Zoe Life
Well I realize I've been a bit unfaithful in the news bringing so I'll give you all the bad/dramatic news first and then be on my way to the happy goings on in the life of Zoe Fae.
The Bad and the Ugly:
Bryan and I are no more. For good. The end. I have lost hope of ever regaining the respect for him that I once had or the respect for me he still claims but does not show. If you feel like bashing be my guest, just know that doing it to make me feel better will not work. I ache and hurt. I fight bitterness daily and struggle to be the bright and loving mother my little girl needs. My heart and mind, while still functioning on social, professional and even familial levels are broken. The life I dreamed of and planned for for four long years has died a very painful death and the grieving has not yet begun. Saji, thank you for making me see what I was purpousfully looking right past. And yet, while hope has died, wishes remain to torment me. I wish he could be the man I need him to be, I wish he could be the father that both of my children need, I wish we could just be a family and live happy and hard working lives together. I wish......
Living with my parents has turned into an uneasy truce and eggshell dance. We broach subjects and swiftly withdraw for fear that our differing world views will desturb the tenuous peace we have created. Abi is becoming more spoiled every day and it hurts me that I can't change that situation with any kind of authority until I'm standing firmly on my own two feet. Thankfully her starting daycare where I work is the first step to helping that problem while creating a whole list of other behavioral nightmares. I wish it didn't have to be this way. I wish I could afford the kind of care she deserves. I wish I could stay home with her at least part time and still give her that social interaction she so desperately needs. I wish I could work in a place that I would be happy to bring her to and one that I would be proud to say that I work for.
So many wishes and my heart is parched with only the tinsiest droplets of hope to sustain it.
Enough of that, I ache just letting myself be that honest about the darkness in me. Now for some brilliance and light! Let the shutters of the broken windows be opened that light may enter and begin its beautiful healing!!!!!!
Yesterday I went in for my ultrasound and learned what I *and a few others* already knew. The child I carry is a boy!!! My son, the hope that I can teach this family of rotten cored men and alter the patterns of asshole by showing my son a higher way of life and healthy influence! Elias Timothy is due September 17, 2007 and I await his arrival with much anticipation. Ultrasound pics to be posted just as soon as I get to a scanner.
Abi is growing so quickly and beautifully! She speaks very clearly for someone her size and has a fairly large vocabulary. Its adorable how she says please for most things and thank you for EVERYTHING. And if she's particularly excited about something it's "please, thank you" all in one breath. She's begun to experiment with running and enjoys walking on her own when we are out and about. She's recently started to attend the daycare I am employed at and is doing fabulously. Haven't noticed any behavioral changes in her yet, but I am not holding my breath. She has gotten to the point where she only cries if she hears me in the next room or sees me down the hall. I am happy that she is getting this interaction with kids her own age. Good practice for when brother arrives.
I am nearly completely debt free, in a matter of two days I went from $2000 in the hole to $300 for lab work done pre-med cupons. I am very excited about all of this and am looking forward to building savings for both car and living space. I can get decent housing for my littl family out here or in Tacoma (yet to be decided) at very affordable prices through HUD.
It may be a little soon to be speaking so honestly on this score, but I hope to be nothing if not honest. Since a delightful con of ex drama, head trauma and relaxation I have been frequently hanging out with a gentleman previously only an aquaintance. I'm happy at the relaxed pace of this growing friendship and hope that we both have the patience to let this grow into whatever beautiful thing it becomes. I worry though that in my mental-up-fucked state that I will break something special by pushing to hard one way or the other. Ah well as we said, no pressure, no pushing, just let it go and don't lie to ourselves about what we do and do not want. Its rather fabulous to watch him with Abi, she even trusts him enough to let him carry her short distances and play openly with him and he appears to be enjoying her company as well as mine. Sat we will finally get a night to ourselves (bless my parents for babysitting!) and I am looking foreward to that as well.
So many imbalances and yet its all so automatically covered by the glamour of my smile. I hope I've not scared anyone with my honesty though refuse to apologize for being me.
The cup I drink is bitter yet laced with honey and so hope flares to keep me going to taste until the final drops have played themselves in my heart.
The Bad and the Ugly:
Bryan and I are no more. For good. The end. I have lost hope of ever regaining the respect for him that I once had or the respect for me he still claims but does not show. If you feel like bashing be my guest, just know that doing it to make me feel better will not work. I ache and hurt. I fight bitterness daily and struggle to be the bright and loving mother my little girl needs. My heart and mind, while still functioning on social, professional and even familial levels are broken. The life I dreamed of and planned for for four long years has died a very painful death and the grieving has not yet begun. Saji, thank you for making me see what I was purpousfully looking right past. And yet, while hope has died, wishes remain to torment me. I wish he could be the man I need him to be, I wish he could be the father that both of my children need, I wish we could just be a family and live happy and hard working lives together. I wish......
Living with my parents has turned into an uneasy truce and eggshell dance. We broach subjects and swiftly withdraw for fear that our differing world views will desturb the tenuous peace we have created. Abi is becoming more spoiled every day and it hurts me that I can't change that situation with any kind of authority until I'm standing firmly on my own two feet. Thankfully her starting daycare where I work is the first step to helping that problem while creating a whole list of other behavioral nightmares. I wish it didn't have to be this way. I wish I could afford the kind of care she deserves. I wish I could stay home with her at least part time and still give her that social interaction she so desperately needs. I wish I could work in a place that I would be happy to bring her to and one that I would be proud to say that I work for.
So many wishes and my heart is parched with only the tinsiest droplets of hope to sustain it.
Enough of that, I ache just letting myself be that honest about the darkness in me. Now for some brilliance and light! Let the shutters of the broken windows be opened that light may enter and begin its beautiful healing!!!!!!
Yesterday I went in for my ultrasound and learned what I *and a few others* already knew. The child I carry is a boy!!! My son, the hope that I can teach this family of rotten cored men and alter the patterns of asshole by showing my son a higher way of life and healthy influence! Elias Timothy is due September 17, 2007 and I await his arrival with much anticipation. Ultrasound pics to be posted just as soon as I get to a scanner.
Abi is growing so quickly and beautifully! She speaks very clearly for someone her size and has a fairly large vocabulary. Its adorable how she says please for most things and thank you for EVERYTHING. And if she's particularly excited about something it's "please, thank you" all in one breath. She's begun to experiment with running and enjoys walking on her own when we are out and about. She's recently started to attend the daycare I am employed at and is doing fabulously. Haven't noticed any behavioral changes in her yet, but I am not holding my breath. She has gotten to the point where she only cries if she hears me in the next room or sees me down the hall. I am happy that she is getting this interaction with kids her own age. Good practice for when brother arrives.
I am nearly completely debt free, in a matter of two days I went from $2000 in the hole to $300 for lab work done pre-med cupons. I am very excited about all of this and am looking forward to building savings for both car and living space. I can get decent housing for my littl family out here or in Tacoma (yet to be decided) at very affordable prices through HUD.
It may be a little soon to be speaking so honestly on this score, but I hope to be nothing if not honest. Since a delightful con of ex drama, head trauma and relaxation I have been frequently hanging out with a gentleman previously only an aquaintance. I'm happy at the relaxed pace of this growing friendship and hope that we both have the patience to let this grow into whatever beautiful thing it becomes. I worry though that in my mental-up-fucked state that I will break something special by pushing to hard one way or the other. Ah well as we said, no pressure, no pushing, just let it go and don't lie to ourselves about what we do and do not want. Its rather fabulous to watch him with Abi, she even trusts him enough to let him carry her short distances and play openly with him and he appears to be enjoying her company as well as mine. Sat we will finally get a night to ourselves (bless my parents for babysitting!) and I am looking foreward to that as well.
So many imbalances and yet its all so automatically covered by the glamour of my smile. I hope I've not scared anyone with my honesty though refuse to apologize for being me.
The cup I drink is bitter yet laced with honey and so hope flares to keep me going to taste until the final drops have played themselves in my heart.