.....Man I am a fuck head....
...despite what Zach says. I feel horrible. But my heart is a complete wreck right now and I am no good to him in this condition, no good to anybody. There are so many things I still need to work out with myself. So many unhealed wounds. I have made myself physically ill from crying so damn much. I hurt so bad. I need answers and that's what I am trying to get.
Zach says he understands, he wants to be my friend, and he'll be okay when I am okay. I hope he can be okay sooner than that. My heart is a complete mess right now. Love, my friends, love is a mother-fucker, eh? (what movie is that from?) I am so happy to have him in my life. But I feel so bad for what I have done. I was so sure I wouldn't do this, but what I neglected to tell myself was that I know that I am nowhere near healed. Or not even healed, I'm nowhere near knowing what's what and I need to know everything. What sucks most is that in some situations, all you have to rely on is your own intuitions. You hear one thing from someone, something completely different from someone else and you have to ask yourself who you are going to trust. Trust. I don't even sometimes trust myself anymore. I feel like such an asshole right now. I'm so completely fucked in the head.
I just want to know what's what. I just need to know things. And if these things can't be found out short of a polygraph, then I guess I just have to trust myself enough to decide what I believe.
Please, no one hate me for what I have done. Or you can, I most likely deserve it.
Zach says he understands, he wants to be my friend, and he'll be okay when I am okay. I hope he can be okay sooner than that. My heart is a complete mess right now. Love, my friends, love is a mother-fucker, eh? (what movie is that from?) I am so happy to have him in my life. But I feel so bad for what I have done. I was so sure I wouldn't do this, but what I neglected to tell myself was that I know that I am nowhere near healed. Or not even healed, I'm nowhere near knowing what's what and I need to know everything. What sucks most is that in some situations, all you have to rely on is your own intuitions. You hear one thing from someone, something completely different from someone else and you have to ask yourself who you are going to trust. Trust. I don't even sometimes trust myself anymore. I feel like such an asshole right now. I'm so completely fucked in the head.
I just want to know what's what. I just need to know things. And if these things can't be found out short of a polygraph, then I guess I just have to trust myself enough to decide what I believe.
Please, no one hate me for what I have done. Or you can, I most likely deserve it.