This morning.
I woke up this morning feeling very out of sorts or something. I had a lot of bad dreams.
I dreamed that Brittany and Eveleena and I were out somewhere and they kept laughing at me and I didn't know why. I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror and at first I thought I was normal, but then I saw I had dark black stains all over my face, particularly around my mouth. I was so upset I tried to run to my house in DeLand, and I was trying to run as fast as I could but all I could do was trip awkwardly over and over again and everyone was watching me do this. Then I decided I was going to look for a job, but I couldn't see anything because people were blowing fog into my face over and over again. Then Jason and I were driving away from something and I was speeding and at the last minute I saw a giant pot hole in the road in front of me and accidentally drove us right into it. But I figured out a way out. And that was the whole dream.
Reading this it sounds like I have a lot of insecurities or something, which I suppose everyone does. But it was just very weird, and I woke up feeling exhausted and morbid.
Jason had a video shoot this morning, so I've just taken a bath and I'm laying around in a towel, even though I have work in like 15 minutes. I was staring at the walls of my apartment, and I started to feel better because this place surrounds me with comforting things. I have the ink drawing I got at Goodwill that reminds me of my trip to Scotland, and my weird little placard that says It is around a table that friends perceive best the warmth of being together which for some reason always makes me laugh because it's so corny and cute. I have pictures of my family and my dogs and my friends and Jason and cards that people have given me. I have the airplane picture that hung in my bedroom for as long as I can remember. I have Angelina Jolie's nipples up on my wall too. And I have the windows open and our new Joanna Newsom CD playing and I really don't feel like going to work today. I went from feeling very sad and not really sure why to nostalgic and relaxed and happy about the coming winter.
Almost exactly a year ago I was going through a really weird and confusing time in my life. I thought I was going to either lose my family or lose any hope of living a happy life. I don't know how to explain it. It was really confusing. And now a year later I feel very at peace with the way everything has ended up.
I'm going to be twenty in a week. This makes me want to cry for not being 14 anymore, and cheer for having made it this far and being better off than I ever thought I'd be.
I'm feeling really introspective right now, obviously. Maybe this is too much for LJ. But it feels good to get it off my chest. And you are all my friends, at least I think. So in case you're curious- this is what's going on with me this morning.
I dreamed that Brittany and Eveleena and I were out somewhere and they kept laughing at me and I didn't know why. I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror and at first I thought I was normal, but then I saw I had dark black stains all over my face, particularly around my mouth. I was so upset I tried to run to my house in DeLand, and I was trying to run as fast as I could but all I could do was trip awkwardly over and over again and everyone was watching me do this. Then I decided I was going to look for a job, but I couldn't see anything because people were blowing fog into my face over and over again. Then Jason and I were driving away from something and I was speeding and at the last minute I saw a giant pot hole in the road in front of me and accidentally drove us right into it. But I figured out a way out. And that was the whole dream.
Reading this it sounds like I have a lot of insecurities or something, which I suppose everyone does. But it was just very weird, and I woke up feeling exhausted and morbid.
Jason had a video shoot this morning, so I've just taken a bath and I'm laying around in a towel, even though I have work in like 15 minutes. I was staring at the walls of my apartment, and I started to feel better because this place surrounds me with comforting things. I have the ink drawing I got at Goodwill that reminds me of my trip to Scotland, and my weird little placard that says It is around a table that friends perceive best the warmth of being together which for some reason always makes me laugh because it's so corny and cute. I have pictures of my family and my dogs and my friends and Jason and cards that people have given me. I have the airplane picture that hung in my bedroom for as long as I can remember. I have Angelina Jolie's nipples up on my wall too. And I have the windows open and our new Joanna Newsom CD playing and I really don't feel like going to work today. I went from feeling very sad and not really sure why to nostalgic and relaxed and happy about the coming winter.
Almost exactly a year ago I was going through a really weird and confusing time in my life. I thought I was going to either lose my family or lose any hope of living a happy life. I don't know how to explain it. It was really confusing. And now a year later I feel very at peace with the way everything has ended up.
I'm going to be twenty in a week. This makes me want to cry for not being 14 anymore, and cheer for having made it this far and being better off than I ever thought I'd be.
I'm feeling really introspective right now, obviously. Maybe this is too much for LJ. But it feels good to get it off my chest. And you are all my friends, at least I think. So in case you're curious- this is what's going on with me this morning.