Heart Broken? Sad? Jeff Doesn't do These Things

[zombiemagic]

I haven't written since the end of school there is a simple answer to why. I haven't wanted to. And I have been pretty busy but more the first. Now I do cause I'm lost in my emotions. I don't usually have problems with things like these but I'm overwhelmed right now mostly because of a certain one and only ex girlfriend. I completely stopped talking to her for numberous reasons mostly because she isn't the same person that I dated last year and I don't like who she has become. She acted different when I hung out with her alone than when I hung out with her in a group the one on one person was really cool and it was the "old her" in a group she is loud, obnoxious, inconsiderate, and well a party girl hence the "new her". Anyway I just keep hearing things about stuff shes been doing and who she has been doing and its just really hard to grasp that I let that happen. It feels like I've failed because shes not a good person anymore. It feels worse because I've tried to make her see what shes doing to herself and people that cared about her but she didn't want to change. She didn't care that she was hurting people at least not enough to do anything about it.I just can't get over the fact that I loved her and did everything for her and she changed so much so fast that it makes me feel like I'm the cause or I was holding her back in some way or that I made her in some way like this. And my attempts to help her become the the person that she once was failed. On top of all of that I've been disconnected from a few of my friends through either minor arguements or something stupid like that and it tears me apart because I miss them and can't find the strength to try and patch it up cause I am stubborn. I've been busy all summer with work but today I've been really lonely and this topic(s) have been eating at me I just unblocked my ex on AIM and I don't know what I want to happen out of that but I don't think I want to start talking to her but I think I want to know that shes alive and not on the street somewhere. Shes still my baby shes still the only person I've ever loved and I don't want to let go of that no matter how much I know its better off that way I can't let go I can never let go I want to let go. I need to follow Steve and go away somewhere. Get away from this place so I'm not thinking about it non stop all the time I need to keep away from these 2 towns and just relax and just not worry about this shit. Tonight was the saddest I've been since my dog died I wanted to cry but I couldn't I just couldn't cry for some reason I just need to get away and I'm asking right now whos with me I'm leaving either Tuesday night or Wednesday morning I don't know where but I need to get away.

"How come we dont even talk no more
And you dont even call no more
We dont barely keep in touch at all
And I dont even feel the same love when we hug no more
And I heard it through the grape vine we even beefin' now
After all the years we been down
Aint no way no how, this bullshit can't be true
We family aint a damn thing changed, unless it's you!"
- How Come, D12