If You Want Blood (You Got It)
Although I don't miss the cramps, the bloating, the nausea, the scrounging for tampons and the 5 days of nonstop blood, I felt it was important to inform Dr. Alam at my routine medical clearance that I haven't gotten my period since September. She asked if I was sexually active and I shot her back a blank stare in hopes she could read my ugly-monstrious face, or at least my mind. "Is that a fucking joke?" Regardless, she insists I take a pregnancy test --to check for hormonal imbalance.
So I've come to hit a MAJOR roadblock on Wednesday morning, or at least that's what I discovered. Before leaving his office, I stood and waited for a referral at the reception desk. I zoned out for a minute or two as I kept telling myself "I don't know how I'm going to do this." Because I don't.
The last time I saw Dr. Telischi was in 2006. That's three years of unattended problems gradually getting worse and worse. Since my diagnosis in 1999, it's always been about prioritizing. I'm never gonna catch a break. I have a disoder that targets the central nervous system. A million of complications can come from that. I have more than a handful of problems that need to be constantly monitored and checked, but when it comes to taking action it's about what is absolutely necessary and most crucial to my life and health. I can only focus on one thing at a time.
However, as disheartening as it was, the news wasn't exactly news to me. I can't say I didn't walk into the appointment expecting it. I knew exactly what was coming. I was given a good warning from Ragheb a week earlier. Ragheb has always been my bearer of bad news ("Hey, I'm just the messenger!") but last week he pretty much left it in Telischi's hands.
Telischi suggests I see a doctor way out in California who can probably help me, but I don't know if the procedure is worth it. I don't want this to be the reason for traveling to the west coast. (My heart is now set on going to Alaska) Nevertheless, I still gotta do what I gotta do. At the same time, it's slightly comforting to know that the root for my new list of concerns all come from the same source.
It's been over five years since I've had to undergo something this serious and hardcore. I know what to expect, and yet I don't. But what I do know is that it's going to be bad. I can't say I've been hit feeling defeated because I've given up fighting a long time ago. I don't know how to describe it. I can't breathe. I'm alone. No one's even on AIM. I don't know what to do. I left staring at the ceiling.
This is my life and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.
Weeks ago, my next upcoming operation was scheduled and it's ironically set for FRIDAY the 13th!- but this surgery is a whole different story. I joke around and boast how I will get to have a real My Bloody Valentines in 3D, but the truth of the matter is, everything has become so frequent and routine I NEVER get get well gifts anymore. It's been years! All I want is a flower.
I'm tired.
So I've come to hit a MAJOR roadblock on Wednesday morning, or at least that's what I discovered. Before leaving his office, I stood and waited for a referral at the reception desk. I zoned out for a minute or two as I kept telling myself "I don't know how I'm going to do this." Because I don't.
The last time I saw Dr. Telischi was in 2006. That's three years of unattended problems gradually getting worse and worse. Since my diagnosis in 1999, it's always been about prioritizing. I'm never gonna catch a break. I have a disoder that targets the central nervous system. A million of complications can come from that. I have more than a handful of problems that need to be constantly monitored and checked, but when it comes to taking action it's about what is absolutely necessary and most crucial to my life and health. I can only focus on one thing at a time.
However, as disheartening as it was, the news wasn't exactly news to me. I can't say I didn't walk into the appointment expecting it. I knew exactly what was coming. I was given a good warning from Ragheb a week earlier. Ragheb has always been my bearer of bad news ("Hey, I'm just the messenger!") but last week he pretty much left it in Telischi's hands.
Telischi suggests I see a doctor way out in California who can probably help me, but I don't know if the procedure is worth it. I don't want this to be the reason for traveling to the west coast. (My heart is now set on going to Alaska) Nevertheless, I still gotta do what I gotta do. At the same time, it's slightly comforting to know that the root for my new list of concerns all come from the same source.
It's been over five years since I've had to undergo something this serious and hardcore. I know what to expect, and yet I don't. But what I do know is that it's going to be bad. I can't say I've been hit feeling defeated because I've given up fighting a long time ago. I don't know how to describe it. I can't breathe. I'm alone. No one's even on AIM. I don't know what to do. I left staring at the ceiling.
This is my life and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.
Weeks ago, my next upcoming operation was scheduled and it's ironically set for FRIDAY the 13th!- but this surgery is a whole different story. I joke around and boast how I will get to have a real My Bloody Valentines in 3D, but the truth of the matter is, everything has become so frequent and routine I NEVER get get well gifts anymore. It's been years! All I want is a flower.
I'm tired.