Dude, the world is fucked up.
So today was rather interesting, I just felt like sharing this story to explain the view others have on me even through joking. It makes me wonder sometimes if people really feel this way about me, but then again whoever wants to honestly tell someone they genuinely think the person is "stupid?"
So I had my painting class in the morning and my drawing class in the afternoon with the same teacher. The first half was alright and second half was too but I couldn't believe my teacher said this in front of the whole class. Not only do I have a limited self esteem, but I am constantly paranoid about feeling completely stupid all the time. I suppose humans just have no compassion or consideration for any other humans since this hasn't been the first time I been insulted.
My teacher was explaining our homework assignment before we had to leave and most of the people didn't understand what he meant. I asked a simple question which pretty much answered what everyone was concerned about, but somehow I was the only one that got that. He asked me "Gabrielle, you understood what I meant right?" I said yes because I did and then he goes as a joke "So the whole class didn't understand what I meant, but the stupidest person in the whole class did?" A couple people laughed and most people just were like "Dude that's messed up." My teacher jokes a lot to everyone, but for some reason it really didn't bother me. I'm used to hearing that a lot, so why should I care right? My one friend in my class was sweet and told him he needed to apologize to me and he did. He felt bad after that because he told me to come over and I glared at him.
Even as a joke, it wasn't funny. I have learning disablities and it impares me and makes things I say come out wrong and I do stupid things. YES I KNOW I'M FUCKING SLOW AND SAY STUPID THINGS, BUT I'M NOT FUCKING STUPID. Jesus, how cruel are people? What's even more funny is I honeslty didn't get upset until I actually started thing about my past and how many god damn people think it's so damn funny to call me stupid and insult me. I never realized how many people in my childhood made fun of me until I hear shit like this. Maybe people won't understand that because it hasn't happened to them and think that I'm overreacting. Fine, you know what, who gives a shit. Who does anymore? I know I don't, I had enough. You people wonder why I am always angry, upset, and so damn unhappy? You want to know why? Because people are fucked up and have been to me ever since I was little. You don't think I have feelings and that even jokes don't hurt my pride? People must be that fucking stupid since it constantly happens. I try to forget and just deal with it, but after a while, after about 10 years of real problems and harrassment, it's too much. I can't really do anything else now but suck it up and deal with it, but that doesn't do shit sometimes.
I kept thinking this is something I deserved or possibly had coming to me. If it is, I completely accept it, but I just can't because I can't think of anything cruel or completely wrong that I have done. I look at it that way since it never stops. yes, the world is unfair and unjust, but seriously, WHAT THE FUCK? I know my life isn't horrible and worst things can happen, but I'm only human, there are some things I can't do and this is one of them, I can't stop feeling this way ever. No matter how much I try to change and beat my head inside out, I can't ever stop feeling this way. I know I need help, but it doesn't always help. I always feel stuck and wind up asking myself "What can I do to stop feeling this way?"
Blah, I had to rant, don't read it if you don't care, I rather not hear a stupid comment about how lame my life is. Just shove it if that's all you're going to say. Other then that, life's great.
So I had my painting class in the morning and my drawing class in the afternoon with the same teacher. The first half was alright and second half was too but I couldn't believe my teacher said this in front of the whole class. Not only do I have a limited self esteem, but I am constantly paranoid about feeling completely stupid all the time. I suppose humans just have no compassion or consideration for any other humans since this hasn't been the first time I been insulted.
My teacher was explaining our homework assignment before we had to leave and most of the people didn't understand what he meant. I asked a simple question which pretty much answered what everyone was concerned about, but somehow I was the only one that got that. He asked me "Gabrielle, you understood what I meant right?" I said yes because I did and then he goes as a joke "So the whole class didn't understand what I meant, but the stupidest person in the whole class did?" A couple people laughed and most people just were like "Dude that's messed up." My teacher jokes a lot to everyone, but for some reason it really didn't bother me. I'm used to hearing that a lot, so why should I care right? My one friend in my class was sweet and told him he needed to apologize to me and he did. He felt bad after that because he told me to come over and I glared at him.
Even as a joke, it wasn't funny. I have learning disablities and it impares me and makes things I say come out wrong and I do stupid things. YES I KNOW I'M FUCKING SLOW AND SAY STUPID THINGS, BUT I'M NOT FUCKING STUPID. Jesus, how cruel are people? What's even more funny is I honeslty didn't get upset until I actually started thing about my past and how many god damn people think it's so damn funny to call me stupid and insult me. I never realized how many people in my childhood made fun of me until I hear shit like this. Maybe people won't understand that because it hasn't happened to them and think that I'm overreacting. Fine, you know what, who gives a shit. Who does anymore? I know I don't, I had enough. You people wonder why I am always angry, upset, and so damn unhappy? You want to know why? Because people are fucked up and have been to me ever since I was little. You don't think I have feelings and that even jokes don't hurt my pride? People must be that fucking stupid since it constantly happens. I try to forget and just deal with it, but after a while, after about 10 years of real problems and harrassment, it's too much. I can't really do anything else now but suck it up and deal with it, but that doesn't do shit sometimes.
I kept thinking this is something I deserved or possibly had coming to me. If it is, I completely accept it, but I just can't because I can't think of anything cruel or completely wrong that I have done. I look at it that way since it never stops. yes, the world is unfair and unjust, but seriously, WHAT THE FUCK? I know my life isn't horrible and worst things can happen, but I'm only human, there are some things I can't do and this is one of them, I can't stop feeling this way ever. No matter how much I try to change and beat my head inside out, I can't ever stop feeling this way. I know I need help, but it doesn't always help. I always feel stuck and wind up asking myself "What can I do to stop feeling this way?"
Blah, I had to rant, don't read it if you don't care, I rather not hear a stupid comment about how lame my life is. Just shove it if that's all you're going to say. Other then that, life's great.