I need something
Something has been plauging me for quite some time now and I guess it would be healthiest if I just write it down and attempt to get it out of my system. I've been lonely for quite some time now and I feel like shit. But I guess if you've read any of my prior enteries you would already know that. This is more serious than that. I have, in the past, convinced myself that certain things exist, but now I'm starting to feel as if none of them actually are. Those things are love, good relationships, the future I want, getting what I strive for and/or wish for, and also figuring out myself. None of these things are ever truely possible. I hate love. It just makes me feel like absolute crap. Being a Libra I guess it's in my makeup to strive for such a ridiculous notion. But it's a real crock of shit! I fall in love too easily and it's so painfully hard to erase, even if that love is all wrong and unhealthy. But what if certain loves aren't exactly unhealthy but just impossible? I get that all the time. I sit around torturing myself witht that thought.
In the past I truely thought I was in love, and now I realize it really was boredom. Yet another may have truely been real. I don't know for sure and I guess I never will. Good relationships. What the fuck are they?!?! I've never had one so I wouldn't even have a fucking clue. I guess it's me that fucks everything up. I must ask too much of the guys I date. The last one didn't even like me I was just a joke to probably help an ecboyfriend of mine to get back at me. Also if I say I want something 9.5 times out of 10 I don't get it. It's so fucking frustrating.
Is it so very hard to wish I could decide what the fuck to do with my life and find someone to share it with?!? Really, someone tell me please! I only know I need to find someone or some shit like that soon, I'm about to go crazy. I just wnat someone to be there for me when things are bad and even when there good. I want someone who can love me for me and not as a conquest or as someone that is disposible. I want someone to take care of that can also take care of me. I want someone who is there at night assuring me I'm not alone just by lying down next to me. I want to wake up next to someone who once I see them there I smile and immediately feel like everything is right in the world even if it's only for the split second before I have to snap in to reality. Maybe this is just a pipedream. And maybe those don't exist. Maybe. Or maybe I just need to wake the fuck up!
*~Jules~*
In the past I truely thought I was in love, and now I realize it really was boredom. Yet another may have truely been real. I don't know for sure and I guess I never will. Good relationships. What the fuck are they?!?! I've never had one so I wouldn't even have a fucking clue. I guess it's me that fucks everything up. I must ask too much of the guys I date. The last one didn't even like me I was just a joke to probably help an ecboyfriend of mine to get back at me. Also if I say I want something 9.5 times out of 10 I don't get it. It's so fucking frustrating.
Is it so very hard to wish I could decide what the fuck to do with my life and find someone to share it with?!? Really, someone tell me please! I only know I need to find someone or some shit like that soon, I'm about to go crazy. I just wnat someone to be there for me when things are bad and even when there good. I want someone who can love me for me and not as a conquest or as someone that is disposible. I want someone to take care of that can also take care of me. I want someone who is there at night assuring me I'm not alone just by lying down next to me. I want to wake up next to someone who once I see them there I smile and immediately feel like everything is right in the world even if it's only for the split second before I have to snap in to reality. Maybe this is just a pipedream. And maybe those don't exist. Maybe. Or maybe I just need to wake the fuck up!
*~Jules~*