(no subject)
I am a horrible, selfish mother, and unfortunately I don't know how to be any different :(
I don't play with my child (much), I don't sing the ABCs to her. I don't try to show her how to count. I don't "teach" her the colors of the rainbows. If anything, I live each day counting down the minutes until "nap" time or "bed" time. She frustrates me, more than I can say; more than I imagined would ever happen before I had her.
Now don't question my love for her. Because I love her more than my own pathetic soul. When Luke is being mean to her for w/e reason, I'm quick to stand up for her, and tell him to get the hell on. But when its me pissed at her, I expect her to endure it, accept it, and learn from it. (She doesn't off course).
All I can do is think to myself, "Is it always going to be this way?" Maybe I'm the fool who got knocked up too early in life. I shouldn't have gotten married, or had her. Maybe I'm restless living this life, in this town. I can't say for sure. I just saw all of this going a lot differently. I hear people say I have it "good." I tend to look at my life thru their eyes and say yeah I do, but it doesn't FEEL like it. It feels like I'm a selfish bitch of a mom, who doesn't know what to do with her toddler, so she ignores her and does her own thing (while making sure she's safe of course). I hate letting her go outside ( our house is infested with spiders EVERYWHERE and I'm afraid she'll get hurt, but more importantly to this topic, is that I am bored outside. I don't want to sit out there in the sun, I have nothing to do, she never listens to a damn fucking word I say even when I know she understands me.) I don't try new activities with her, because every time I have in the past, they usually turn out horribly - as in she hates it and starts screaming and its too much drama for me to give a shit to do it. I bought us a little pool, I even go thru the effort of filling it up with warm water, and the little brat will get in for 5 minutes and then get out. WTF KID! All she ever wants to do inside is climb into my office chair and pull every piece of shit on my desk down onto the floor - the absolute one thing that I bitch about her on a daily, hourly, bi-minute basis.
When I wanted her, I thought I'd be "That" mom. The one who sung to her kid, carried her around in a pouch. The one who let her kid try eating with a spoon from day one. Zoe is 18 months and she's only now learned how to eat with a spoon/fork. Mostly due to her grandmother letting her do it at her house. Me? I don't own my house so I didn't want her to ruin the carpet. We don't have a "dining" room, its all carpet. But lets be honest, I didn't want to clean the shit up either.
Now maybe its not fair, and I'm being stupid but it really does not help when she listens to Luke. She stays up til 11:00 at night waiting for him to get off work and refusing to go to bed (screaming in her cot every time I try for HOURS - yes I'm that mean. I have let her ass stay in that cot for over an hour crying b/c she would not go to bed b/c Luke wasn't home yet...regardless of being awake from 3:00pm - 11:00pm). She will curl up with him on the bed, couch, floor, etc...she runs from me. Rightfully so. I yell at her all day to get away from my shit on my desk. I don't play with her nearly as much as I should. Don't get me wrong, its not that I pretend she isn't here..I just feel like I need to be doing more educational things to boost her intelligence, etc.. but I am so tired of what happens when I try that I have given up - THAT is what makes me a horrible mother. I shouldn't give up on my child, but I can't help it. I'm so sick of TRYING. Flash card? Fuck no - won't sit still thru them. Singing? Get out, she'd rather run screaming thru the house. She has a sand pit, but she doesn't like getting her hands dirty >.< I've tried finger painting, but again, doesn't like it on her hands..
GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK. I can't take it. I really want to be "THAT" mom, Zoe..for you, I really do. I know you're smart, I know you're healthy... but I don't have a clue as to what to do with you. I think I knew instinctively what to do with you as a baby better than I do now, and now you're closer to being a real person than you were then.
Please god send me the patience, the understanding and the knowledge I need to prepare my child for this life. Please let me find the strength and gumption to be a better mom than what I had. I am so incredibly lost and I know I should not give up, but its all I can do to get thru the day. Its not that she's difficult, its not even that she is bad. She's so smart, so energetic, and she NEEDS my attention, she needs things to do... but what can I do with her that will keep her attention for more than a minute or two? I'm so ashamed of myself for wasting all the time I've already wasted that I could have been teaching her important things, but I don't know how to. I don't know how to cope with the disappointment and frustration that comes with most of my endeavors of teaching her.
And the really dumb thing is, in my heart I know I want another one at some point down the road, but how can I have another one if I'm not willing to give this one my best effort? I wish I could be given the chance to go into the future and see what my life will be like in 10 years time....to know that it wont always be this way. That eventually I will be able to do things with her and not feel its a waste of time every time.
As I said, its not that I just toss her in a corner, and I try to pick a fun place/thing to do at least once a week with her as a family...go to the beach, go to the park..etc. She goes to grandma's twice a week now, which is fun for her as well. Luke and I have discussed walking her down to the park downtown twice a week starting next week, which is a 2-3 hour adventure..but I know its not enough.
/frustrated, ashamed, sad :(
I don't play with my child (much), I don't sing the ABCs to her. I don't try to show her how to count. I don't "teach" her the colors of the rainbows. If anything, I live each day counting down the minutes until "nap" time or "bed" time. She frustrates me, more than I can say; more than I imagined would ever happen before I had her.
Now don't question my love for her. Because I love her more than my own pathetic soul. When Luke is being mean to her for w/e reason, I'm quick to stand up for her, and tell him to get the hell on. But when its me pissed at her, I expect her to endure it, accept it, and learn from it. (She doesn't off course).
All I can do is think to myself, "Is it always going to be this way?" Maybe I'm the fool who got knocked up too early in life. I shouldn't have gotten married, or had her. Maybe I'm restless living this life, in this town. I can't say for sure. I just saw all of this going a lot differently. I hear people say I have it "good." I tend to look at my life thru their eyes and say yeah I do, but it doesn't FEEL like it. It feels like I'm a selfish bitch of a mom, who doesn't know what to do with her toddler, so she ignores her and does her own thing (while making sure she's safe of course). I hate letting her go outside ( our house is infested with spiders EVERYWHERE and I'm afraid she'll get hurt, but more importantly to this topic, is that I am bored outside. I don't want to sit out there in the sun, I have nothing to do, she never listens to a damn fucking word I say even when I know she understands me.) I don't try new activities with her, because every time I have in the past, they usually turn out horribly - as in she hates it and starts screaming and its too much drama for me to give a shit to do it. I bought us a little pool, I even go thru the effort of filling it up with warm water, and the little brat will get in for 5 minutes and then get out. WTF KID! All she ever wants to do inside is climb into my office chair and pull every piece of shit on my desk down onto the floor - the absolute one thing that I bitch about her on a daily, hourly, bi-minute basis.
When I wanted her, I thought I'd be "That" mom. The one who sung to her kid, carried her around in a pouch. The one who let her kid try eating with a spoon from day one. Zoe is 18 months and she's only now learned how to eat with a spoon/fork. Mostly due to her grandmother letting her do it at her house. Me? I don't own my house so I didn't want her to ruin the carpet. We don't have a "dining" room, its all carpet. But lets be honest, I didn't want to clean the shit up either.
Now maybe its not fair, and I'm being stupid but it really does not help when she listens to Luke. She stays up til 11:00 at night waiting for him to get off work and refusing to go to bed (screaming in her cot every time I try for HOURS - yes I'm that mean. I have let her ass stay in that cot for over an hour crying b/c she would not go to bed b/c Luke wasn't home yet...regardless of being awake from 3:00pm - 11:00pm). She will curl up with him on the bed, couch, floor, etc...she runs from me. Rightfully so. I yell at her all day to get away from my shit on my desk. I don't play with her nearly as much as I should. Don't get me wrong, its not that I pretend she isn't here..I just feel like I need to be doing more educational things to boost her intelligence, etc.. but I am so tired of what happens when I try that I have given up - THAT is what makes me a horrible mother. I shouldn't give up on my child, but I can't help it. I'm so sick of TRYING. Flash card? Fuck no - won't sit still thru them. Singing? Get out, she'd rather run screaming thru the house. She has a sand pit, but she doesn't like getting her hands dirty >.< I've tried finger painting, but again, doesn't like it on her hands..
GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK. I can't take it. I really want to be "THAT" mom, Zoe..for you, I really do. I know you're smart, I know you're healthy... but I don't have a clue as to what to do with you. I think I knew instinctively what to do with you as a baby better than I do now, and now you're closer to being a real person than you were then.
Please god send me the patience, the understanding and the knowledge I need to prepare my child for this life. Please let me find the strength and gumption to be a better mom than what I had. I am so incredibly lost and I know I should not give up, but its all I can do to get thru the day. Its not that she's difficult, its not even that she is bad. She's so smart, so energetic, and she NEEDS my attention, she needs things to do... but what can I do with her that will keep her attention for more than a minute or two? I'm so ashamed of myself for wasting all the time I've already wasted that I could have been teaching her important things, but I don't know how to. I don't know how to cope with the disappointment and frustration that comes with most of my endeavors of teaching her.
And the really dumb thing is, in my heart I know I want another one at some point down the road, but how can I have another one if I'm not willing to give this one my best effort? I wish I could be given the chance to go into the future and see what my life will be like in 10 years time....to know that it wont always be this way. That eventually I will be able to do things with her and not feel its a waste of time every time.
As I said, its not that I just toss her in a corner, and I try to pick a fun place/thing to do at least once a week with her as a family...go to the beach, go to the park..etc. She goes to grandma's twice a week now, which is fun for her as well. Luke and I have discussed walking her down to the park downtown twice a week starting next week, which is a 2-3 hour adventure..but I know its not enough.
/frustrated, ashamed, sad :(