couldn't understand, didn't know what to say or would ignore my comments and bring in their own drama. I think for a while, this caused me much grief and frustration and I know it bothered a lot of my friends. I finally understood after some time that I just needed to find someone who was willing to be that kind of a friend to me and not expect something like that from people who couldn't handle the kind of relationship I wanted to have.
I enjoy deep rooted friendships that serve more than just a 'physical' social aspect and the whole common 'hanging out' scene to make it appear as if I have a substancial social life. I like to be able to talk about different things with different people, but I always want to be able to connect to someone and be able to trust them somehow. I really don't trust many people in the first place and that has never helped with me telling people about what's going on with me. I don't expect people to open me like a book and read everything about me, but it would be nice to have my feelings justified every once in a while without them being tossed aside and treated as if they aren't important. I know I always have my mom and my friend Cathy, but even still, it sometimes isn't always enough. Granted, I'm sure the level by which I expect is far more than what the common person would even want to deal with, so I feel that's why I have become more calm with certain people instead of so persistant to tell them what I feel and hope they will comprehend something that they most likely don't wish to be involved in.
I feel that it has been hard for a long time for me to just be in a state where I am comfertable. My mom always jokes I'm 20 going on 40 all the time, but it's true, espically on a social level. Yes, I can be immature and goofy, but that's my own personality, not my view on things in the world and living my life. Most of the people I used to hang around with had no serious view on life and just shooted the breeze like nothing mattered. Then there were the people who surrounded themselves with drama and forced it to become a requirement of conversation every chance it could be brought upon. I do realize that society has never made it easy for anyone to ever find real substance in things and living this way trying to avoid it is near to impossible. It has left me constantly in a seperate box than others which I have fully accepted, but it also damages me socially sometimes. I think that's the biggest issue I have had and even expressing that has made me look like I whined a lot about nothing.
As I have said, it's frustrating to live that way only to have the very few who can hold a conversation with let alone keep my interests perked long enough for me to pay attention. It's a vicious cycle and I feel like I'm just standing back watching and seeing myself become more distant from it. I have brought this upon myself, it's ironic that someone who is depressed wants to gain a more social life to escape the problems that brew inside, but is left with an undesirable social life, which brings me back to avoiding more people. I just see this world crumbling and more people are becoming selfish, pathetic, stupid and weak. To be around them is like drinking poison, so I avoid it, but it's not impossible to meet people who have substance. I do believe it's ok to be around people who aren't so serious and deep, but as I have said, it's nice to find those few who you can talk for hours about anything and everything; the meaning of our lives, what we want and desire, what kind of things we can cook, enjoying a good book, looking at artwork...things of that sort.
I believe writing out all I'm thinking and feeling is my third relese next to talking it out and drawing. What's nice about this is I can re-read something I wrote, analyze my thoughts later and move on. Plus, if I can't talk to someone who I know would understand, at least this way it removes the dissapointing aspect of someone who can't understand and listen. It really does help me a lot, which is why I write on LJ sometimes because I don't always have to use this as a vice. I'm human too and need things as well as everyone else, so this is for me. I'm not ashamed of how I feel or care if someone doesn't agree because the fact of the matter is: this is how I think and feel. My problems and issues are my own and how I deal with them is my own concern, no one elses. I want and desire attention like everyone else and I need that sometimes when I'm feeling crummy, but I don't want to ignore my guts anymore. I used to be afraid to come out and say 'I just want to be noticed'...well not really so openly like that, but if I need someone, I call or try to make plans.
I used to be ashamed from the way people would react to my issues like I'm not allowed to be upset or want attention. It's not wrong and I stopped feeling like a bad person because of it because it really is just a subject of choice for others. They chose to live their lives just as I do, so they are subject to feel the way they do and change if they please. If they choose to feel that way about me, I must accept it because I can not change that. It took me so long to understand that because I kept beating my thoughts into someone else hoping, wishing, almost begging them to just understand and then be left dissapointed and upset when it wouldn't work. The world doesn't work like that and everyone needs to learn on their own time. I knew after some time I needed to stop being so anxious and pushy, so I changed because I learned. Granted, I never felt it was fair to feel the way I did, but I got over it and changed like everything else I have ever dealt with before.
I'm 23 years old and I don't want to live the rest of my life stuck in a cage. I'm at a point where I want to expand my horizons and change my fear of exploring. I want to move on, find a new place to be and grow from there. I know someday I will be in a better state than I am now and no matter what happens, I want to die knowing I tried to be something more than I thought I could be. If I have made it this far with the amount of change I have undergone already, I know the possiblity is endless.