(no subject)
When I was a child my mother despaired of me. In department stores, I would hide inside the circular racks. It was my own space for that short time. My mother would become frantic when she couldn't see me and I would come out grudgingly when she called.
My search for sanctuary never ended.
Older, but still a child, my mother and I watched the movie "The Quiet Earth". It struck a chord in me--everyone disappears, there's only about 4 people left. They end up killing each other, but that's not important right now. I liked the idea of a quiet earth. Much of my adolescence and teenagehood were spent of contemplation of the ultimate privacy. I constructed a fantasy world in my head. Technology still worked, water still pumped, food never spoiled, even though there was no one but me. This is the one time I'd want to be in a city. The exploring that could be done would feed me for years, fulfill my natural curiosity about things. The books--oh, the books--that I could consume. They would keep me company instead, and never judge me, never hurt me, never rape me and brand me a liar and crush me. No one telling me what to do or screaming at me. The quiet, the blessed quiet. I wanted this so badly I would dream of it. Variations. Some I was in the city, some I was at my school. Usually I was alone, but occasionally I'd let one other person in. No one in particular, just a lone companion, a friend and perhaps a lover, someone who bonded with me and wasn't hurtful like the adults and other kids were. Whenever I was upset, I would retreat to this inner world.
As I grew older, I started thinking of ways to incorporate this into my real life. I found out Wyoming has the lowest ratio of people. I wanted to move there, or the wilds of Canada or Alaska where I was still within driving distance of civilization but still on my own, private, as well. A non-political separatist.
If there is a heaven, this would be mine. I don't want to hobnob. I never have. I make the occasional foray into a public arena like the gay club, but there are few I can appreciate. I still hide at home, my own personal sanctuary now. I can disappear whenever I want to. And I will, occasionally. Submerge myself in other things and take a time-out from the rest of the world. I NEED that. I don't know how to survive without that anymore.
My search for sanctuary never ended.
Older, but still a child, my mother and I watched the movie "The Quiet Earth". It struck a chord in me--everyone disappears, there's only about 4 people left. They end up killing each other, but that's not important right now. I liked the idea of a quiet earth. Much of my adolescence and teenagehood were spent of contemplation of the ultimate privacy. I constructed a fantasy world in my head. Technology still worked, water still pumped, food never spoiled, even though there was no one but me. This is the one time I'd want to be in a city. The exploring that could be done would feed me for years, fulfill my natural curiosity about things. The books--oh, the books--that I could consume. They would keep me company instead, and never judge me, never hurt me, never rape me and brand me a liar and crush me. No one telling me what to do or screaming at me. The quiet, the blessed quiet. I wanted this so badly I would dream of it. Variations. Some I was in the city, some I was at my school. Usually I was alone, but occasionally I'd let one other person in. No one in particular, just a lone companion, a friend and perhaps a lover, someone who bonded with me and wasn't hurtful like the adults and other kids were. Whenever I was upset, I would retreat to this inner world.
As I grew older, I started thinking of ways to incorporate this into my real life. I found out Wyoming has the lowest ratio of people. I wanted to move there, or the wilds of Canada or Alaska where I was still within driving distance of civilization but still on my own, private, as well. A non-political separatist.
If there is a heaven, this would be mine. I don't want to hobnob. I never have. I make the occasional foray into a public arena like the gay club, but there are few I can appreciate. I still hide at home, my own personal sanctuary now. I can disappear whenever I want to. And I will, occasionally. Submerge myself in other things and take a time-out from the rest of the world. I NEED that. I don't know how to survive without that anymore.