when sleeping becomes a matter of speculation...
How things change in such a short period of time. The serendipitous nature of existence never ceases to amaze me. And at 30 years of age, I realize that I am still a child startled by the myriad of unexpected gifts that life has to offer. Whether they appear as gifts at first glance is a matter of perspective (i.e. am I receptive to this 'new' understanding?). I've been reading and writing (off-line) and it's helped me to see things, to understand and accept, in ways I couldn't or wouldn't have been able to previously. I've become so much more self aware, though, I hope, in a mind broadening sort of way and not in a self-absorbed manner. So much to say, and yet I feel myself fading.
Drank far far too much tonight, but that was the idea. Went to the market after work to find small gifts for friends who will, all too soon it seems, be departing this city, country, continent. I remarked, at least a couple of times this evening, on the transient nature if the ex-pat community here. For example, I met someone tonight (a fellow Canadian, at that) who arrived 5 days ago and is leaving Sunday. I met another fellow, a Brit, who arrived Monday and is leaving this morning. Some come and go, and others stay (by hook or by crook), but we are all, to a degree, in a state of transition. Again, the theme I adopted before even setting foot on this rugged land, comes into such crystal clear perspective: between places. Yes, I am here, and in such a way that 'there' has become almost illusory, but a part of me still lives in the environment that I left behind. It's one of those things that it's difficult to put into words because, if you haven't lived it, you run the risk of 'it' being lost in translation, so to speak. The funny part is, even though I haven't been 'home' since I left some 10+ months ago, I can predict, with a degree if certainty, how mind boggling it would be to find myself back in Ottawa. The other night, as a friend described his experience of being back in the UK after a significant period overseas, here in Nigeria, I nodded my head with understanding. On some level, I knew (or as J would insist, I believed) that I would relate to his experience. To paraphrase and simplify, he spoke of how, coming back 'home', he felt like an 'outsider'. Because as much as it hurts to realize that life does, and must, go on without you in it, such is life. You can't expect your family and friends to go on living as if you were there, because you're not. Things change, people change, and often in ways that we don't notice because we're too busy living our lives to see it. These changes often happen gradually over time and what seems to be a natural, steady progression can seem to be monumental to those who have not witnessed this progression. Then again, it can also seem, to someone who has 'left the fold', that not much has changed. You go home and there are your family and friends, doing basically the same things they were doing before you left, and you suddenly realize "this isn't my life anymore". Huh. Right, okay.
And so, tonight, I was provided with an opportunity to resolve some pressing issues that had been troubling me for some time now. Things, thoughts, and feelings that, as much as I could try to explain, would be lost in the distance between me and my dear ones back home. But I don't want to say that the connections have been severed, because I've had some marvelous email based interactions of late. Just that distance has a way of, well, distancing us from each other. It's an unfortunate yet undeniable aspect of our limited existence as human beings. Then again, I argued to the point of absurdity tonight that one need not necessarily have been there and done that to understand or feel 'that', if that makes any sense at all. Perhaps I over estimate my capacity for empathy, I honestly don't know. But I can believe and hope and wish, can't I? Because I honestly believe that, deep down, we're not so different from one another that we can't find our intimate common ground/understanding ...
I could go on and on, but I'm growing weary of sitting in front of this screen, typing. Thoughts, comments, etc. are always welcome. Please do.
Peace and Solidarity,
Z xox
Drank far far too much tonight, but that was the idea. Went to the market after work to find small gifts for friends who will, all too soon it seems, be departing this city, country, continent. I remarked, at least a couple of times this evening, on the transient nature if the ex-pat community here. For example, I met someone tonight (a fellow Canadian, at that) who arrived 5 days ago and is leaving Sunday. I met another fellow, a Brit, who arrived Monday and is leaving this morning. Some come and go, and others stay (by hook or by crook), but we are all, to a degree, in a state of transition. Again, the theme I adopted before even setting foot on this rugged land, comes into such crystal clear perspective: between places. Yes, I am here, and in such a way that 'there' has become almost illusory, but a part of me still lives in the environment that I left behind. It's one of those things that it's difficult to put into words because, if you haven't lived it, you run the risk of 'it' being lost in translation, so to speak. The funny part is, even though I haven't been 'home' since I left some 10+ months ago, I can predict, with a degree if certainty, how mind boggling it would be to find myself back in Ottawa. The other night, as a friend described his experience of being back in the UK after a significant period overseas, here in Nigeria, I nodded my head with understanding. On some level, I knew (or as J would insist, I believed) that I would relate to his experience. To paraphrase and simplify, he spoke of how, coming back 'home', he felt like an 'outsider'. Because as much as it hurts to realize that life does, and must, go on without you in it, such is life. You can't expect your family and friends to go on living as if you were there, because you're not. Things change, people change, and often in ways that we don't notice because we're too busy living our lives to see it. These changes often happen gradually over time and what seems to be a natural, steady progression can seem to be monumental to those who have not witnessed this progression. Then again, it can also seem, to someone who has 'left the fold', that not much has changed. You go home and there are your family and friends, doing basically the same things they were doing before you left, and you suddenly realize "this isn't my life anymore". Huh. Right, okay.
And so, tonight, I was provided with an opportunity to resolve some pressing issues that had been troubling me for some time now. Things, thoughts, and feelings that, as much as I could try to explain, would be lost in the distance between me and my dear ones back home. But I don't want to say that the connections have been severed, because I've had some marvelous email based interactions of late. Just that distance has a way of, well, distancing us from each other. It's an unfortunate yet undeniable aspect of our limited existence as human beings. Then again, I argued to the point of absurdity tonight that one need not necessarily have been there and done that to understand or feel 'that', if that makes any sense at all. Perhaps I over estimate my capacity for empathy, I honestly don't know. But I can believe and hope and wish, can't I? Because I honestly believe that, deep down, we're not so different from one another that we can't find our intimate common ground/understanding ...
I could go on and on, but I'm growing weary of sitting in front of this screen, typing. Thoughts, comments, etc. are always welcome. Please do.
Peace and Solidarity,
Z xox