Fault: Fear of Phones.
I hate phones. Not the phones themselves, the case and wires and plug, but talking on phones. I even duck calls from my best friend, which can irritate her to no end. I'm not sure why this is, but I have my theories.
As a child I had an inexplicable speech impediment. At first we thought it was because of ear inflections I had as a toddler, but that isn't correct, according to my mom now. She has no idea why I couldn't say my Rs and Ls and Ws and Os correctly. There are still some words I have to think about when I say them, such as world and wolf and the name Don. I tend to avoid problem words as much as possible. I still slip and sound like Elmer Fudd occasionally. I try to pass it off as endearing, but really I admit I'm fooling myself.
Now imagine a fat, shy kid with mangled speech. I still lack a lot of the social skills usually learned in school. Instead of interacting and learning how to be friendly and social and witty, I learned to hold my speech in my head instead of blurting out this painful mess of slurred vowels and dropped consonants. Years of hearing "Say party! Say party!" took their toll. I became someone who has a great deal of difficult speaking up for herself, even in situations where I really, really should have, and kick myself now for being so taciturn. The spoken word holds so much power to me. If I can't say it aloud, then I can't really mean it. By the same token, if I CAN say something aloud, then I really DO mean it, even in chitchat.
I spent a lot of time by myself then, as a child, reading, writing, working on art. I also developed a habit of writing scripts in my head. I would take a situation and work it over and over until I had every line perfect. When the situation came to pass, of course the other person doesn't follow the script I already made in my head, and it leaves me speechless. I don't know what to say, how to react. I freeze, and start the process of screening all my words again in my head. I WILL lose in any given argument.
Once, at 17 I think I was, I met up with a local Portishead fan I had met online. We went to Chicago to see Man of La Mancha, got lost in Little Mexico, and basically had what should have been a good time dragged down further and further by his sulkiness and impatience. I didn't know why he was getting this attitude, but it was uncomfortable. He sent me an email the next day telling me I was a lousy conversationist and that he wasn't going to bother talking to me anymore. By the way, fuck you, John, since I never got to say it to you in person. Funny coming from someone whose nick was "Mute".
So, when I get down to actually talking to someone, I don't know what to say. I can make a few minutes of chitchat with a customer because it's completely impersonal, but when it comes down to one-on-one with me, it always starts painfully. Even people I talk to a lot online say I'm shy on the phone. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I'd rather talk to you in person, awkward as it may be, or better yet, online. I don't have these problems online. I can babble on and on and on. Call me up, though, and I'd be racking my brain to find something to say. It doesn't come naturally to me. It's not so bad once the ice has broken, but until then...it's a lot of work to break through.
As a child I had an inexplicable speech impediment. At first we thought it was because of ear inflections I had as a toddler, but that isn't correct, according to my mom now. She has no idea why I couldn't say my Rs and Ls and Ws and Os correctly. There are still some words I have to think about when I say them, such as world and wolf and the name Don. I tend to avoid problem words as much as possible. I still slip and sound like Elmer Fudd occasionally. I try to pass it off as endearing, but really I admit I'm fooling myself.
Now imagine a fat, shy kid with mangled speech. I still lack a lot of the social skills usually learned in school. Instead of interacting and learning how to be friendly and social and witty, I learned to hold my speech in my head instead of blurting out this painful mess of slurred vowels and dropped consonants. Years of hearing "Say party! Say party!" took their toll. I became someone who has a great deal of difficult speaking up for herself, even in situations where I really, really should have, and kick myself now for being so taciturn. The spoken word holds so much power to me. If I can't say it aloud, then I can't really mean it. By the same token, if I CAN say something aloud, then I really DO mean it, even in chitchat.
I spent a lot of time by myself then, as a child, reading, writing, working on art. I also developed a habit of writing scripts in my head. I would take a situation and work it over and over until I had every line perfect. When the situation came to pass, of course the other person doesn't follow the script I already made in my head, and it leaves me speechless. I don't know what to say, how to react. I freeze, and start the process of screening all my words again in my head. I WILL lose in any given argument.
Once, at 17 I think I was, I met up with a local Portishead fan I had met online. We went to Chicago to see Man of La Mancha, got lost in Little Mexico, and basically had what should have been a good time dragged down further and further by his sulkiness and impatience. I didn't know why he was getting this attitude, but it was uncomfortable. He sent me an email the next day telling me I was a lousy conversationist and that he wasn't going to bother talking to me anymore. By the way, fuck you, John, since I never got to say it to you in person. Funny coming from someone whose nick was "Mute".
So, when I get down to actually talking to someone, I don't know what to say. I can make a few minutes of chitchat with a customer because it's completely impersonal, but when it comes down to one-on-one with me, it always starts painfully. Even people I talk to a lot online say I'm shy on the phone. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I'd rather talk to you in person, awkward as it may be, or better yet, online. I don't have these problems online. I can babble on and on and on. Call me up, though, and I'd be racking my brain to find something to say. It doesn't come naturally to me. It's not so bad once the ice has broken, but until then...it's a lot of work to break through.