Blahh
i just want to be a girl, make myself pretty and not get shit from it. Gosh.
Life would be so much more simple if everyone was open minded. Honestly, there wouldn't be so much need and longing for death if people would just get their heads out of their asses. -.-
Liking someone sounds amazing, but there are just too many faults to me, and falling into the idea of someone "loving me" only hurts me more thinking about it. I've heard it all before the "You're to ________" and it hasn't made me stronger, just bitter. How sad that it's the bad that sticks with us, and not the positive.
I recently got into the idea of dating a Capricorn (my opposite sign ) so i can have someone a bit more stable to lean against, because im to fucking emotional for my own good, so emotional that i feel myself losing my grip on my sanity. I am pretty sure I will drive him up the wall but I hear Capricorns are always in it for the long haul, and I know im sure as fuck in it till death! LOL
I have that feeling of not caring and not interested that im pushing myself to do everything and anything in the hopes of caring, because just staying in one place doesn't help me, but to no luck im just breaking down even more.
I've explained to my friends how i can't live life this way, it's too painful, i suffer every moment, and when my minds finally away from all the negative something happens and im back in it. I try my hardest to just stay happy, or well content, and just push through it all. Since a very young age I have learned to mask my feelings, and i can say masking emotions is my best skill but i can careless to do even that at times.
I also think a Scorpio might provide some stability in my life, someone who's needy and likes attention never hurts.
I wear make up. Simple right? Wrong. Being a boy it brings about looks of disgust, just my natural feminine attitude makes people say things under their breathes and it just annoy's me. A sex change isn't option for me for starters im 6'4 no girl is ever 6'4 EVER. Plus if anything were to ever happen to me I would still be Joshua, not Espuer, or Ariel or whatever girl name I give myself.
Everyone in this city is just annoying sadly, myself included of course, the gays expect so much as if they are worth so much. Ugh. Fem, skinny guys like me dont get much a hook up here and there if my pride let's me. But every guy i have EVER liked always had something negative to say about me i was to girly, too skinny, too clingy, too possessive, too ugly name it i was too much of that for someone. Everyone to some extent disgusts me just because the people on the high horses always need someone like me to spit a river full of acid at them, and break them down past repair.
I love how everyone has "A Type" of person they look for and get disappointed when they can't find him or her. Last I checked Love was ment to be blind, but now a days everyone is so in need of someone with a certain kind of look. Disgusting. I find myself disgusting because I know others dont find me attractive, if other's don't find me attractive, then why should I? Because it'll make me feel good? Ha! that sure isn't the case, and if i work out and become "attractive" then i'll be one of those assholes who talks shit to everybody, shit on your WHOLE life! Aint nobody got time to NOT be bitter. Ugh this generation made me lose a lot of hope in life.
I Just don't see the point in living anymore. At one point it was to find "my other half" at another it was to "better myself" and recently it was to "make sure my friends are happy" and now i can careless for all of the above. Why try? The only reason i still can is because i still am able to feel guilty and thinking about how many people would be hurt by my death keeps me here. I wonder how it will feel to not care anymore, will it feel revealing? Will i feel better? Will I find myself just hollow?
I'm tired of being Joshua, but i guess everyone get tired of being themselves every now and again. The feeling of not wanting to be here, or there or shit just live in general scares me, and of course my friends. I have random break/meltdowns and they will just come from no where, and I just don't know what to do. It's in those moments when the slogan "All Or Nothing" really has meaning in my life because I have to try my hardest to compromise with myself in order to not just take 40 something pills in about a minute. Life has me here. Life isn't even all that hard it's just I could care less, and every and any excuse i can find to sink me closer to death is one ill use. Like the idea of living is costly, that all in itself makes me want to die. I would be one less expensive person do deal with.
But like I said I can still compromise with myself in those positions, but i get scared thinking about a day when i can't. I just need something big and life changing to happen. Become an actor or a model, get a boyfriend (Scorpio or Capricorn) something I just need something to work with. Not "Everyday is another day to do something big" regardless of how true that is I need something BIG to happen to me where i smile from the bottom of my heart and want to live once more.
Life would be so much more simple if everyone was open minded. Honestly, there wouldn't be so much need and longing for death if people would just get their heads out of their asses. -.-
Liking someone sounds amazing, but there are just too many faults to me, and falling into the idea of someone "loving me" only hurts me more thinking about it. I've heard it all before the "You're to ________" and it hasn't made me stronger, just bitter. How sad that it's the bad that sticks with us, and not the positive.
I recently got into the idea of dating a Capricorn (my opposite sign ) so i can have someone a bit more stable to lean against, because im to fucking emotional for my own good, so emotional that i feel myself losing my grip on my sanity. I am pretty sure I will drive him up the wall but I hear Capricorns are always in it for the long haul, and I know im sure as fuck in it till death! LOL
I have that feeling of not caring and not interested that im pushing myself to do everything and anything in the hopes of caring, because just staying in one place doesn't help me, but to no luck im just breaking down even more.
I've explained to my friends how i can't live life this way, it's too painful, i suffer every moment, and when my minds finally away from all the negative something happens and im back in it. I try my hardest to just stay happy, or well content, and just push through it all. Since a very young age I have learned to mask my feelings, and i can say masking emotions is my best skill but i can careless to do even that at times.
I also think a Scorpio might provide some stability in my life, someone who's needy and likes attention never hurts.
I wear make up. Simple right? Wrong. Being a boy it brings about looks of disgust, just my natural feminine attitude makes people say things under their breathes and it just annoy's me. A sex change isn't option for me for starters im 6'4 no girl is ever 6'4 EVER. Plus if anything were to ever happen to me I would still be Joshua, not Espuer, or Ariel or whatever girl name I give myself.
Everyone in this city is just annoying sadly, myself included of course, the gays expect so much as if they are worth so much. Ugh. Fem, skinny guys like me dont get much a hook up here and there if my pride let's me. But every guy i have EVER liked always had something negative to say about me i was to girly, too skinny, too clingy, too possessive, too ugly name it i was too much of that for someone. Everyone to some extent disgusts me just because the people on the high horses always need someone like me to spit a river full of acid at them, and break them down past repair.
I love how everyone has "A Type" of person they look for and get disappointed when they can't find him or her. Last I checked Love was ment to be blind, but now a days everyone is so in need of someone with a certain kind of look. Disgusting. I find myself disgusting because I know others dont find me attractive, if other's don't find me attractive, then why should I? Because it'll make me feel good? Ha! that sure isn't the case, and if i work out and become "attractive" then i'll be one of those assholes who talks shit to everybody, shit on your WHOLE life! Aint nobody got time to NOT be bitter. Ugh this generation made me lose a lot of hope in life.
I Just don't see the point in living anymore. At one point it was to find "my other half" at another it was to "better myself" and recently it was to "make sure my friends are happy" and now i can careless for all of the above. Why try? The only reason i still can is because i still am able to feel guilty and thinking about how many people would be hurt by my death keeps me here. I wonder how it will feel to not care anymore, will it feel revealing? Will i feel better? Will I find myself just hollow?
I'm tired of being Joshua, but i guess everyone get tired of being themselves every now and again. The feeling of not wanting to be here, or there or shit just live in general scares me, and of course my friends. I have random break/meltdowns and they will just come from no where, and I just don't know what to do. It's in those moments when the slogan "All Or Nothing" really has meaning in my life because I have to try my hardest to compromise with myself in order to not just take 40 something pills in about a minute. Life has me here. Life isn't even all that hard it's just I could care less, and every and any excuse i can find to sink me closer to death is one ill use. Like the idea of living is costly, that all in itself makes me want to die. I would be one less expensive person do deal with.
But like I said I can still compromise with myself in those positions, but i get scared thinking about a day when i can't. I just need something big and life changing to happen. Become an actor or a model, get a boyfriend (Scorpio or Capricorn) something I just need something to work with. Not "Everyday is another day to do something big" regardless of how true that is I need something BIG to happen to me where i smile from the bottom of my heart and want to live once more.