carbonated semitransluscent bioflux S+1
yup. there goes the weird titles again. hopefully it'll stick this time. maybe not..who cares?!
anyway
for the past hour or so i've been reading some of my old entries and i have begun to feel bad. no...not because of the crap i used to write, but the fact that i hardly write nowadays. it's true. a year or more ago i wrote updates, sometimes monthly, sometimes weekly, on really good weeks, almost daily. but now, months pass by with hardly a peep or even a quick rant. and it's not because i have nothing to say. actually, i have a lot to say. i guess it's because somewhere along the line i picked up a habit of censoring myself.
actually, i don't think censoring is the right word. silencing? prohibition? not really sure. what i am sure of is i refrain from voicing out what ails me these days. the rationale being that people do not like whiners. that i want to prove to myself i am strong by keeping it all in. or at least fool myself into thinking that. in all honesty tho, i am close to shattering and bursting into a bloody mess. i have plans and good things planned out, yet i feel as though i am watching dawn atop a cliff. the wind is strong and i feel the abyss pulling me.
somehow i manage to stand firm. stubbornness perhaps? or a mindless urge to simply keep on existing, to keep on gritting teeth and stepping forward. like some zombie trudging ever forward in search of brains. almost all of the goals i currently have are not for my benefit. while i know it is good and right to these, i also feel cheated. which then takes a toll on my motivation. the world is a dull gray. the color of life sapped away by --
fuck! was that an earthquake?
...
and there goes my train of thought. derailed, shaken off track.
yay! puns!
fml orz
anyway
for the past hour or so i've been reading some of my old entries and i have begun to feel bad. no...not because of the crap i used to write, but the fact that i hardly write nowadays. it's true. a year or more ago i wrote updates, sometimes monthly, sometimes weekly, on really good weeks, almost daily. but now, months pass by with hardly a peep or even a quick rant. and it's not because i have nothing to say. actually, i have a lot to say. i guess it's because somewhere along the line i picked up a habit of censoring myself.
actually, i don't think censoring is the right word. silencing? prohibition? not really sure. what i am sure of is i refrain from voicing out what ails me these days. the rationale being that people do not like whiners. that i want to prove to myself i am strong by keeping it all in. or at least fool myself into thinking that. in all honesty tho, i am close to shattering and bursting into a bloody mess. i have plans and good things planned out, yet i feel as though i am watching dawn atop a cliff. the wind is strong and i feel the abyss pulling me.
somehow i manage to stand firm. stubbornness perhaps? or a mindless urge to simply keep on existing, to keep on gritting teeth and stepping forward. like some zombie trudging ever forward in search of brains. almost all of the goals i currently have are not for my benefit. while i know it is good and right to these, i also feel cheated. which then takes a toll on my motivation. the world is a dull gray. the color of life sapped away by --
fuck! was that an earthquake?
...
and there goes my train of thought. derailed, shaken off track.
yay! puns!
fml orz