Futureperfekt.
It takes a lot to realize where you're finally placed in life. Equating all of your miseries and heartbreak together to find the answer to where you stand now. It's brutality is endless and unbearable.
I'm never sure where to begin with anything. It's always been this decadent macabre of a perfect mess; mistake; moment. Like a stylized murder, and a siganture move of the creature inside. Some things just don't disappear. They don't leave. And I'll be honest in saying that i enjoy it. The feeling it instills in the oddest way of being alive.
And you know..i can still see him there in every motion. With every breath i take i can still feel the sting of the toxicity that lingers under every memory.
Enveloping myself into the one place i know where i could never get hurt by any one person, i feel safe. It's the only place that truly keeps me sane. Unfortunately, the time to be at this place comes never soon enough. Juno Beach; A gloomy as fuck night, with the grayest overcast sky, lighting in the far distance illuminating the entire coast, lighting up every dark corner of the sky for one brief second of assurance. The light rumble of thunder far away..and a light mist of the gentle icy rain upon my cheeks, hiding every tear. VNV Nation blareing through my headphones, and a cigarette as i sit on the cold, wet sand.. Stareing out into that ocean; into that sky. The perfect night. It's the only thing that's ever been able to clear my mind, and ease my senses. The only thing that's saved me from myself. And without it, I'd be a dead woman..you can take my word on that.
Yet..even though it keeps me safe from deadly thoughts..they still penetrate through the barriers. Every thought of Mike, every emotion, passion..every thought of Gabe that keeps me in wonderment and sorrow. I'm torn now. Listening to each thought as i sit there, how each synthetic sound from VNV screams the pain; each crashing of the waves coincides and follows each devestating beat, the silent illumination of the lighting comes to life and dances with the music, shrouding the world in this feeling, comming to life and speaking volumes to only me in this moment. How Ronans voice echos through my mind and spills into the spaces around me. How i no longer need words to explain my emotions, but the scenery and sounds stand there for me. It's the most amazing feeling really. To put yourself there in this place of mine and feel completely in tune with yourself..to feel sane for once and understood. To just feel...completed. To find comfort in the sand and ocean. The beauty in the gloomiest of skies, and darkest of emotions. To sense the beauty in the pain you've drowned yourself in. And be at peace with it..accepting and fianlly understanding. Even though you know that when you leave this place, you'll only be subjected to the pain once more.
I'm never sure where to begin with anything. It's always been this decadent macabre of a perfect mess; mistake; moment. Like a stylized murder, and a siganture move of the creature inside. Some things just don't disappear. They don't leave. And I'll be honest in saying that i enjoy it. The feeling it instills in the oddest way of being alive.
And you know..i can still see him there in every motion. With every breath i take i can still feel the sting of the toxicity that lingers under every memory.
Enveloping myself into the one place i know where i could never get hurt by any one person, i feel safe. It's the only place that truly keeps me sane. Unfortunately, the time to be at this place comes never soon enough. Juno Beach; A gloomy as fuck night, with the grayest overcast sky, lighting in the far distance illuminating the entire coast, lighting up every dark corner of the sky for one brief second of assurance. The light rumble of thunder far away..and a light mist of the gentle icy rain upon my cheeks, hiding every tear. VNV Nation blareing through my headphones, and a cigarette as i sit on the cold, wet sand.. Stareing out into that ocean; into that sky. The perfect night. It's the only thing that's ever been able to clear my mind, and ease my senses. The only thing that's saved me from myself. And without it, I'd be a dead woman..you can take my word on that.
Yet..even though it keeps me safe from deadly thoughts..they still penetrate through the barriers. Every thought of Mike, every emotion, passion..every thought of Gabe that keeps me in wonderment and sorrow. I'm torn now. Listening to each thought as i sit there, how each synthetic sound from VNV screams the pain; each crashing of the waves coincides and follows each devestating beat, the silent illumination of the lighting comes to life and dances with the music, shrouding the world in this feeling, comming to life and speaking volumes to only me in this moment. How Ronans voice echos through my mind and spills into the spaces around me. How i no longer need words to explain my emotions, but the scenery and sounds stand there for me. It's the most amazing feeling really. To put yourself there in this place of mine and feel completely in tune with yourself..to feel sane for once and understood. To just feel...completed. To find comfort in the sand and ocean. The beauty in the gloomiest of skies, and darkest of emotions. To sense the beauty in the pain you've drowned yourself in. And be at peace with it..accepting and fianlly understanding. Even though you know that when you leave this place, you'll only be subjected to the pain once more.