one year on
hey all,
one year on. no futher forward.
its one year since Kev and i split up. and i feel like i'm no further forwardthan i was then, if anything further back...cause i wasn't si'ing so regulalrly and certainly not ending up in casualty so often. istill feel in my head hat i am, still there, still not feeling worth anything and no point in life, but i guess my biggest thing was to survive the year.
i feel like i shouldn't feel so crappy about it, as i'm seeing david now...but i do.
i am soooooooooooooooo fat a the moment, i honetly look flippin pregnant! ihave eaten something eevry day since thursday...and i shouldn't (this rule only applys to me...idon't deserve it and i need to get thinner and thinner till i dissapear and not take up any space, cause i don't deserve that either) went over to a's tonight cause felt guilty...didn't want to go, cause getting stressed out with her(though she doesn't know it) as itsconnnnnstantly teh same topic all the time...m her bf, whetehr he's seeng soemone else/shes going to dump him/.shes moving to where he lives and in with him. gabbie and i were talking about it today, and we both find it so hard, and fustrating. in th eend it wasn't too bad as soem friends of hers where there as well.though have had WAY to many calories today...packet of buttons, pasta and vegetables, pint of cider (Well i'm kinda herefordian), 1 shot of vodka and a baileys. fat lucy. evil lucy.
i wantto damage myself so much right now. i need to pnish myself for hurting kevin this time last year. i shouldn;'t have cut cause he sai i wasn't allowed to, i should have just suffered in silence...cause thats how he wanetd it. lauraine said today how i let kev walkall over me,and i need to sort myself out a bit bfpoe i coould have a proper relationship...she doesn'tknow i'm seeing david,cause she knows him...but i guess if i satnd out of situationnow i can see it happening again, like doing what he wants ((yes in that way, and yes still idonb't feel i'm worth enough to say no wen he wants enjoyment). don't wanna fight anymore,don't have the energy. have to pretend i'm ok for so much of the time and i can't do it, but it measn no-one will wanna be with me (even friends) so i shoudl save the many...
i saw Kathy (tutor at uni) today.i have a new deadline for my essay...19th august cause of my wrist. which is stillso painful (but keep takingit out of the support) i also said there was a chance of having to take a year out, shesok with it but coming backdepends on there being a group running, but said there are close links with the MEd. she asked if i enjoyed tehweekend and i said yes though did get very drunk, aparenrty they were all waiting for me to come down to breakfast...but i don't do breakfast!
brought an opposite to emotion cd today, so listening to happy summer songs, cause its meant to help my mood change...nope not working
igot my keys back. feel guilty.
love
lucy
one year on. no futher forward.
its one year since Kev and i split up. and i feel like i'm no further forwardthan i was then, if anything further back...cause i wasn't si'ing so regulalrly and certainly not ending up in casualty so often. istill feel in my head hat i am, still there, still not feeling worth anything and no point in life, but i guess my biggest thing was to survive the year.
i feel like i shouldn't feel so crappy about it, as i'm seeing david now...but i do.
i am soooooooooooooooo fat a the moment, i honetly look flippin pregnant! ihave eaten something eevry day since thursday...and i shouldn't (this rule only applys to me...idon't deserve it and i need to get thinner and thinner till i dissapear and not take up any space, cause i don't deserve that either) went over to a's tonight cause felt guilty...didn't want to go, cause getting stressed out with her(though she doesn't know it) as itsconnnnnstantly teh same topic all the time...m her bf, whetehr he's seeng soemone else/shes going to dump him/.shes moving to where he lives and in with him. gabbie and i were talking about it today, and we both find it so hard, and fustrating. in th eend it wasn't too bad as soem friends of hers where there as well.though have had WAY to many calories today...packet of buttons, pasta and vegetables, pint of cider (Well i'm kinda herefordian), 1 shot of vodka and a baileys. fat lucy. evil lucy.
i wantto damage myself so much right now. i need to pnish myself for hurting kevin this time last year. i shouldn;'t have cut cause he sai i wasn't allowed to, i should have just suffered in silence...cause thats how he wanetd it. lauraine said today how i let kev walkall over me,and i need to sort myself out a bit bfpoe i coould have a proper relationship...she doesn'tknow i'm seeing david,cause she knows him...but i guess if i satnd out of situationnow i can see it happening again, like doing what he wants ((yes in that way, and yes still idonb't feel i'm worth enough to say no wen he wants enjoyment). don't wanna fight anymore,don't have the energy. have to pretend i'm ok for so much of the time and i can't do it, but it measn no-one will wanna be with me (even friends) so i shoudl save the many...
i saw Kathy (tutor at uni) today.i have a new deadline for my essay...19th august cause of my wrist. which is stillso painful (but keep takingit out of the support) i also said there was a chance of having to take a year out, shesok with it but coming backdepends on there being a group running, but said there are close links with the MEd. she asked if i enjoyed tehweekend and i said yes though did get very drunk, aparenrty they were all waiting for me to come down to breakfast...but i don't do breakfast!
brought an opposite to emotion cd today, so listening to happy summer songs, cause its meant to help my mood change...nope not working
igot my keys back. feel guilty.
love
lucy