(no subject)
why do i feel trapped by the goals i set for myself? i took on two research-intensive classes (one of them an independent study, meaning that i set my own parameters and develop a paper out of my own interests) knowing that i would have my work cut out for me this quarter, but now, when push comes to shove, i don't feel like writing anything. nothing comes to mind. i just want everything to be over. i'm tired of facts, arguments, theories... i just don't care anymore. in the beginning i was so excited that i would actually get to do my own stuff, that it was an opportunity to contribute something of myself to the world of academia, but now i wonder if any of this really matters to me. what will i get out of it in the long run? is this really where my interests lie? investigating japanese salarymen, their usage of the sex industry, and how this affects their interpersonal relationships? what do i really get out of all this? i mean, a lot of my obsessive curiosity arose out of there being almost no literature on the subject, and the fact that almost everyone takes this lifestyle as a given, but did i have to pick something sooo difficult to study? i noticed that many researchers are careful to choose things that have already been extensively studied and then twist the information around so that it sounds somewhat new because these things are easier to write and publish. what a copout, though. is this what being an anthropologist is all about? "yes, i agree with so and so, and my fieldwork which is a complete replica of so and so's except 10 years in the future confirms that he's right." i guess. and i'm getting annoyed with the super restricted social science-y style of writing. you must use "hegemonic" and "discourse" at least 50 times in your paper and you must be as formulaic and stiff as humanly possible. to say i'm having second thoughts about doing this would be an understatement. yet here i am with 3 weeks left into the quarter and the hole i've dug around myself is feeling nice and cozy under this pile of unfinished rubbish.