(no subject)
i guess these causes of mine come into conflict with the relationships i have with people i really care about. many people think my ideas are too extreme, or "idealistic." that in this world, nothing i ever do will put a stop to the things i want to stop. maybe they're right. but it makes me hate the world because i don't seem to have a place in a place like this. in fact, sometimes i just want to LEAVE, hit the off button, disappear into dust. too much pain, selfishness, indifference. you encounter how many people in your life, maybe thousands, more? (i've never been good with numbers.) but maybe out of hundreds of thousands or millions, only one person possibly cares about ONE of your causes. it's sad. it makes me want to cry right now. am i crazy?
i have an ambivalent feeling. the feeling that i should strip myself of the ties that hold me down, the people in my life who are indifferent to helping those who have nothing to do with them. but at the same time, i see their point: WHY help those who have nothing to do with you? what do YOU get out of maybe improving the life of some faceless entity? i mean, you're in front of me, and i'm in front of you, and you care about me and are willing to do things for me that other people (who may be social activists) wouldn't. the world isn't separated cleanly into benevolent righteous people and apathetic assholes. i mean, say i did meet someone who wanted to end human trafficking. and then found out he only did so because of his guilt for having a child porn fetish. or something. people will surprise you like that. people are monsters.
sometimes i wanna just say fuck it all, fuck all i believe in... i just want to eat food and have sex and lie around and be content. and there is a possibility that if i actually pursued one of my causes, i would never have sex again because my principles would get in the way or my standards would be too high (or i'd have to settle for someone gross). then i'd just grow old and whither up and die and that scares me. for what is the POINT of saving other people when you have to sacrifice the one thing you actually enjoy in life? i'm oversimplifying things and not expressing myself well, but this is a real fear of mine. unlike some of you girls, good sex is just something i can't live without.
i have an ambivalent feeling. the feeling that i should strip myself of the ties that hold me down, the people in my life who are indifferent to helping those who have nothing to do with them. but at the same time, i see their point: WHY help those who have nothing to do with you? what do YOU get out of maybe improving the life of some faceless entity? i mean, you're in front of me, and i'm in front of you, and you care about me and are willing to do things for me that other people (who may be social activists) wouldn't. the world isn't separated cleanly into benevolent righteous people and apathetic assholes. i mean, say i did meet someone who wanted to end human trafficking. and then found out he only did so because of his guilt for having a child porn fetish. or something. people will surprise you like that. people are monsters.
sometimes i wanna just say fuck it all, fuck all i believe in... i just want to eat food and have sex and lie around and be content. and there is a possibility that if i actually pursued one of my causes, i would never have sex again because my principles would get in the way or my standards would be too high (or i'd have to settle for someone gross). then i'd just grow old and whither up and die and that scares me. for what is the POINT of saving other people when you have to sacrifice the one thing you actually enjoy in life? i'm oversimplifying things and not expressing myself well, but this is a real fear of mine. unlike some of you girls, good sex is just something i can't live without.