(no subject)
oh, live journal. long time no see. this update is a procratination method and a check-in for anyone thats interested.
life on the surface is not particularly exciting. cigarettes. lots of essay writing. not sleeping so much. sexually frustrated etc. etc.
i'm excited about coming home even though it seems really far away (and isnt).
life beneath the surface isnt much more exciting.
i'm kind of in love with one of my best friends here who has a girlfriend. last weekend we had a mud fight in a kind of marsh and got soooo filthy. at a couple points he had me pinned down and was shoving mud into my pants/underwear. handfulls. yuck. i have never felt so much like i pooped my pants. its not a pleasant sensation to have slimy muck all over every part of you. okay, its a little bit pleasant.
after the mud fight we took a shower together. i was naked and he had his boxers on and nothing sexual happened even though we held each other for a while. it was like two little kids taking a bath together. it was lovely, but certainly didnt help me get over my infatuation. he's really good and being intimate and just friendly. goddamn i need to stop thinking about him. but he's graduating in like two weeks and then....oh i hope i dont lose track of him. he's one of the few people at bard that i deeply care about. he makes me feel like a little kid.
the other day i had a very bizarre experience with another boy who i had been kissing for a few days and then decided i didnt want to get involved with. i sat down to have a chat with him, ready to say that i was too busy for a relationship and that i had just gotten over a serious boyfriend and blah blah blah. translation: i'm not attracted to him. i got as far as "i dont think we should kiss anymore" before he jumped in with "i know" and a whole theory about the end of the year and us not being able to see each other for a long time (he graduated last semester and is leaving bard forever on monday). he even said, "its too much too late." i didnt know how to respond so i kind of just mmm-hmmmed the rest of the conversation while he talked about cruel timing and the fleeting feeling of spring. it got pretty intense. he had tears in his eyes at the end of it. "joyful tears." i felt so strange and icky after he left. i felt like a lier, which isnt so bad except for i really like the guy. he's absolutely sweet. he's picked me a couple of bouquets (the flowers right now are AMAZING) and text messages me notes ending in "beautiful zoey." its indicative of how little we know each other that he doesnt even know how to spell my name. i'm not about to correct him. after monday i may not see him ever again.
i've been thinking about being young a lot lately. i even wrote the word "young" on my arm in sharpie as a reminder of where i am in life. i am so lucky to be eighteen years old. there is so much ahead of me and life feels wide open and anything is possible and yes i will embrace the cliches!
ha! i just thought of something funny. for dinner (at 3:00 am) i had an entire box of raw raviolis, a couple donuts and two redbulls. could i be more of a college kid?
so so, thats it for now. back to work i guess. blah.
to all my loved ones out there: i miss you and we will be reunited in the beautiful sunshine oh so soon. yay!
ps. what does it mean to have a paid live journal account and does anyone actually have one?
life on the surface is not particularly exciting. cigarettes. lots of essay writing. not sleeping so much. sexually frustrated etc. etc.
i'm excited about coming home even though it seems really far away (and isnt).
life beneath the surface isnt much more exciting.
i'm kind of in love with one of my best friends here who has a girlfriend. last weekend we had a mud fight in a kind of marsh and got soooo filthy. at a couple points he had me pinned down and was shoving mud into my pants/underwear. handfulls. yuck. i have never felt so much like i pooped my pants. its not a pleasant sensation to have slimy muck all over every part of you. okay, its a little bit pleasant.
after the mud fight we took a shower together. i was naked and he had his boxers on and nothing sexual happened even though we held each other for a while. it was like two little kids taking a bath together. it was lovely, but certainly didnt help me get over my infatuation. he's really good and being intimate and just friendly. goddamn i need to stop thinking about him. but he's graduating in like two weeks and then....oh i hope i dont lose track of him. he's one of the few people at bard that i deeply care about. he makes me feel like a little kid.
the other day i had a very bizarre experience with another boy who i had been kissing for a few days and then decided i didnt want to get involved with. i sat down to have a chat with him, ready to say that i was too busy for a relationship and that i had just gotten over a serious boyfriend and blah blah blah. translation: i'm not attracted to him. i got as far as "i dont think we should kiss anymore" before he jumped in with "i know" and a whole theory about the end of the year and us not being able to see each other for a long time (he graduated last semester and is leaving bard forever on monday). he even said, "its too much too late." i didnt know how to respond so i kind of just mmm-hmmmed the rest of the conversation while he talked about cruel timing and the fleeting feeling of spring. it got pretty intense. he had tears in his eyes at the end of it. "joyful tears." i felt so strange and icky after he left. i felt like a lier, which isnt so bad except for i really like the guy. he's absolutely sweet. he's picked me a couple of bouquets (the flowers right now are AMAZING) and text messages me notes ending in "beautiful zoey." its indicative of how little we know each other that he doesnt even know how to spell my name. i'm not about to correct him. after monday i may not see him ever again.
i've been thinking about being young a lot lately. i even wrote the word "young" on my arm in sharpie as a reminder of where i am in life. i am so lucky to be eighteen years old. there is so much ahead of me and life feels wide open and anything is possible and yes i will embrace the cliches!
ha! i just thought of something funny. for dinner (at 3:00 am) i had an entire box of raw raviolis, a couple donuts and two redbulls. could i be more of a college kid?
so so, thats it for now. back to work i guess. blah.
to all my loved ones out there: i miss you and we will be reunited in the beautiful sunshine oh so soon. yay!
ps. what does it mean to have a paid live journal account and does anyone actually have one?