Sigh. IDK
So, I have clinical depression and I take meds to manage it.
IDK if what I'm feeling lately is a relapse of some sort or just a low period. I guess that's always the kicker when you've got clinical depression. Is it a low period or is it the descent into a soul sucking indeterminately long time where you get by by 'just functioning.'
I used to be on 150mg of Effexor daily and I managed to cut it back to 75 about three months ago. I was feeling 'okay' and I was concerned because my weight had shot up and I thought that perhaps the meds were keeping me from getting it off. Now I'm not sure if I did the right thing but getting down to 75mg/day was SO MUCH NOT FUN that I don't ever want to do it again so I'm hesitant to boost myself back up.
I haven't written in weeks despite having a few really good fics on the go. At work I struggle to keep focused and get tasks done while mostly just longing to be at home and doing nothing. I'm running at about 85% productivity which for me still means I'm more productive than most people, but I can tell I'm only going through the motions.
I've got my book coming out on tues and people keep saying "OMG, you must be SO HAPPY!" and I was. I mean, I am. I just... can't feel it? If you've got clinical depression you know exactly what I mean and if you don't I hope you never know exactly what I mean. You end up with this brittle kind of strange smile on your face but most people don't notice it's a bizarre one and you're kind of relieved and pissed off at the same time.
Mostly I just think about how much I'll get done tomorrow, like tomorrow is some kind of shangri-la that exists separate to my current space-time. and it's apparently magical. Until I transition to it and then it's just 'today' and it's all still kind of grey and fuzzy.
Tonight I'm going to try to write 500 words. it's something. I've just got to keep trying.
ugh.
IDK if what I'm feeling lately is a relapse of some sort or just a low period. I guess that's always the kicker when you've got clinical depression. Is it a low period or is it the descent into a soul sucking indeterminately long time where you get by by 'just functioning.'
I used to be on 150mg of Effexor daily and I managed to cut it back to 75 about three months ago. I was feeling 'okay' and I was concerned because my weight had shot up and I thought that perhaps the meds were keeping me from getting it off. Now I'm not sure if I did the right thing but getting down to 75mg/day was SO MUCH NOT FUN that I don't ever want to do it again so I'm hesitant to boost myself back up.
I haven't written in weeks despite having a few really good fics on the go. At work I struggle to keep focused and get tasks done while mostly just longing to be at home and doing nothing. I'm running at about 85% productivity which for me still means I'm more productive than most people, but I can tell I'm only going through the motions.
I've got my book coming out on tues and people keep saying "OMG, you must be SO HAPPY!" and I was. I mean, I am. I just... can't feel it? If you've got clinical depression you know exactly what I mean and if you don't I hope you never know exactly what I mean. You end up with this brittle kind of strange smile on your face but most people don't notice it's a bizarre one and you're kind of relieved and pissed off at the same time.
Mostly I just think about how much I'll get done tomorrow, like tomorrow is some kind of shangri-la that exists separate to my current space-time. and it's apparently magical. Until I transition to it and then it's just 'today' and it's all still kind of grey and fuzzy.
Tonight I'm going to try to write 500 words. it's something. I've just got to keep trying.
ugh.