Wibble
I am going into hospital on Friday for more surgery. This will be my ninth. I thought it was my 8th but I have been assured by my pre-med assessment Dr that this will indeed be number 9. Its a sad state of affairs when you forget how many ops you have had.
So, I am obviously used to surgery, so why am I so bloody scared this time. My surgeon is trying something new as well as doing the usual. He says that whilst I am out he is going to inject my pelvis with a local anaesthetic and pick off some of my nerves. The way he described it sounded like he was going to be doing this with his teeth and nails. I have been assured that medical instruments will be used however. The reason for my fear is that although he says this is a new technique, it does sound similar to something call a LUNA. This is where they cut the nerves in your pelvis in order to help pelvic pain. The stuff I have read about it is not good. It didn't help most women and in a significant number it made the pain worse.
I am at a point where I cannot cope with the pain that I have now. The thought of it being worse terrifies me. I see no point in living a life where the pain is unbearable 24/7. As it is now the pain is bad, very bad. I am on a huge amount of morphine and various other hideous drugs. The pain is bearable about 40% of the time. The rest of the time its beyond terrible. I know I sound like a drama queen, and I am sorry for that, but it fucking hurts.
I am just having a wibble. And I needed to write it down somewhere because I cannot talk to anyone about this. I am so used to making light of it and telling people I am fine when I really am not. I feel really guilty for complaining and if I get upset about it I am just told its my meds making me feel down. Well, maybe they are, but sometimes I just need to have a good cry about without someone finding another reason for my tears. I cry because I am tired, I hurt, I cry for the things I have lost, the life I have lost...yes I cry because I feel sorry for myself. A crime in this day and age, I know.....but everyone once in a while I need to do it.
I shall now go and have a good cry and a cigarette.
I hope everyone is well....I haven't posted for so long, but I still read your journals.
xx
So, I am obviously used to surgery, so why am I so bloody scared this time. My surgeon is trying something new as well as doing the usual. He says that whilst I am out he is going to inject my pelvis with a local anaesthetic and pick off some of my nerves. The way he described it sounded like he was going to be doing this with his teeth and nails. I have been assured that medical instruments will be used however. The reason for my fear is that although he says this is a new technique, it does sound similar to something call a LUNA. This is where they cut the nerves in your pelvis in order to help pelvic pain. The stuff I have read about it is not good. It didn't help most women and in a significant number it made the pain worse.
I am at a point where I cannot cope with the pain that I have now. The thought of it being worse terrifies me. I see no point in living a life where the pain is unbearable 24/7. As it is now the pain is bad, very bad. I am on a huge amount of morphine and various other hideous drugs. The pain is bearable about 40% of the time. The rest of the time its beyond terrible. I know I sound like a drama queen, and I am sorry for that, but it fucking hurts.
I am just having a wibble. And I needed to write it down somewhere because I cannot talk to anyone about this. I am so used to making light of it and telling people I am fine when I really am not. I feel really guilty for complaining and if I get upset about it I am just told its my meds making me feel down. Well, maybe they are, but sometimes I just need to have a good cry about without someone finding another reason for my tears. I cry because I am tired, I hurt, I cry for the things I have lost, the life I have lost...yes I cry because I feel sorry for myself. A crime in this day and age, I know.....but everyone once in a while I need to do it.
I shall now go and have a good cry and a cigarette.
I hope everyone is well....I haven't posted for so long, but I still read your journals.
xx