the end of my first chapter in seattle
i moved to seattle...hoping for a breakthrough. in my happiness, connection with nature, fulfilling relationships, becoming more established in the music scene...and i didn't really find it. am i to blame? granted, i did move here during a tough period of the pandemic & now they say the economy...and i worked really hard to make sure i didn't sink...and it kinda consumed my experience. other than the mileage on my car, my work situation turned out to be great...but night after night, and morning after morning i was in an empty bed, wondering how the hell i got here & what the hell i was doing. sorta bittersweet...to realize in my 2 years here, my happiest memories were with angelika...the very person i thought i was running from
i was running from everyone & everything i had known coming here...to the farthest point north possible. i thought it'd be cool to be that close to canada...burned, fined 500 dollars for crossing the border with cbd gummies. i thought it'd be cool to be within range of portland...just a smaller, more depressed version of seattle
the people here are interesting...part midwest, part tech, part social justice warrior, part hippy...the goth, drag, edm & spiritual events are what i thought made this place so special. now i find myself dreading the thought of them. i don't know what i was expecting, something really progressive...and sure it kinda is, but for some reason i just can't fully resonate with the vibe. at least not without someone a little more like me to experience it with. is that person here without angelika? maybe...and maybe i'm just too exhausted to find out. i feel like i tried just about everything...and did i end up finding even one? not really. kinda crazy
so now i'm thinking of going back to vegas...are my people there? i know one is. before her did i find anyone more like me? perhaps in the familiarity of the southwest culture that i come from. i moved to san francisco to find something new & better, and now seattle...and for some reason it's just hard to feel completely comfortable in these northern territories. yes they are beautiful, but something's missing & it's hard to place. something about when i return to the southwest, whether it's the desert or the beaches, that just feels like home to me. yes it's hot there, yes there's a lack of seasons...but maybe that's ok
it's crazy to think how unhappy i felt i was in vegas. i just convinced myself i hated it there & wanted nothing to do with it. even though i was elated when i first moved to vegas. when i first moved to seattle, it was cool, but for some reason i had an idea it must be full of night spots & a town center the way vegas was. turns out, if there's no event of interest at night, you're kinda stuck staring at a lake. while in vegas, it was really exciting at first. it was just that it was followed by the shooting, and my ex going into a psychotic break...i withdrew into a negative headspace. then when i got into a relationship with angelika, she was just releasing all my triggers. i probably could have had more compassion around what she & i were both going thru, having just got out of traumatic relationships. i learned a lot from my time away from her, about myself & about what really matters in life
i'd like to explore more, maybe live abroad at some point. but not sure i'd do it alone, unless i really, really knew the place inside out & knew i loved it. i had only really been to seattle twice before i decided to move...crazy. it turned out right, at least in the sense that i was supported throughout my experience. but maybe a job & money aren't everything. i think it's the people you have in your life that really make the difference. that's hard for me to accept...a part of me really wants to fight for how much the place matters. all i know is if the place does matter, it might not be seattle
sorry about it