Poetry in chaotic motion
It's been a tumultuous and good summer.
At present, I am in New York, in Brooklyn, in Mary's apartment, on her couch. I spent the day wandering alone, sometimes thrilled, sometimes sleepy - kind of like the past two months. At the beginning of summer, I felt like I'd reverted back to being a four-year old. Janette and Anis were still in school, so I spent my days hanging out with mom. Much of my time was spent buckled up in the passenger seat while she ran errands. Cute.
Then, I went to the beach with dad. Overwhelming. I enjoyed being alone in the condo for a few days, but I think I desiccated my tear ducts for a minute there. Adolescence.
And then, back home in Gborough, I had way more fun than I was expecting. Suddenly, there were things to do and people to see. I wrote a poem the other day - it came out all by itself, I just sat there...
I feel... like my age has finally caught up with me.
No, really, listen. It makes sense. I've been thinking about this lately. My whole life, I've been pretty mature. A little smarter, a little wiser, a little more responsible, a little older than I am. All of a sudden I realize: i'm not that, um..., emotionally experienced. Whoa.
Now this may sound like a bad thing to notice, but it's not. I only notice because suddenly I'm feeling more feeling. I have spent a lot of my life perfecting the art of thinking. And having a little difficulty knowing when not to think and just to do, or feel. And suddenly it's much easier, and more common, and delightful... Things happen (of all varieties), and I sort of soak them in.
And while I feel a little like I'm flailing about, falling from a tall building of some cosmic sort...
what I REALLY feel like is that I'm enjoying the fall,
and that instead of falling down maybe I'm falling UP...
Into a trampoline of fate and faith and destiny, and spiritual education.
Maybe it's that, for the first time in a serious while, I actually feel mature. I get a lot of credit for a being a grownup badass, but at this moment I feel like I'm a little bit more grownup than I was just a.. hot minute .. ago. And because I suddenly feel a little more mature than I just was, I also feel so... young. Because I know I am so much younger than what's coming. In the next hot minute.
I'm feeling oddly secure for a girl so suddenly in touch with the fact that she has NO IDEA what is happening.
And yet, I'm sure things are moving forward. I kind of see how they are. It's going to be exciting to see how it all turns out.
Pass the popcorn.
I know, I know. Damn my evasiveness and vagaries... But I don't have anything more concrete to say or specific to share, and I felt compelled to say something to mark this strange re-beginning moment in my life... And, I think, you people don't get to read the poems quite yet.
That said, I would like to thank...
[the Academy...]
I would like to thank my good friends who have sort of anchored me while simultaneously spinning me off into the stratosphere. It's nice to have people that, if they're leaving you for even a little while, you know you have to be careful not to cry about. Because it's so damn important just knowing they're there.. that it's heartbreaking, in all the right ways, when you remember.
You know who you are. If you don't, you're just being dumb.
At present, I am in New York, in Brooklyn, in Mary's apartment, on her couch. I spent the day wandering alone, sometimes thrilled, sometimes sleepy - kind of like the past two months. At the beginning of summer, I felt like I'd reverted back to being a four-year old. Janette and Anis were still in school, so I spent my days hanging out with mom. Much of my time was spent buckled up in the passenger seat while she ran errands. Cute.
Then, I went to the beach with dad. Overwhelming. I enjoyed being alone in the condo for a few days, but I think I desiccated my tear ducts for a minute there. Adolescence.
And then, back home in Gborough, I had way more fun than I was expecting. Suddenly, there were things to do and people to see. I wrote a poem the other day - it came out all by itself, I just sat there...
I feel... like my age has finally caught up with me.
No, really, listen. It makes sense. I've been thinking about this lately. My whole life, I've been pretty mature. A little smarter, a little wiser, a little more responsible, a little older than I am. All of a sudden I realize: i'm not that, um..., emotionally experienced. Whoa.
Now this may sound like a bad thing to notice, but it's not. I only notice because suddenly I'm feeling more feeling. I have spent a lot of my life perfecting the art of thinking. And having a little difficulty knowing when not to think and just to do, or feel. And suddenly it's much easier, and more common, and delightful... Things happen (of all varieties), and I sort of soak them in.
And while I feel a little like I'm flailing about, falling from a tall building of some cosmic sort...
what I REALLY feel like is that I'm enjoying the fall,
and that instead of falling down maybe I'm falling UP...
Into a trampoline of fate and faith and destiny, and spiritual education.
Maybe it's that, for the first time in a serious while, I actually feel mature. I get a lot of credit for a being a grownup badass, but at this moment I feel like I'm a little bit more grownup than I was just a.. hot minute .. ago. And because I suddenly feel a little more mature than I just was, I also feel so... young. Because I know I am so much younger than what's coming. In the next hot minute.
I'm feeling oddly secure for a girl so suddenly in touch with the fact that she has NO IDEA what is happening.
And yet, I'm sure things are moving forward. I kind of see how they are. It's going to be exciting to see how it all turns out.
Pass the popcorn.
I know, I know. Damn my evasiveness and vagaries... But I don't have anything more concrete to say or specific to share, and I felt compelled to say something to mark this strange re-beginning moment in my life... And, I think, you people don't get to read the poems quite yet.
That said, I would like to thank...
[the Academy...]
I would like to thank my good friends who have sort of anchored me while simultaneously spinning me off into the stratosphere. It's nice to have people that, if they're leaving you for even a little while, you know you have to be careful not to cry about. Because it's so damn important just knowing they're there.. that it's heartbreaking, in all the right ways, when you remember.
You know who you are. If you don't, you're just being dumb.