"You don't understand...to me thats not two girls making out.....thats a girl making out with a pile of dirt"
Good
Bad
I have done it! After all these years, I have figured it out
I was in the bathroom the other day, standing on a chair while hanging a clock. I slipped fell and hit my head on the toilet seat. It was then when it all happened.
When I woke i drew a picture.
It looked a little werid to me, and i wasn't quite sure what it represented, but i knew it was important.
I grabbed some pencils, cups, a camera, and some old pornos....... i mean Sports Illustrateds. And I was able to create the device i drew.....i was also able to hook it up to the USB port in my computer.
Then all Hell broke lose.
I suddendly saw myself....... Dead......but in Heaven.
Or rather i was on the outside, waiting to get in. It was like one of those amusment park lines, and there were those TV screens, where as you walk,you get to see whats in the park. But anyway, the TV showed all the kool things that are in heaven. It was a lot different from what i thought.
For one thing, your supposed to bring your material possessions with you. I was always told that if you were rich on earth, you had to leave it all behind when die. Everybody on-line brought all this shit with them. Stereos, books, boats, houses, computers, cars.... you name it. I didn't have any shit with me. I had some old jeens, my trovei and sons t-shirt, wallet and a coupon for Goodfellas.
Im lucky I had my wallet....cause it ain't free to get in. Its like thirty bucks
Then it was my turn to enter, and there was this big problem. It seems that I have to go to court to see if i can enter or not. I was like......this is a piece of cake
Turns out God's the judge, Jesus's is my laywer, the devil is my prosecutor and the saints & demons are my jury.
I was all pumped..... I got Jesus Christ as my lawyer... Hellz yea
God: Please make your opening statements
JC: Ladies and Gentleman, we do not want Jonathan in Heaven, send his ass to Hell
Me: Jesus! What are you doing?! Your my lawyer!...and your Jesus....you know...the nice guy with the magical powers. Aren't supposed to be all forgiving and....stuff.
JC: No....your thinking of Santa Clause
(I found out later that Jesus Christ was really a Communist, who traveled back in time to promote is book)
Me: Your honor, i wish to defend myself.
God: Knock yourself out, its not like your going to heaven
Me: Hey, anything is possible
God: No it isn't..... Im God you dumbass
Me: Fine Fine Fine..... I deserve to go to heaven...First off I.......Wait...Jesus!...are you smoking a bowl with the devil?
JC: Go Fuck yourself....you capitalist pig
Me: I have done wonderful things in my life God
God: Such as?
Me: Like i lent Pat money the other day
God: Oh everybody lends Pat money...that doesn't count
Me: I got dead AIM
God: So does everybody!.... i have the second biggest amount of screen names anywhere
Me: Second?
God: Yea, that Steve Trovei kid, has a couple more than me
Me: How is that possible?... Your God!....Can't you see?..he's just a man...well boy
God: I KNOW...... i have five eyes......he's just everywhere...with that joe guy
Me: Joe got into heaven?????......and im in a court room?!?!
God: Yeah..uhh......before he died...he sold his soul to Steve....and Steve snuck him, and we didn't notice him for 6 years........he's pretty shady....he never came out....and once your in heaven for 5 years you can apply for citizenship, so he beat the system
Me: Fine Fine...can i go to heaven too.... its not like ive done anything bad
God: Oh no??.....what about that time you killed steve?!
Me: It was an accident
God: You ran him over with you car......twice
Me: I thought he was a deer
God: Jesus Christ
JC: What?
God: Not you...its and expression...go sell your book.............and ive had enough...jury go make ur decision
Jury: We're allready your honor.....we find Jonathan guilty
God: You heard them...your out
Me: You're kicking Jonathan out......like none of you have ever done what Jonathan did....Jonathan doesn't need this
Devil: Its okay Jon
Me: Jonathan doesn't need them.....Jonathan will start his own Heaven.
(When i looked at the devil again....i noticed it was Gillian)
It was at this point i stopped looking at my computer screen
I then went to my basketball game....where the Dutchmasters rocked!
Then came back, went to Perkins with Emma and stayed there until they kicked us out
I came home to study and noticed that the my computer screen was still on...but the device that i built was gone and replaced with a piece of paper with a batman symbol on it......it must have been Russ
But after seeing what i saw...i will only live my life for the Good!
I will be nice
I will become a Communist
I will not kill anyone......well maybe just people whose name start with the letter H.......its such a lousy letter
I will be Good person
But then Pat came in my room and told me that outside there was beer drugs and hot girls who like guys that can quote everyline from Ghostbusters I and II, and Turtles, and Boondock Saints..............so i did the right thing......i ended up bring three girls up to my room.....and let me tell you.........it was the best sex, ....they ever had.
I discovered later that to God, being good,...... means having a lot of fucking fun....
Bad
I have done it! After all these years, I have figured it out
I was in the bathroom the other day, standing on a chair while hanging a clock. I slipped fell and hit my head on the toilet seat. It was then when it all happened.
When I woke i drew a picture.
It looked a little werid to me, and i wasn't quite sure what it represented, but i knew it was important.
I grabbed some pencils, cups, a camera, and some old pornos....... i mean Sports Illustrateds. And I was able to create the device i drew.....i was also able to hook it up to the USB port in my computer.
Then all Hell broke lose.
I suddendly saw myself....... Dead......but in Heaven.
Or rather i was on the outside, waiting to get in. It was like one of those amusment park lines, and there were those TV screens, where as you walk,you get to see whats in the park. But anyway, the TV showed all the kool things that are in heaven. It was a lot different from what i thought.
For one thing, your supposed to bring your material possessions with you. I was always told that if you were rich on earth, you had to leave it all behind when die. Everybody on-line brought all this shit with them. Stereos, books, boats, houses, computers, cars.... you name it. I didn't have any shit with me. I had some old jeens, my trovei and sons t-shirt, wallet and a coupon for Goodfellas.
Im lucky I had my wallet....cause it ain't free to get in. Its like thirty bucks
Then it was my turn to enter, and there was this big problem. It seems that I have to go to court to see if i can enter or not. I was like......this is a piece of cake
Turns out God's the judge, Jesus's is my laywer, the devil is my prosecutor and the saints & demons are my jury.
I was all pumped..... I got Jesus Christ as my lawyer... Hellz yea
God: Please make your opening statements
JC: Ladies and Gentleman, we do not want Jonathan in Heaven, send his ass to Hell
Me: Jesus! What are you doing?! Your my lawyer!...and your Jesus....you know...the nice guy with the magical powers. Aren't supposed to be all forgiving and....stuff.
JC: No....your thinking of Santa Clause
(I found out later that Jesus Christ was really a Communist, who traveled back in time to promote is book)
Me: Your honor, i wish to defend myself.
God: Knock yourself out, its not like your going to heaven
Me: Hey, anything is possible
God: No it isn't..... Im God you dumbass
Me: Fine Fine Fine..... I deserve to go to heaven...First off I.......Wait...Jesus!...are you smoking a bowl with the devil?
JC: Go Fuck yourself....you capitalist pig
Me: I have done wonderful things in my life God
God: Such as?
Me: Like i lent Pat money the other day
God: Oh everybody lends Pat money...that doesn't count
Me: I got dead AIM
God: So does everybody!.... i have the second biggest amount of screen names anywhere
Me: Second?
God: Yea, that Steve Trovei kid, has a couple more than me
Me: How is that possible?... Your God!....Can't you see?..he's just a man...well boy
God: I KNOW...... i have five eyes......he's just everywhere...with that joe guy
Me: Joe got into heaven?????......and im in a court room?!?!
God: Yeah..uhh......before he died...he sold his soul to Steve....and Steve snuck him, and we didn't notice him for 6 years........he's pretty shady....he never came out....and once your in heaven for 5 years you can apply for citizenship, so he beat the system
Me: Fine Fine...can i go to heaven too.... its not like ive done anything bad
God: Oh no??.....what about that time you killed steve?!
Me: It was an accident
God: You ran him over with you car......twice
Me: I thought he was a deer
God: Jesus Christ
JC: What?
God: Not you...its and expression...go sell your book.............and ive had enough...jury go make ur decision
Jury: We're allready your honor.....we find Jonathan guilty
God: You heard them...your out
Me: You're kicking Jonathan out......like none of you have ever done what Jonathan did....Jonathan doesn't need this
Devil: Its okay Jon
Me: Jonathan doesn't need them.....Jonathan will start his own Heaven.
(When i looked at the devil again....i noticed it was Gillian)
It was at this point i stopped looking at my computer screen
I then went to my basketball game....where the Dutchmasters rocked!
Then came back, went to Perkins with Emma and stayed there until they kicked us out
I came home to study and noticed that the my computer screen was still on...but the device that i built was gone and replaced with a piece of paper with a batman symbol on it......it must have been Russ
But after seeing what i saw...i will only live my life for the Good!
I will be nice
I will become a Communist
I will not kill anyone......well maybe just people whose name start with the letter H.......its such a lousy letter
I will be Good person
But then Pat came in my room and told me that outside there was beer drugs and hot girls who like guys that can quote everyline from Ghostbusters I and II, and Turtles, and Boondock Saints..............so i did the right thing......i ended up bring three girls up to my room.....and let me tell you.........it was the best sex, ....they ever had.
I discovered later that to God, being good,...... means having a lot of fucking fun....