perennial
I was talking to brian forfa one evening, about how I liked this girl so much that I feel inadequate around her. he said something really interesting about when you "realize your own misery" that seemed to really cut to the chase, and captivate my thoughts (Søren Kierkegaard?). I guess if I had to describe my mood right now it would be something like there is a jagged unpleasantness passing through me, but I am content to sit and wait for it to pass, feeling mostly optimistic and friendly...maybe I'm a masochist, and all of us are? or this could be a personal demon? if I think about it, I can feel the sort of god-awful-horrible...but if I ignore it, it's sort of like just a little bug that won't stop buzzing, but is just buzzing softly. I guess I'm trying to find the seam between "mood" and "ears" so I can forever rip them apart and live happily ever after. it's that chicken/egg/first-second? thing
lately I have sort of stopped caring about a lot of things, things like philosophy, or even religion...more interested in experience...stopped caring as in, not worrying about too much, but still giving due attention (the time for religion is...?). I still pray. I was camping in the woods before college, with some future students, and we were debating about god/religion/philosophy/whatever...and our crew leader says..."just stop for a second, and consider...do these arguments ever really have an ending point, a turning point, a victory?" that was, for me, another "aha" moment.
I also think honesty is an interesting concept, and I wonder if it exists. not in the sense that people can and do dishonest things, but in the sense that social relations are such a huge maze of learned responses, with feelings and status and compromises all (sub?)conscious and all weighted and measured. I guess I'm aware of all this right now, and it makes it hard to type a blog for people to read. does anyone care to hear thoughts? or merely to always be entertained? wel.. i gues here's a few thoughts if you feel like reading. I wonder if thinking thoughts is something only a sad person does... it seems like all the happy good things in the world just sort of flow out naturally, and then you look back and say..."hey! that was happy and good!" it interests me, makes me laugh and smile, that I, right now, am vacillating, or rather hovering like a stopped frame (oh the comfort!), between typing more, and deleting/stopping...ok that's it (HAHAAAHA........nope...um..!.I have to get the last word against myself...flash of insight: I am, at my core, a lingerer)
well I'm going on a trip tomorrow to panama city and tallahassee for a few days, should be fun (one of jef's awesome obscure touring indie musician shows in a no pressure venue, visiting friends and sister and towns, maybe seeing Lucas' new baby?)
shout outz:
sarah kane....picnic, beby..
brain forffa...i'm gonna find and add you buddy
pembertons...lets go out with a bang, not a whimpy
brian mulvey... congratulations on your life!
felicia...hey! nice talking to you! yes there is something more you should know about me... I am a lingerer
gordon and james...miss you fondly
gail...you reading still?
ah, i feel better
lately I have sort of stopped caring about a lot of things, things like philosophy, or even religion...more interested in experience...stopped caring as in, not worrying about too much, but still giving due attention (the time for religion is...?). I still pray. I was camping in the woods before college, with some future students, and we were debating about god/religion/philosophy/whatever...and our crew leader says..."just stop for a second, and consider...do these arguments ever really have an ending point, a turning point, a victory?" that was, for me, another "aha" moment.
I also think honesty is an interesting concept, and I wonder if it exists. not in the sense that people can and do dishonest things, but in the sense that social relations are such a huge maze of learned responses, with feelings and status and compromises all (sub?)conscious and all weighted and measured. I guess I'm aware of all this right now, and it makes it hard to type a blog for people to read. does anyone care to hear thoughts? or merely to always be entertained? wel.. i gues here's a few thoughts if you feel like reading. I wonder if thinking thoughts is something only a sad person does... it seems like all the happy good things in the world just sort of flow out naturally, and then you look back and say..."hey! that was happy and good!" it interests me, makes me laugh and smile, that I, right now, am vacillating, or rather hovering like a stopped frame (oh the comfort!), between typing more, and deleting/stopping...ok that's it (HAHAAAHA........nope...um..!.I have to get the last word against myself...flash of insight: I am, at my core, a lingerer)
well I'm going on a trip tomorrow to panama city and tallahassee for a few days, should be fun (one of jef's awesome obscure touring indie musician shows in a no pressure venue, visiting friends and sister and towns, maybe seeing Lucas' new baby?)
shout outz:
sarah kane....picnic, beby..
brain forffa...i'm gonna find and add you buddy
pembertons...lets go out with a bang, not a whimpy
brian mulvey... congratulations on your life!
felicia...hey! nice talking to you! yes there is something more you should know about me... I am a lingerer
gordon and james...miss you fondly
gail...you reading still?
ah, i feel better