(no subject)
Hello, its been a few days since i have updated. School has been rather hecktic. I have 5 classes, and i like them all! Although i dont know how well im going to take my art class. I am actually going to have to draw a naked model =X. GREAT! >_>
To be honest, i have not been too happy as of late. It just seems like i can't feel who i am anymore. I feel so removed from myself....its disturbing. I dont want to feel this way anymore, i want to fix this. I want to become in tune with myself again. I have been doing alot of thinking, and i have thought that maybe what i need is to get away and just be alone. Alone so i can figure myself out again, to persue my interest and beliefs, and to focus on improving myself.
I realized that in the past when i tried to get space, i really didnt leave. That didnt work out the way i planned it to. In fact, things seemed to explode afterwards. This time, if i do decide to take some space, i will do it for good. Of course this doesnt meen that if anyone needs to talk to me i will brush you off, i would never do that. *sigh* Im just so unhappy with myself, and certain things right now.
I called Andrews house today, but his mom picked up. She didnt seem too happy that i called. Its sad really because after knowing me for 3 years i thought she cared about me more than that. I understand that she is upset with me because of whats happened, and in the end she is looking after her son, but that doesnt meen she has to stop caring about me. Even my mom still cares about Andrew, she misses him in fact. Well, in anycase, i asked her kindly if she would tell him that i called, but i doubt she will give him the message. *sigh* If thats the case, how am i supposed to get a hold of him? He canceled his Xanga, so i can't keep contact with him through that. I do have a few options though, i can 1. Go to his house by either getting a ride from my mom, or taking the bus, which i think i will do as soon as i can 2. write him an e-mail, or snail letter and 3. keep trying to reach him at home. In any case, i want to try and re-build my relationship with him, as friends. It hurts me everyday that we are not in eachothers lives anymore. It really does...I feel terrible more and more eachday knowing that i messed up something really good. *cries* Im such a loser....
Maybe i am stupid, i meen why would Andrew call me that if i wasnt? I have always tried to be the best that i could be, but i have failed. I messed up in one of the worst ways, and its clear to me why. There is no point in thinking highly of yourself, when in reality your just another low life. The only way that i ever feel good, and confident is when i have control, and in this case i have none. I have tried so many times to fix things, but im still at square one with Andrew. Why? Because im no good... Who wants to friends with a low life anyway?
Thats why i want to leave for a while...i just dont like myself right now. I dont, not one bit. Not for anything. For everyone who thinks anything good about me, here are the facts. Im a liar, im conceded, im self centered, im a flake, i manipulate people, im a slut, im stupid, i try too hard, i do fear being alone, im a bitch to my family, i can't commit, im weak, im just all around an ugly person..
And for all these reasons and more i need to leave. Its sad that i work so hard to be the best, and yet im still at square one. At least i have one thing going for me, im still trying.
To be honest, i have not been too happy as of late. It just seems like i can't feel who i am anymore. I feel so removed from myself....its disturbing. I dont want to feel this way anymore, i want to fix this. I want to become in tune with myself again. I have been doing alot of thinking, and i have thought that maybe what i need is to get away and just be alone. Alone so i can figure myself out again, to persue my interest and beliefs, and to focus on improving myself.
I realized that in the past when i tried to get space, i really didnt leave. That didnt work out the way i planned it to. In fact, things seemed to explode afterwards. This time, if i do decide to take some space, i will do it for good. Of course this doesnt meen that if anyone needs to talk to me i will brush you off, i would never do that. *sigh* Im just so unhappy with myself, and certain things right now.
I called Andrews house today, but his mom picked up. She didnt seem too happy that i called. Its sad really because after knowing me for 3 years i thought she cared about me more than that. I understand that she is upset with me because of whats happened, and in the end she is looking after her son, but that doesnt meen she has to stop caring about me. Even my mom still cares about Andrew, she misses him in fact. Well, in anycase, i asked her kindly if she would tell him that i called, but i doubt she will give him the message. *sigh* If thats the case, how am i supposed to get a hold of him? He canceled his Xanga, so i can't keep contact with him through that. I do have a few options though, i can 1. Go to his house by either getting a ride from my mom, or taking the bus, which i think i will do as soon as i can 2. write him an e-mail, or snail letter and 3. keep trying to reach him at home. In any case, i want to try and re-build my relationship with him, as friends. It hurts me everyday that we are not in eachothers lives anymore. It really does...I feel terrible more and more eachday knowing that i messed up something really good. *cries* Im such a loser....
Maybe i am stupid, i meen why would Andrew call me that if i wasnt? I have always tried to be the best that i could be, but i have failed. I messed up in one of the worst ways, and its clear to me why. There is no point in thinking highly of yourself, when in reality your just another low life. The only way that i ever feel good, and confident is when i have control, and in this case i have none. I have tried so many times to fix things, but im still at square one with Andrew. Why? Because im no good... Who wants to friends with a low life anyway?
Thats why i want to leave for a while...i just dont like myself right now. I dont, not one bit. Not for anything. For everyone who thinks anything good about me, here are the facts. Im a liar, im conceded, im self centered, im a flake, i manipulate people, im a slut, im stupid, i try too hard, i do fear being alone, im a bitch to my family, i can't commit, im weak, im just all around an ugly person..
And for all these reasons and more i need to leave. Its sad that i work so hard to be the best, and yet im still at square one. At least i have one thing going for me, im still trying.