my christmas
i now feel so much sympathy towards so many people having a hard time in their lives. i used to criticize and judge them all as if i was any better. but on an inner level, it was just a precursor of events that would go terribly wrong for me too. it's again, basically all an ego problem that manifests into a physical ailment. i watched roy in the worst shape i've seen him yet. he had a stroke from not taking care of his diabetes and now may have a mental problem on top of everything else. he doesn't take care of it basically because he doesn't care about himself and he's depressed and lonely, and feels like he is not enough. i feel these things all the time as well and always have. i watched him get up for a beer even after he had the stroke and was barely able to function with his physical and motor skills, the very thing that put him in that condition to begin with. he doesn't know how to stop doing bad things to himself. just like i don't know how to stop smoking...i want it so bad, so often. even if it means i might lose a lung. what makes me act in this irrational and self destructive way? it's the same thing that makes him behave his way. he can't stop judging himself. someone might see a drinking problem on the surface or a man who doesn't know how to take care of his diabetes, but it's basically just a problem he has with being happy with who he is as a person. he can't see that his being hard on himself is killing him in mental and physical ways, he doesn't know that his ego is and always has been his one and only source of suffering. and if i were younger, i would judge him for it. but now that i have been thru it myself i know that it is not just his problem, it is the whole world's problem in many different ways, including my own. i am thankful for all the pain and confusion i am going thru because i can now feel empathy towards people, just like myself, who are struggling with themselves on a day to day basis and do not know how to do something good for themselves, which is really doing something to benefit everyone. this christmas was a wonderful learning experience for me and there were many suprises in it. though i wasn't too suprised about the suprises because i knew that they would be there because it was not something i was looking forward to. and now i know that whenever i am expecting something to be bad but i go and stay present anyways, it always, always turns out to be something WONDERFUL and life changing. and it will always be this way. i have nothing to regret, and nothing to dread for the rest of my life, it will all be towards finding my connection and peace and happiness and fulfillment and ultimately, my oneness, with god, which we all are a part of.