Still Confused
I haven't figured it out, yet. I guess, for the most part I am pretty good at keeping my work and not work time pretty well separated. In line with this type of thinking, I seem to be in a good mood at work, but as soon as I get home, I crash. It is so weird this week. I just simply crash. My mood plummets as soon as I walk through the door.
Of course, it makes perfect sense. Work is fine; after being gone for two weeks, all of my work was reassigned to others in the department for completion. No other way, really (especially when you are feeling lonely and depressed) to remind you that the world can easily do without you. That all the hard, obsessive-compulsive behaviors that make you great at your job don't make a difference. Someone else climbing up the great corporate ladder can easily replace you at a moment's notice. But, I've been doing fine there because that thought process has been going on for awhile now.
I am trying to analyze my way out of this. Step one would therefore be complete. Work and home are essentially separated. Work is for the most part fine -at the moment. Something is going on at home.
Next; so what is going on at home? Well, OK. So I went to New Mexico (AKA home) for a family emergency. You don't quite realize how important family is, until something like this happens. I was having panic attacks or a heart attack which set me on the decision to go home. Step two, panic or heart attack? See doctor. AlHamdu LiAlLLah, saw the doctor before I left and he stated that it is a perfectly normal bodily reaction to immense stress to have panic attacks. Good, go do what I need to do. When I return, get bloodwork to make me feel better; if it continues, see therapist. Still continues; then we talk about medication.
I am considering this blog as my therapy. I am psychoanalytical, why can't I just psychoanalyze myself? Onward.
I get home and call Mom; goes well, even talk to Dad, doing ok. I can't blame it on that. I have just been feeling so lonely, just drowning in loneliness.
Is there really nothing for me but to sit and watch Sex and the City every night? Episode after missed episode about women with a life? I want to go out. I am sick of being married and alone. It is certainly not that I don't like my husband. But even when we are together, we fall into that inevitable rut of 'finally we get time together, so lets stay hermits and go nowhere' which translates to 'sit here and catch up on digital video recordings that we didn't get a chance to watch all week'. Feeling pathetic. OK so that having been said, we've identified one problem. The DVR is being returned on Saturday. I am tired of wasting my life on TV. Granted, I like The Office, Sex and the City, Pimp My Ride, Medium, Dr. Phil, Oprah, CSI (yes, all of them); I just don't have enough time to keep up with the world and I never needed to before, so that's that.
Next - why am I feeling so alone and confused? Well I think feeling alone has to do with security and being confused equates with a loss of control; but coming from where?
We'll start with security. What do I need to feel secure? I need to know my family and friends are safe. My family was not safe and I went home. When I went, my family here became not safe. The problem is that I had told him for a month that his Jeep wasn't firing up right. I need his vehicle to work properly in case mine doesn't = security for me. Then his finally quit starting...so it was dropped off at the machanic's the day I flew home and he was to drive mine. I got a call from him a couple of days later. He said now my truck was dying out while he was driving. Here I was in New Mexico and he was in Pennsylvania and I couldn't do anything about it except try to deal with what I was trying to accomplish at home and now try to fix this. I contacted an online friend in Texas who helped.
Crisis diverted, temporarily. He dropped off my truck at the mechanic over the weekend. Over the next week my truck was fixed while I was still away, somewhat. At least driveable when I returned. A part was replaced and the idle was set a bit higher so it wouldn't actually die out. But the problem is that I need the truck to shoot a wedding two weekends from now, and I don't get off the damn train to get it to the shop to have the idle and problem adjusted to work right.
I called my friends (totaling - two = the two friends I think I have) the day before I flew home to ask if it would be ok to call when the plane got in to deliver some souveniers. It was good, but when the plane came in and I called, neither answered, or returned my calls.
I tried again the next day and was supposed to receive a call back in the afternoon. I don't know, I guess I thought these things were neat and thoughtful. I feel like an idiot. I never got a call back. I am so stupid. I felt like I was in high school again, somehow. Putting my life on hold, waiting for someone to call. whether I should feel that way or not is not being disputed. It is just the way I felt. Feelings are feelings whether they are justified or not; they just are.
Decided to go food shopping with hubby and when we got home I needed to go buy a pitcher for iced tea. Confirmed with hubby that he would be starting on supper for a nice evening together and I would help finish with making the iced tea. Problem was that when I returned, he was on the computer instead. This coupled with my friends not returning my calls and somehow I ended up in some black abyss crying on the couch with my bewildered husband crouching at my feet trying to determne what was happening. When my husband tried to come to my rescue, I explained how I was feeling. I told him I know he should be enough, but I was so excited to give my presents and was now feeling like an ass because I was lonely. He is great, he said he understood I need friends, too. It didn't help, I just felt more stupid and idiotic.
Top it off by saying that my husband's aunt had surgery two days after I returned and I offered assistance with his 83 year old grandmother. All the time worried that the truck would stall out while I was driving her around. Got past that day.
I just miss having someone to hang out with. I am lonely and afraid. That's all there really is to it. Why do we choose friends that don't choose us? I am desperate to have friends and I am certain it must show. And I am a married woman with no kids. Am I doomed to a life of loneliness because I decided not to have kids? What a crock of shit. It is so unfair. Nobody married wants to have anything to do with us because we don't have a 'family'. It really sucks. Most people who don't have kids are single or we can't find them. If they are single, they certainly don't want to hang out. Christ, it's not like I want an affair or even sex; I just want a friend. Is that too much to ask? Really? I am tired of trying to force people to like me. I don't understand why no one wants to. What am I doing wrong besides acting pathetic and desperate while I put on a facade of happiness?
So that's what I was going through today as my truck was stalling out. My panic attacks are nearly back. They had been resolved. Without my husband here, I am fending for myself and I can't do that, either. I don't have anyone to borrow a car from and the shop closes at six. I can't even make it to the shop by the time I get off the train and it's not fair to ask the shop to work on it on the weekend. Everyone needs time off to do what they want to do.
I dissolve into a puddle of tears and panic while driving to go sit by the river and try to calm down. The gears in my head just won't stop.
I am trying to round up a ride back and forth to the train station so I can get the truck to the shop before the wedding. I may have to end up renting a car. It has to be best just to do it. A wedding I am shooting for nothing will once again, end up costing me money. I think this is the last one I will do. I'm done with it. I don't have a digital camera yet, so it costs me more in film than I charge. I am simply not a $1,000.00 or $2,000.00 photographer, so I charge so much less. I enjoy editing the photos on the computer, but it takes me a month to do it. This dream is done. The photography is over.
I think I figured it out. I will rent the car for the wedding, wait to be stranded by my truck in the interim, stop calling people that don't call me back, stop inviting people out with me that never call for me to go anywhere with them or their friends. Grow up, Sheila. You are desperate, lonely and afraid.
Like it and move on; or just move on.
Of course, it makes perfect sense. Work is fine; after being gone for two weeks, all of my work was reassigned to others in the department for completion. No other way, really (especially when you are feeling lonely and depressed) to remind you that the world can easily do without you. That all the hard, obsessive-compulsive behaviors that make you great at your job don't make a difference. Someone else climbing up the great corporate ladder can easily replace you at a moment's notice. But, I've been doing fine there because that thought process has been going on for awhile now.
I am trying to analyze my way out of this. Step one would therefore be complete. Work and home are essentially separated. Work is for the most part fine -at the moment. Something is going on at home.
Next; so what is going on at home? Well, OK. So I went to New Mexico (AKA home) for a family emergency. You don't quite realize how important family is, until something like this happens. I was having panic attacks or a heart attack which set me on the decision to go home. Step two, panic or heart attack? See doctor. AlHamdu LiAlLLah, saw the doctor before I left and he stated that it is a perfectly normal bodily reaction to immense stress to have panic attacks. Good, go do what I need to do. When I return, get bloodwork to make me feel better; if it continues, see therapist. Still continues; then we talk about medication.
I am considering this blog as my therapy. I am psychoanalytical, why can't I just psychoanalyze myself? Onward.
I get home and call Mom; goes well, even talk to Dad, doing ok. I can't blame it on that. I have just been feeling so lonely, just drowning in loneliness.
Is there really nothing for me but to sit and watch Sex and the City every night? Episode after missed episode about women with a life? I want to go out. I am sick of being married and alone. It is certainly not that I don't like my husband. But even when we are together, we fall into that inevitable rut of 'finally we get time together, so lets stay hermits and go nowhere' which translates to 'sit here and catch up on digital video recordings that we didn't get a chance to watch all week'. Feeling pathetic. OK so that having been said, we've identified one problem. The DVR is being returned on Saturday. I am tired of wasting my life on TV. Granted, I like The Office, Sex and the City, Pimp My Ride, Medium, Dr. Phil, Oprah, CSI (yes, all of them); I just don't have enough time to keep up with the world and I never needed to before, so that's that.
Next - why am I feeling so alone and confused? Well I think feeling alone has to do with security and being confused equates with a loss of control; but coming from where?
We'll start with security. What do I need to feel secure? I need to know my family and friends are safe. My family was not safe and I went home. When I went, my family here became not safe. The problem is that I had told him for a month that his Jeep wasn't firing up right. I need his vehicle to work properly in case mine doesn't = security for me. Then his finally quit starting...so it was dropped off at the machanic's the day I flew home and he was to drive mine. I got a call from him a couple of days later. He said now my truck was dying out while he was driving. Here I was in New Mexico and he was in Pennsylvania and I couldn't do anything about it except try to deal with what I was trying to accomplish at home and now try to fix this. I contacted an online friend in Texas who helped.
Crisis diverted, temporarily. He dropped off my truck at the mechanic over the weekend. Over the next week my truck was fixed while I was still away, somewhat. At least driveable when I returned. A part was replaced and the idle was set a bit higher so it wouldn't actually die out. But the problem is that I need the truck to shoot a wedding two weekends from now, and I don't get off the damn train to get it to the shop to have the idle and problem adjusted to work right.
I called my friends (totaling - two = the two friends I think I have) the day before I flew home to ask if it would be ok to call when the plane got in to deliver some souveniers. It was good, but when the plane came in and I called, neither answered, or returned my calls.
I tried again the next day and was supposed to receive a call back in the afternoon. I don't know, I guess I thought these things were neat and thoughtful. I feel like an idiot. I never got a call back. I am so stupid. I felt like I was in high school again, somehow. Putting my life on hold, waiting for someone to call. whether I should feel that way or not is not being disputed. It is just the way I felt. Feelings are feelings whether they are justified or not; they just are.
Decided to go food shopping with hubby and when we got home I needed to go buy a pitcher for iced tea. Confirmed with hubby that he would be starting on supper for a nice evening together and I would help finish with making the iced tea. Problem was that when I returned, he was on the computer instead. This coupled with my friends not returning my calls and somehow I ended up in some black abyss crying on the couch with my bewildered husband crouching at my feet trying to determne what was happening. When my husband tried to come to my rescue, I explained how I was feeling. I told him I know he should be enough, but I was so excited to give my presents and was now feeling like an ass because I was lonely. He is great, he said he understood I need friends, too. It didn't help, I just felt more stupid and idiotic.
Top it off by saying that my husband's aunt had surgery two days after I returned and I offered assistance with his 83 year old grandmother. All the time worried that the truck would stall out while I was driving her around. Got past that day.
I just miss having someone to hang out with. I am lonely and afraid. That's all there really is to it. Why do we choose friends that don't choose us? I am desperate to have friends and I am certain it must show. And I am a married woman with no kids. Am I doomed to a life of loneliness because I decided not to have kids? What a crock of shit. It is so unfair. Nobody married wants to have anything to do with us because we don't have a 'family'. It really sucks. Most people who don't have kids are single or we can't find them. If they are single, they certainly don't want to hang out. Christ, it's not like I want an affair or even sex; I just want a friend. Is that too much to ask? Really? I am tired of trying to force people to like me. I don't understand why no one wants to. What am I doing wrong besides acting pathetic and desperate while I put on a facade of happiness?
So that's what I was going through today as my truck was stalling out. My panic attacks are nearly back. They had been resolved. Without my husband here, I am fending for myself and I can't do that, either. I don't have anyone to borrow a car from and the shop closes at six. I can't even make it to the shop by the time I get off the train and it's not fair to ask the shop to work on it on the weekend. Everyone needs time off to do what they want to do.
I dissolve into a puddle of tears and panic while driving to go sit by the river and try to calm down. The gears in my head just won't stop.
I am trying to round up a ride back and forth to the train station so I can get the truck to the shop before the wedding. I may have to end up renting a car. It has to be best just to do it. A wedding I am shooting for nothing will once again, end up costing me money. I think this is the last one I will do. I'm done with it. I don't have a digital camera yet, so it costs me more in film than I charge. I am simply not a $1,000.00 or $2,000.00 photographer, so I charge so much less. I enjoy editing the photos on the computer, but it takes me a month to do it. This dream is done. The photography is over.
I think I figured it out. I will rent the car for the wedding, wait to be stranded by my truck in the interim, stop calling people that don't call me back, stop inviting people out with me that never call for me to go anywhere with them or their friends. Grow up, Sheila. You are desperate, lonely and afraid.
Like it and move on; or just move on.