(no subject)
Sigh. I just feel totally drained right now. I feel like I just care too much about other people, and others don't care about me. I try to do everything possible to help other people, but I can't save them. And when they seem to be fading away and they don't even care... what am I supposed to do then? I can't just let go and pretend like I don't care. That's how it's always been for me. I care about people and love them unconditionally, and I end up getting hurt every time because people just don't feel the same about me.
I've always been the shoulder to cry on, but I've never had one of my own. I've been on the phone at 3 a.m. on a school night, calming down an upset friend. I've put aside my own feelings to comfort an ex-boyfriend, and ex-best friends who have hurt me beyond words. I've fully forgiven people who kicked me while I was down. I've gotten in trouble with my parents for things I do, yet I feel like it's worth it because I helped someone. Guess not.
The reason I "put up walls" and have trust issues, and simply don't tell people my true feelings is because so many times before, they've been brushed off like they were nothing. I told one of my friends my dad had choked my mom the night before, and she simply said "Oh, that sucks." and continued telling me about her boyfriend. I told my friend about my dad being a drug addict, and she later held it against me and made fun of me for it. I told my ex about how I was in a mental hospital for eight days after trying to kill myself, and all he said was "Ouch that sucks. You okay?" Maybe I just shouldn't tell anyone anything anymore. It never seems to do fucking any good.
I'm not really upset. I'm just hurt. And disappointed. And exhausted. What's the point in even trying?
I've always been the shoulder to cry on, but I've never had one of my own. I've been on the phone at 3 a.m. on a school night, calming down an upset friend. I've put aside my own feelings to comfort an ex-boyfriend, and ex-best friends who have hurt me beyond words. I've fully forgiven people who kicked me while I was down. I've gotten in trouble with my parents for things I do, yet I feel like it's worth it because I helped someone. Guess not.
The reason I "put up walls" and have trust issues, and simply don't tell people my true feelings is because so many times before, they've been brushed off like they were nothing. I told one of my friends my dad had choked my mom the night before, and she simply said "Oh, that sucks." and continued telling me about her boyfriend. I told my friend about my dad being a drug addict, and she later held it against me and made fun of me for it. I told my ex about how I was in a mental hospital for eight days after trying to kill myself, and all he said was "Ouch that sucks. You okay?" Maybe I just shouldn't tell anyone anything anymore. It never seems to do fucking any good.
I'm not really upset. I'm just hurt. And disappointed. And exhausted. What's the point in even trying?